Clouds on a Saturday morning

One day I can feel so great. The next can be so bad.
One minute the world is mine. The next it's gone.
I don't want either.. I won't let myself have to world, I'm not allowed.
I don't want to be bad or sad. I don't want a life of nothingness. So what do I do when both directions feel wrong?

I'm agitated with everything and everyone, but most of all myself.
I want my life back, but I don't know how, what or when.
Sometimes the finish-line seems so close, then so far.
I feel like I'm playing games on myself, like I'm just fooling myself and everyone around me. I miss so many things, but am scared that I'll never be able to enjoy them again. I want to the days to just stop so I won't have to feel like I'm missing out on life. I don't want it all to pass me by and that's what's happening. I'm getting nowhere, I'm going nowhere. Even if I were to go somewhere or achieve anything, I wouldn't know what it is I would want it to be. I should know it all by now, but I know nothing.

Sometimes I feel so strong, but others so weak. I hate it so much. Because, at this very moment, all the things I want, be it food or a life, they are all out of reach. Anna doesn't want me to have any of them. So I don't want them. Why? Do I really have to bully myself? I think so, but I shouldn't...
Just feeling upset, makes me want to restrict..it makes me want so forget about my stomach, it makes me want to eat only half of what I should be eating today. I don't know why. But it's the same story over and over again..
I'm trapped, but being pulled in every direction there is. How will I know what to do? How will I know what's best? Can I trust myself? Right now, I don't think so..