Thursday I was having a normal day. In the afternoon Kelly from England rang. I traveled in Oz with her and I hadn't seen or spoken to her since February. She was one of the best people I met while I was traveling. A dear friend.
I was so shocked and delighted to get her call. I haven't had that many telephone conversations the past months. I wouldn't want to or, at one stage I wouldn't have the energy or be in right frame of mind. There's a lot more to a phone call than you would expect. It's not until you can't and don't want to do it, that you realize just how much effort it takes.
When Kelly rang, and I was having a "good" day, so that only made it easier. Usually I would have hesitated whether to pick it up or to ignore it.. I know I sound selfish and ungrateful but it was such a big thing. On Thursday however, I didn't think twice about it.. It all happened, and I was me. No faking, no brave-face, no forcing. I picked up and started screaming with excitement to speak to her. That's how chuffed I was that she rang. We chatted for 15 minutes and it was so great.
It wasn't until I hung up that I could see, I'm still here. The person people knew me as, I'm still her. I can still get excited about the tiniest little things and be crazy and overbearing as well.. I was wrecked afterwards though. But that didn't matter. Not only was it great to talk to her. But for the first time, since coming back to Ireland, I said OUTLOUD (instead of writing it and saying it to Diann) that I'm getting stronger and I'm making good progress. I was having a "good" day, so I wasn't feeling guilty when I said it. The forbidden words had been spoken. Now there was definitely no denying it. It's out there now.. that's it. But it's okay and I felt fine about it.
All in the space of 15 minutes. I "proved" to myself that I CAN feel good about making progress and I proved that doubts I had about me not being me anymore will become less and less as I become me more and more..
A few more baby steps.. and it still all keeps on going..
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