Chaos and Mayhem..or just a Drama Queen?

An hour with Diann that was muddled, or more to the point, I was muddled, so that's how the session turned out.
The past week I thought was pretty okay, nothing drastic and I was normal, but looking back it actually wasn't. I seemed fine, everyone thought I was as well, just as I did. However there is so much more that was going on underneath. I looked like all I was doing was, sitting around, reading, watching dvds and daytime telly, writing on my blog and eating. Nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to my life these days. But every day there was something moving, something being triggered or something and someone being ignored.

I'm not too sure where to start. It seems so much, maybe too much for me to get my head around. I'd love to bullet-point it..just to make it all clear and structured, but it isn't that simple, I wish it was. Everything is linked together, one issue has to do with the next.. one big whirlwind..nothing can be seen as something "on it's own"..Because nothing is ever that easy these days.

Last night, Sunday (05-10) I lay awake, on the verge of breaking. Well that's how it felt. I knew before I went to bed, that I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I was reading for a while, doing my best to concentrate on the book. But I couldn't. My mind was racing, everything just going mental, running around and keeping me awake. Reading was no use. I then gave it my best shot to fall a sleep. When I had my eyes closed it was chaos. Total and utter mayhem. Opening my eyes and staring at the ceiling was more comforting than having them shut. Closing my eyes was encouraging and forcing myself to be alone with my own thoughts, thoughts that I couldn't handle and couldn't deal with. It was too much and I realized that the past week I had kept too much to myself. During the week so many things popped into my head, but I never wrote about them, I didn't tell anyone. Instead I just put certain words and phrases down on little pieces of paper that I would constantly have in my pocket. That way I'd have access to these all the time hoping that it would help me to let go of the thoughts. But instead they just all hung around and I had so many pieces of paper with so many issues, thoughts and realizations, that I couldn't keep track.
Eventually I got to sleep after working it the other way around...Whenever you try to go to sleep as quickly as possible, you never can. But when you try to stay awake all night, you never can either. So I forced myself to stay awake, and thankfully the night turned into morning, and I would soon be able to work through the past week with Diann.

My week always begins on a Tuesday. It stops on a Sunday. Monday is my "transition-day". The week started off okay, and Tuesday was normal. I was working through my session with Diann, as usual, and I was feeling okay. Wednesday morning I went to acupuncture and it was fine. I was feeling pretty good. This carried on throughout the afternoon. I was chatting, interacting, being sociable and I was feeling pretty normal, I was just being myself. Everyone at home was in a good mood. But it soon got too much. Eileen asked me to out for a drink. I said yes, without giving it a second thought. But these days I shouldn't do anything spontaneously because it overwhelms me. My first reaction SHOULD be .."maybe", then I have to let the idea grow on me, and usually I end up saying yes. But on this particular day, I blurted out "yes". Instantly I regretted it. But I hoped I would feel able for it later on. 5 minutes later there was talk about Eileen making traveling plans. She wants to go to Oz next year. Nothing is definite but she'd love to make it happen. That's pretty cool and I really hope she does it. But at that very instant, when she started talking about it, something happened. I still don't know what it was, but I went to bed and cried my heart out. I felt like somebody was ripping my insides to pieces (I know it may sound melodramatic, but I can't describe it any other way). I felt like I was never going to be able to stop crying, it felt like the end of the world and I was trapped..Wanting something so badly and not being able to have it, I thought I was never going to recover.. I was heart-broken. I didn't go out for a drink that night, I was too distraught and I spent the night watching dvds up in my bed..wishing the night away.

The next morning I was awake from 5 oclock and was sitting drinking my tea at that hour, down stairs on the sofa. I've already analyzed this day and have come to the conclusion that I was being controlled by Anna, who wouldn't let me go to bed in the afternoon even though I was dog tired and who managed to keep me busy for 18 hours..(I mean what is a person supposed to do with 18 hours??).. on the day itself, I was feeling fine, I was able to do everything and I was feeling fine about keeping busy. But because I was feeling fine, it didn't feel like Anna was bullying me at the time so it was a good day, but on hindsight, it was bad. My old habits were taking over...

It continued on Friday. I was chatty, sociable and normal. But sleep was something I wasn't getting, not properly anyhow since Tuesday.. Since Wednesday I was agitated and restless. So I was just doing my thing, doing what I do best.. And that's: -Worrying about my job and about what I want to do in months down the line -Looking for flights to Canada, New Zealand, Melbourne, Mexico, Hongkong... -Planning my future... All in all, torturing myself by focusing on things that I can't have at the moment, just to make myself feel worse, and looking for answers to questions I'm not even sure I have..
Then on Friday night I could feel it all starting to "brew". I was starting to feel awful, drained, agitated and frustrated. Looking back I know why. I can see now what I was doing on Thursday and Friday. I was doing all the things I shouldn't be doing. I was back to my "old ways". Since the acupuncture I was feeling all this energy. Too much energy started to make me feel restless and frustrated. I didn't know what to do with it. So automatically I went back to my old ways. (If I was to be honest, I didn't want to do anything..I didn't want to go out, didn't want to watch telly, or lie in bed or watch a dvd or go on the computer..nothing..) I was thinking and worrying about things that really aren't relevant. Planning ahead and feeling the need to go go go..when I haven't got a clue where I want to go and for what reasons. The combination of Wednesday night's episode, and Thursday being exactly 2 years since I headed off on my travels, and then Friday wanting to sort out my life.. It all got a bit much. I was setting myself up for a minor set-back..

That's when Saturday morning arrived. This was probably one of the worst days I've had in weeks, in terms of "doom and gloom caused by Anna". I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to watch a dvd, I couldn't let myself watch tv, I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to go back to bed.. There was absolutely nothing that I wanted to do. All I wanted was silence and to just lie down and do nothing. I didn't want to be here, in this life.. I wanted to shut out the whole world and didn't want or dare think about everybody else living their lives. I hated the world, hated normal life, hated absolutely everything. So for hours I just lay in bed listening to nothing, I just lay there. Thoughts of food were mainly on my mind. I had thankfully already had my breakfast.. But that's when I wanted to stop. So I didn't have the toast at 11. I then was battling with the thoughts of not having my supplement. I thought..If I just lie here, time will pass, as will the opportunity for me to have my drink..I'll just keep on lying here. But by 1.30 in the afternoon I had to switch off Anna. I could see that just by skipping the slice of toast I was giving her strength. You know the phrase "give an inch and she'll take a mile"..That's exactly how I can describe it, how cheeky was she!! It so was hard then for me to have the drink, but I did. The worst thing was.. the day had only just begun. I didn't know how I was going to get through all the eating I still had to do before it was time to go to bed and do it all over again the next day.. I had visions of me not being able to stop the tears with every bite and every mouthful. But I had to do it. So once it was time for me to have my potato and sausage, I didn't, I had a bowl of muesli instead. I thought it was better to have the muesli than nothing at all. But I then skipped my next supplement and my extra's. I had dinner and a muesli bar and my supplement before the day was over. I didn't do too bad. But I just couldn't get over the fact of how strong she got, so quick and easy and then how hard it was to fight and get back on track..
It was doom and gloom and I didn't want this life, I didn't want to live. It's been weeks since I had it this bad. It was frightening and shocking all over again. Especially because I felt like I was so normal again and that I was doing so well.. Looking back it was Anna all along.

As I lay on the couch on Saturday afternoon, I had these thoughts of what I wanted to do most in the world at that moment. I would have loved to walk out in the torrential rain, get soaked through and maybe get the flu. Then come home and feel like I deserved a cup of tea. What does this mean and what sense does it make? If I do one thing, preferably bad, then I'm allowed to reward myself with something. Another example, on Saturday morning, I wanted to write. But only if I did that, I was allowed to eat. That's how I started planning my day on Saturday when I woke up. The wrong move.
It was still Saturday morning and still hating life and absolutely everything about it..I could suddenly see how people can resort to self-harm. This isn't the first time that I've felt I could relate to it. There's just that one moment, when you feel so so low, you feel you can't go any lower and feel so worthless, that you deserve punishment. It can be the only thing that can make you feel a little bit better. The pain you cause yourself is then a relief and you can continue your daily life feeling "normal" again. It's just like starving.. Ignoring the hunger feeling and letting it get so bad that you know your harming yourself by doing this, but feeling so good while it's happening. Except the process of starving is a slower to get the proper damage done. Self-harm is done in an instant. I'd never go down that road. I'm strong enough to ignore any of those thoughts and I can switch them off. But at that moment, I could only RELATE to it..without considering it.
Saturday ended thankfully. It didn't last forever, as I felt like it would.

The next day, Sunday, I started feeling like I would probably, if I could, inflict mental harm on myself, just to feel better, instead of psychical. I'm not too sure how to explain it. It isn't the first time I've felt like this. It's like the more down or depressed I feel, the better it is..Everybody knows the feeling you have when you care for people so much, you would do anything for them. You just want the people you love to be happy and fulfilled. You would even die for them. Yesterday I wanted to be able to cure everybody else's problems. I didn't want them to have tough times. I wanted to take everything on, because they don't deserve it. I don't know where it came from. I suppose it could be compared to thoughts I was having on Saturday afternoon.."put myself through hell". Why couldn't I take everybody's misery and pain away. I wanted to deal with it for them. Then they could be happy, have the life they deserve and I could bear the weight of the world on my shoulders because I don't mind feeling bad and I'm strong enough to take it. It's okay, I'm used to it and it even makes me feel like I'm serving a purpose.. Anna is just being a bully whenever these thoughts occur.. They've left me before whenever they've come to mind, so they'll leave me again..

It was still Sunday. During the afternoon I was alright though. To start off with. I went shopping for 2 hours but after an hour and a half, I was "kaput". At one stage I just was on the verge of tears I was that exhausted and wanted to go home. I couldn't hack it. I started off on such a "high-note", I was full of energy, but that was soon gone because I pushed too hard. Once I was back home, I was feeling okay again.
But it soon all started.. The thoughts of "mental-harm" arose around the same time as I checked my emails. This "blew me for six".. It was all bad timing really and the fact that I thought I could handle it. What am I talking about? Well, the sum it all up there were a lot plans made for the month of November (I'm going over to Holland for a weekend, and Emma and Orla are coming over here for a weekend, and 2 dears friends suggested coming over as well). All real great, and lots to look forward to and good times ahead. At the same time I took a phone call from Orla (this is still in the same half hour) and I was feeling fine so we had a little chat, then I finished my emails and instantly felt awful. Doom and gloom and utter exhaustion. I felt like I was being pulled in every direction there was. It's hard to explain and probably sounds real stupid, but there were so much "good things coming my way" that I couldn't grasp it all. It didn't make me feel guilty, it just made me feel tired and claustrophobic. I felt like I was being pressurized.. But looking back, I wasn't. There was absolutely no pressure whatsoever. They were to nicest emails I could have gotten, all with good news..There were no expectations from me, there was nothing asked from me. So I don't know why it made me feel that way. I think it just goes to show, that normal daily life, is still too much to deal with. On a different day I probably would have coped with it all a lot better, but, not realizing it at the time, I wasn't having a good day (and was exhausted from shopping for 2 hours). It made me feel like such a hopeless case.. What kind of weak person am I, that I can't deal with such little things? Feeling like this, caught me off gaurd, and again, I wanted the day to end.. But it took forever, because I couldn't sleep..

When I was lying in my bed last night (it's still Sunday 05-10), trying to keep my eyes open, just to fall a sleep, I was being "haunted" by the conversation I had with Orla. I was wrecking my brain as to why I couldn't forget about it. What was the big deal? What was it that was making me so "on-edge"? Well, the realization starting flicking like the light bulb.. While we were chatting I was putting on "the front", I was "pretending". I was all "normal and happy", chatting about the phone call I got during the week from Kelly. But I really didn't want to which is why I felt so awful about it afterwards. This was a good lesson. It shows that whenever I'm not "just being me", I can't let it go. I can't ignore it. I wasn't true to myself and I knew it. I've been "training" myself to "just be me". I'm therefore becoming more aware of how it makes me feel when I'm not "being me".. It took a while for me to see what it was all about and I told Diann this morning, and she praised me for being able to see when I'm not being true to myself. This was a step and if I just keep on being me, Niamh without Anna, then it will become more familiar and more recognizable..
The strangest thing, what yet another conversation on the phone can trigger. (Orla, don't feel bad about any of this, it's fine, it's good and I'm okay with it all..)

As you can tell, I did a lot of the talking during this hour.. and so many tears with so much confusion and all I kept saying was "I keep thinking I'm nearly better, but I'm not".. It's a kick in the teeth everytime and makes me a little bit more scared because I don't know what's ahead or what I'll "be" or get at the end of it all.

It wasn't until I was talking about it all today with Diann, that I saw how Anna was controlling me the last week. I'm getting more energy and so I'm inclined to go back to my old habits and be "productive". This is a word I hate by the way, and I'm not ever going to use it again..from now on it's banned from my vocabulary.. As well as the word "progress". Diann said I have to replace this word with either "recovery" or something else. But not progress..This word seems to haunt me because I'm scared that it might everything is going too fast and that triggers Anna and therefore sets me back again and it all might spiral out of control. Diann said the this dreaded "p" word is linear.. by this she meant that it's -constant-ongoing-upwards in a straight line. But recovery from anorexia isn't like that.. She said I should look at it like circle. It expands and shrinks a little, expands again, maybe more or less than the time before and shrinks a little again. It's never a perfect round circle either.. maybe a little wobbly at times.
So the 2 "p" words are gone.. in the dustbin. They both only trigger Anna and make me feel either overwhelmed, claustrophobic or like I'm being smothered.
I still have to focus on just being me..I'm not to forget it and I need to channel my energy in some other way.. That's the hard part, it's creating new pathways and breaking away..Slowly and ever so painfully..

This was a tough session to say the least and there was a lot more said. It will all come back to me once I've let myself have a proper nights sleep. I'll then be able to process more. It's so difficult some times, but not the end of the world.

I probably shouldn't have bottled up so much this week, but I choose to do it this way, because I was afraid to push myself and do too much to recover.. For fear of triggering Anna as well as losing her and for fear of what's to come and trying to stop it all. But it doesn't stop, because it still all works away underneath the surface, whether I want it or not. This I've come to realize, the hard way..