Diamonds are forever

I had a dream a few nights ago. In this dream, from one day to the next I put on so much weight. I was over 50 kilo's and was chubby and looked disgusting. In my dream, Mam was also disgusted and told me how ugly I was for putting on so much weight. She couldn't understand how I let myself get like this..? How did I let it get out of control? Obviously, this was just my own reflection..this is how I view myself and I therefore think that's how others look towards me too and in my dream Mam was expressing the thoughts I have towards myself. What am I so scared of? Why is it such a big deal for me to stay skinny?

Over the past years, I've been constantly coming and going. This means that I've always been saying goodbye to people and being reunited with them after months and months of missing them. Saying goodbye to people is a part of my life. Ever since I can remember, I would always associate being "reunited" with my family and friends, with the thoughts of "will they think I've put on weight? will they think I'm looking happy?"
Every single trip I've made, that's always been the worry I would have..I led myself to believe that if I would have put on weight or look unhealthy, then they'd think that I wasn't happy. I would think that they would think that I hadn't lived the dream while I was on my travels which would then make me think that they would think I should just stay in familiar surroundings and settle down. For them to think like that, would make me feel like a failure. I would be afraid that they would see me a failure for not looking well, healthy and fulfilled.. How complicated is this? It's a typical example of the "reflection". I'm was filling in THEIR thoughts with MY OWN. I was seeing my own opinion of myself in THEM. If I think about it rationally, I KNOW that's not how they think. But it's how I see MYSELF and I therefore would think that they saw it the same way. Deep down, I know that nobody would ever think any less of me, if I go away for months and come back 10 kilo's heavier. (another example of the reflection..a girl isn't confident about herself and feels ugly. However the outside world wouldn't see it at all like that, but this girl is so convinced that she's ugly that she believes the outside world sees it the same way..)

When I went to Austria in 2004, everybody knows that after 4 months I came back like a little Michelin Man.. or just a Michelin head (and nose..haha, we've all had laughs about that..). But nobody thought any less of me. I had the best 4 months of my life. I was 5 kilo's heavier and I looked healthy, and I was happy. Back then I didn't think twice about the weight I had put on. It wasn't an issue. I didn't hate myself and neither did anybody else.

But then, going to Australia in 2006, everyone said I would put on weight. I wanted to prove everybody wrong. I wanted to show all the people around me that I wasn't like every other backpacker who goes away for a year and comes back 5 or 10 kilo's heavier. So that's what I did. I wasn't going to fail and I was going to prove that I'm not a failure. From the second week I was in Oz, I went on a "health binge". I carried this on the whole year, just so that, when I was to come back a year later, people would think I was was looking great, because I wouldn't have put on any weight. If I were to loose weight I would look happy. Everybody would be convinced that traveling was the thing for me. But in reality, instead of making everybody pleased to see me looking so well (as I thought I did), I gave everyone a massive shock. So what did I prove? Absolutely nothing, I didn't need to prove anything the anybody and I didn't need to convince anybody of anything either. Again, it was all towards myself, I was proving it to myself and convincing myself.. Looking back, now, it's safe to say that I associated being happy with weighing 40 kilo's.. I was scared that people would see me a failure, when in fact, it was ME that would see MYSELF as the failure. There's nobody in my world that judges me by my weight. But I judge myself by my weight and because of this, I seem to think others do as well. But that's the "reflection" and it's so so wrong.

Why do I judge myself this way? I don't judge anybody else this way. Friends of mine have put on weight, lost weight and gained again, and I still love them just as much.. If somebody is happy, then they're happy, no matter what their weight. Happiness on the inside, will make a person glow on the outside. That's what I want for everybody that's close to me. So why don't I want that for myself? I'm not a bully, I don't want others to be bullied. But I've been bullying myself..

When I came back from Oz, everyone thought or probably knew that something was really wrong. If it was self-inflicted or not, something was up. I wasn't happy, deep down, but I didn't know this at the time. However, me not being happy within myself, didn't make anybody think less of me. My family and friends were still there. My family still loved me, even if I had been doing damage to my health. My friends were also still there. So if I were to be 20 kilo's heavier than I am now, they would still be there. Because I am still me. Just muddled and lost.

It's so clear to me now. Diann was talking yesterday about self-worth and the diamond..I've spoken about this a lot of times, but the more I repeat it, the clearer it becomes. She was explaining that the gift every single person is born with, is always there. It's what makes a person who they are. Your self esteem is the way you express your gift to world. And this gift can shine which makes you shine, if you let it. It can come to light when a person is true to who they really are, but can also be disguised by certain behaviour.

I started behaving a certain way because I believed it was right. I got lost, and Anna took over. Changing the behaviour caused by Anna, will force me to find my self worth. Once I find this, I can choose how to express it, through my self esteem, which will give me a sense of fulfillment. (self esteem isn't to be confused with confidence though). Self esteem is the "doing" word of self worth. Knowing the gift you were born with and your self worth, will also make you cherish yourself as a person. Certain behaviour can make everything foggy and hazy and it can lead you to believe you are a bad person which results in self-loathe and this, in turn, leads to an even darker place. Because if you don't love yourself, how can you express love towards people and life and also how can you except love from people and life? What point has life got if you don't feel any of this? Going through life hating everything and everyone, including yourself.. Think about it? Isn't that just such a waste? It's a miserable way to be and an awful life to live..doom and gloom from morning till night, day in day out..Who would want to live a life like that? Having so much hatred only makes you wish your life away..So what's the point in living?
It might all sound pretty far fetched, over the top and spiritual. But just looking at it logically and rationally, doesn't it make so much sense? I guess the point I'm making is that without self worth, what are we? Shouldn't we learn to love ourselves and look after and cherish ourselves and the people and things in life that MAKE our lives? Because without the things we value in life, WHAT IS OUR LIFE? But discovering your values, finding your diamond and letting it shine, isn't easy..

Letting the diamond shine and being true to yourself and getting fulfillment by doing this, is that what it's all about? We aren't only worthy people because of the things we do during the day. Diann was saying yesterday, that we all have several roles in life. For example: A woman can be a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a friend and a party animal. Daily life revolves around filling these roles and being a happy person while doing them and knowing you're doing the work well. So what happens if this woman gets fired and is no longer a teacher. Will she feel worthless every night because she isn't getting the fulfillment during the day by being a teacher? Well, if this woman identifies herself as "being a teacher" and then it's gone, she can lose her feeling of "being worthy", because that may have been the only source she had of getting fulfillment from. However if she sees being a teacher as a job, it's a different case. As Diann said yesterday..it's not the job a person does, it's the work. There's a difference between the two. The work we do, is what makes the gift we were born with, come to life. The gift can shine through by fulfilling any of our roles on a daily basis. Example: A nurse. She cares for people from day to day. It's what she does best. Then she's retired. Her livelyhood is gone, the job is no longer there, but she'll still continue to do the work by maybe caring for her ill friends or family members. The diamond continues to shine whether she's wearing a nursing uniform or not. She's still feeling worthy as a person and is using her gift.

I think this was such a wise lesson, even though we have talked about it many times and I've even discussed it with Mr. Acupuncturist, but each time it's so nice to hear and makes so much sense as well. Diann then related it to me. By letting myself just be me, by breaking down old habits, I'll learn my values and I'll realize what I treasure in life. I'll discover my self worth and see the gift. I will be able to make decisions that are right for me and I will be able to trust myself. I'll be making decisions based on my values. I'll be able to use my self esteem to express my self worth. I'll be able to get from life exactly what it is I want, what it is is treasure, what it is I value.

I know now why all this reflecting and soul-searching is so vital for my recovery. I know that this time is needed. I also know that I got lost over the past years and that I need to "find myself" again. It can be so complex, but logical at the same time. What I was talking about earlier, about coming back from Oz and wanting to look healthy and happy by loosing weight, just shows that I've been living my life so wrong. I've been associating starvation and weight loss with happiness and self worth. But I have a gift, that will shine, and I'll know what purpose I have and therefore feel a worthy person no matter what my weight is, no matter what job I'm doing or how much I travel. I'll be comfortable with myself on the inside and outside. I'll feel fulfilled, once I know what I treasure and value in life. Achieving things will no longer be a goal. Without achievement I already deserve a life. I'll know how to let it shine and I'll know what will make me happy.

Some people aren't aware of the work they're doing or of the gift they were given. Example: The tea-lady who serves tea all day long, chats to her customers from day to day, and gives them a few words of wisdom whenever they need it or a shoulder to cry on. She's touching these people's lives without her realizing it. She's making a difference without having a degree in psychology or without ever having received a reward for "business person of the year". This tea-lady doesn't know the work she's doing but she's doing it, because it comes natural. It's a second nature..it's her gift and she's shining, she's happy and she's fulfilled. A special lady that everybody loves.

So a lesson on the "shiny diamond" yet again..I sat yesterday with Diann, it was all so hard to grasp when she was talking, I was feeling so low and down in the dumps which can make it so hard to make sense. But I can see it now and I love it so much..