Analyzing my "good" Thursday

The past few days have been up and down. But Thursday I was feeling normal..too normal maybe. But there was no guilt. I think because I had a bad night on Wednesday evening, that I now felt I deserved a "good" day and I deserved to feel human. I was awake from 5 o'clock in the morning. I was restless and couldn't sleep. So I got up, and sat on the sofa for hours, reading my book. I didn't go back to bed. I needed to be up the whole day, and I made it through. I was tired, but I wasn't down or grumpy or anything. I kept myself pretty busy as well..

So many hours in a day..how on earth can a person who isn't supposed to do too much, fill an 18-hour-day? How is that possible without giving in to day-time telly? I was counting hours again.. How many hours have I been reading? How many hours have I been awake? How many hours to go before I'm "allowed" to sit down and watch telly? How many hours have I been watching telly? Why was I counting hours? I don't know. What was I trying to do? I was probably feeling like I'd be classed as a lazy and boring person who's actually supposed to be in the prime of her life. But who was going to class me as that? There was nobody at home.. I was alone all day.. So why was I worried that I would spend too many hours in front of the telly sitting on my backside and eating? Isn't that just stupid and crazy! Maybe I felt that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't keep busy. But that's nonsense as well. Because I've had days when I would let myself sit on my backside the whole day and still be able to sleep at 11 at night.. Why did I this to myself? I reckon it's just too much energy and I don't know what to do with it.

Diann once said to me.. "You don't feel that you've lived a day if you haven't anything to show for it or achieved anything. You don't let yourself go to bed at night feeling fulfilled if you haven't done anything productive". She was right. So many things I've been doing, tell me that it's exactly how I feel. "Achieving things" could be just little things that don't really make you happier or have any significance whatsoever. For example.. doing the housework or walking to the shops (when you don't really need anything).
But what happens when you look at it, as being unemployed? It makes you feel like you have no purpose, that you're unworthy and maybe even a waste of space. Well I can relate to that. This is a good feeling to have, isn't it? It pushes unemployed people to get out there and work. It stimulates and motivates people to get a job they're good at and enjoy doing. If everybody enjoyed NOT having to do anything all day, and still feel like they are NOT wasting time, then there would probably be a lot more people wanting to be unemployed, but most people hate it as it doesn't give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning..

Maybe when their career gives them satisfaction and makes their day worthwhile, they then, whenever they have a day off, can do nothing all day long and still feel they deserve to go to bed and have a great sleep. Is that where they get their self-worth from? Their job? So without it, they would feel meaningless, hopeless and lost? They wouldn't feel worthy and wouldn't deserve good things because they aren't achieving things during the day?

Maybe it all depends on how much people feel the need to pressure, push and prove themselves. People who are never satisfied with things they have done and achieved will never feel good with themselves, they will never achieve enough so they will never feel a good person.. If they aren't achieving things, they aren't happy with themselves.. I guess it also all depends on the person and the reasons for someones job or career choice as to whether or not it's to make themselves feel better about who they are. So surely it's far better to choose a job on the basis of..you enjoy it, it makes you happy, and puts money in bank.. and NOT on the basis of.. I'm making a difference and therefore it makes me feel like a better person.

The point I'm making, or what I'm trying to figure out, is that where's the best place to get your self-worth from. Is there a formula or is it different for everybody? I know I'm not going to get it from doing the ironing.. But I'm still trying to prove things..I'd just love to know who I'm proving it to. It's more than likely Anna.. That bad little voice inside of me that constantly tells me I'm every bad name in the dictionary if I sit down and enjoy a tv program for too long.. How annoying! She knows that she's had the power over me for so long, she knows that she's strong so why doesn't she just give it up? She has to stop trying to control and judge me.. It's not fair..

It's all about breaking down the old habits..For instance keeping busy all day. A few weeks ago, if I were to even attempt to keep busy..I would break down, psychically and mentally. I would end up back in bed by lunchtime and wouldn't get out it if I didn't have to. But now, I'm feeling stronger, so what do I do? Go back to the way I was? It's like "autopilot".. I want to be active. The past week I've even been having bad sleeps because I'm restless for not being "allowed" to be active or for not knowing what to do with myself. Agitation and frustration are the words to describe it. So what do I do? I want to pick back up my life. But I don't know what it is to "pick back up!"...
Well, it's all clear in my head, no doubt about that, but I just don't know what to do with it all..

This was my Thursday.. Good for Fay--- No guilt, no grumpiness, eating everything. Good for Anna--- productive, active, no bed-rest. So probably good for Niamh all-round, even it was just to give meaning to the words Diann once said to me.."breaking old habits and creating new ones"... (but as I've said before, in theory it's all well and good, but in practice it's a different story)..