Wednesday Morning Again

I had a dream last night. Surprise surprise, it was about food..SHOCK!!
I was eating yogurt, loads and loads of it. But it was fine, I wasn't feeling bad or hating it. In my dream, there was ice cream as well, and I remember considering eating it or not, but I didn't, I just had different flavours of frozen yogurt. It was nice. But I was different. I was laughing and a snob at the same time. I was "up-myself".. loving myself too much and my mates didn't want to know me anymore. They ignored me. Then Eileen popped up and told me that I was a fat cow and I do nothing but eat all day long. So the enjoyment of the frozen yogurt kind of went out the window..my bubble burst..

I'm eating a slice of toast right now, feeling okay, but fat with it.. Getting dressed and choosing clothes in the morning is more confronting these days..Tight clothes should be a no go because they show how fat I'm getting, which makes me feel conscious. Wearing baggy clothes hides everything.. People can't look at my stomach and judge how healthy I'm getting, because that's what they do if they get the chance... I used to never care what other people would think when they looked at me or my figure. But that's different now. Wearing clothes that hide my fat, don't look nice. They make me look like I've no fashion sense at all.. Which doesn't make me happy either. So tight clothes make me feel self-conscious and baggy clothes make me feel awful aswell. So what do I wear? I should wear what I want. But it's not that simple..

I would love to go on a shopping spree, all by myself, and just shop and buy whatever it is I want.. I don't want to have anybody there thinking they need to hold my hand. This makes me feel like a 10-year old and makes me feel incompetent. I don't want to need anybody else's opinion. I just want to do it by myself.. But I can't. There's not a chance that I'll be able to go shopping, walk around, try on clothes and make my own choices and feel fine about it. I'd fall down in a heap after an hour, with exhaustion and stress.

Anyhow, that's just a small little thing..Nothing major really. I'll just continue to sit on my backside and think and eat..

The past 2 days, I've been getting over the "hustle and bustle" of the weekend. Monday I was so tired. Only looking back now, I can hardly remember sitting with Diann at 09.30 on Monday morning. I can't remember half the things she said or what I said even though we were there for an hour.. I DO remember I was giving out about the roast..
There was something Diann said. The past 2 days I could remember her starting the sentence, but I couldn't figure out what it was she had said..It was like my mind had just totally blocked it out.. She started the sentence by saying: "You might be at the stage of your recovery when...". The rest of the sentence was blank. Gone.. Until this morning. I woke up and was still trying to remember what it was she said about what stage I'm at.. and then it just popped into my head. She said: "You might be at the stage in your recovery, when your nutritional intake has to be increased in order to keep your recovery and whole the process going." I'm just figuring out now what it is she meant by that..

Body and mind need to be "in sync" with each other. If my metabolism is speeding up, my food intake will need to be increased. This is to keep on rebuilding strength and to keep my mind clear and to keep the process going. We've been increasing my food-intake weekly, up until 2 weeks ago. My metabolism might be faster, but I'm still bloated and full and feel like the food in going nowhere, because I'm not going to the toilet properly. But this could also be to do with the fact that my body is taking so much from the food I'm eating, that there is hardly any waste, so therefore going to the toilet isn't something that is easy or frequent (not the nicest of subjects, but it has to be dealt with)..

To keep my mind thinking clearly and to stay focused, nutrition is needed.. To rebuild tissue and put on weight, nutrition is needed.. At the moment I'm taking in around 2500calories a day. Diann said that more often than not, people recovering can need up to 4000 calories, to keep everything up to speed and to be able to deal with everything, both mentally and pyschically..

My food was really stuck the past week, so we haven't added on anything extra this week. But if I'm honest, before yesterday I haven't had one day when I've eaten absolutely everything I was supposed to. Anything that I've missed has only been either a glass of juice or maybe a piece of fruit or now and then a slice of toast. Yesterday, I was hungry, just like Monday.. It was so strange. Every time I'd finished eating, I was counting down to the next thing I had to eat. Hungry and being able to eat and digesting it, that's what I felt was happening to me yesterday and the day before.

So now my food-plan is:
-Yogurt, muesli, dried fruit and nuts
-Orange juice
-Toast
-Supplement Drink
-Sweet potato
-Tofu sausage
-Fruit
-Supplement Drink
-Muesli Bar
-Dinner
-Glass of milk
-Digestive biscuit
-Supplement Drink

If I get through this week, and don't miss a thing, and I'm still hungry, then I do need more food. It's so strange..Because I feel like I'm eating so much already..
Diann was also saying, that negative thinking and the obsessive thinking and analyzing is related to low weight as well. She can tell by talking to someone who is recovering, if they've lost weight or not. Positive thinking is fueled by nutrition..And maybe people in my situation can never have too much nutrition be get through each day without going insane. Thinking positively and clearly, keeps Fay on my side which keeps me eating. Positive thoughts motivate the recovery. When, at the same time, putting on weight feels awful, it's still keeps the recovery ticking along..Whereas staying the same weight or losing it, only works against the recovery.. Thoughts and weight support each other. Weight loss leads to negative thoughts.. A low weight makes us less able to deal and fight Anna..

So, I'll try to be more aware of my digestive system this week, and see if it changes much this week..