Biscuits & Butter - Protein & Problems

Another dream..
I was sitting with Diann, I was crying my eyes out, trying to tell her about my fear of chocolate biscuits and Mam was sitting there, and she was laughing at me. Then Diann starting laughing and saying to Mam: "There's a trick to have to use, to stop yourself from laughing whenever she talks shit..just think of other sad things, then it looks like you care".
I stormed out of the room, and missed 15 minutes of the session. When I came back into the room, the hour was up and we had to leave.

Maybe I read too much into dreams.. But all the dreams I've been having, seem to be what I think of myself, but these thoughts are being acted out by the people around me. Mam laughing at me, is just me laughing at myself..because I constantly think that I'm fooling myself and the world around me. I constantly think that it's all exaggerated and that there' nothing wrong. I constantly think that I'm just putting on an act. The thoughts I have about a chocolate biscuit are just silly and of course, why wouldn't other people laugh if they heard how much it worries me. Because it's pathetic, right? Yeah, it is..

I've been thinking about a chocolate biscuit so much the past few days, because we had a packet in the cupboard. Cadbury's chocolate chip biscuits. Doesn't the name just make you drool? It's not yet part of my "food-plan" to have a chocolate biscuit. But if I wanted to, I could have one. Right now, I could walk to the cupboard, and take a biscuit and either enjoy it or feel guilty. It's head-wrecking that it could be so easy. All of a sudden it's allowed..But why? Who says? Diann? the world? me? Forbidden foods are no longer forbidden. Foods that scare me, are the things I SHOULD be eating. This would probably make some people jealous, the fact that you MUST eat a chocolate biscuit or have other fatty things.. It could sound like heaven to some people..getting permission to eat chocolate from whoever it was that once said there was a law against eating chocolate and enjoying it.. I don't know who made chocolate "illegal" and I don't know who has suddenly decided that it's now "legal"..
It's so so wrong.

I just had my piece of toast. Diann said a few weeks ago, when it was first added on to my "daily menu" that I was to have either butter OR something else on it. I didn't yet have to have both, but I had to have something on it.. Bummer, I would have preferred it dry.. But I've been having butter. Then this morning, the low fat butter I've been having, was gone. O no, we now have Dairygold.. It was now jumping out of the fridge at me, screaming to be eaten. It's creamy and full in fat. So I told myself.."I can do this, just get on with it and don't think about it" and I made the toast and just put a scraping of Dairygold, full fat, creamy butter..then I started to compare butter with peanut butter.. And to my surprise, peanut butter contains less calories and less saturated fat than the full fat butter. So of course, me being me, I made another slice of toast, threw the other in the bin (sorry Mam, I was a bit of waster..) and had a slice with peanut butter. I knew if I would have had the normal butter that it would haunt me for the rest of the day..

It's not everyday that I wouldn't have been able to make peace with the full fat butter, but today I'm fat. So I don't want to put more unnecessary grease into my body. I think they'll be sending me to a fat camp pretty soon.. I'm so disgusting but I'm still stuffing my face and ignoring every bit of me that is telling me how awful I am by doing so.. annoying..

I'm getting extra protein as well, since Saturday. The usual supplement drinks I've been drinking, have 11 grams of protein. But I've now got 6 supplement drinks with 20 grams of protein. It's only temporary and I've drank nearly all of them, spreading them out over the week. I have one of these in the morning, so I'll "use" it up the extra protein during the day (not that I'm doing anything, but it's just for my peace of mind), and the 2nd and 3rd supplements are the drinks I'm used to. It's silly really, and I should just force myself to forget about it. Some days I can, others I can't (like today).

I'm hungry, again. I just had my toast and supplement with extra protein. It's 12.30 and I want more food. What am I going to do? Diann said to me weeks ago, if I want to add things on, or try different foods, then I can do it, I don't have to wait for her to tell me.. But I can't bring myself to eat more. Even though I'm hungry. Since Monday I've been hungry, all the time. Every time I'm finished my meal, I instantly want more. It's making me crazy, because all I can think of is food, all I want is food..more and more..
When I'm finished my breakfast, I dread the thoughts of having to wait a full 24 hours before it's time to have the muesli again. I enjoy it so much (I even have dreams about it, and wake up in the middle of the night and would be tempted to get up and have a bowl..) and would love to have more, once I've scrapped the bowl. But I'm not allowed because I'll start to binge and eat uncontrollably and then I'll feel guilty and stop myself eating the rest of the day to compensate. What am I supposed to do? Then I thought, maybe if I have a different yogurt with my muesli, instead of the low fat one I'm having now. If I get 60 more calories from that in the morning, it might help me to control the hunger..
I don't know what to do, and I'm scared that I'll be teaching myself the wrong new eating habits which my body will get used to and see as normal and then I'll have built up my body in the wrong way and that will be me set up "wrongly" for life..

So, what's the best thing to do? To keep on stuffing my face and feel fat and guilty and then start compensating? But that's Anna's work.. and therefore it's wrong.. This week it's just been a struggle to get through the day without giving in to having more food that I supposedly need. But doesn't that mean I'm supporting Anna? By ignoring hunger, aren't I giving Anna strength? But isn't it nicer to not feel full when you sit down to a meal? Doesn't that mean that you enjoy it more? When I have to eat and I'm feeling full, I shouldn't be enjoying it, because the food isn't needed, however when I'm hungry and I eat, I have the "right" to enjoy it more because the food is needed and it therefore feels better. Is Anna in control or is it Fay? Am I restricting myself from what I need or am I healthily controlling my food intake? I don't know whats "normal" anymore and I don't know what's "healthy" either..