A Dutch guy in Greece

Someone who has a negative influence on you. Someone who "brings out the worst in you". Someone you cannot stand to be around. While reading this, I'm certain that there's person who pops into your head. Everyone has someone who can seem to change you into a different person, a person you don't like to be, but you can't help it and it feels like it's beyond your control. You not only don't like this certain person in your life, but you also don't like the person you become..

I have only ever met 1 person who had this effect on me. I was working in Greece, and he was Dutch colleague of mine. I only had to work with him for 1 month. But it was torture. I don't why this guy had such an awful effect on me. Whenever he was around, I just instantly became a b****. He was well aware of it, and it only made him annoy me even more. It was beyond my control and I hated myself for letting him have this negative effect on my mood. He didn't really do anything for me to dislike him the way I did, he was just plain annoying. I went to extremes to get him fired. I even threatened my boss... You know it was like a scene from a movie or a soap.. "If he doesn't leave, then I'm on the next plane back to Holland..And I mean it!".. I've never had the guts to do anything like that since then, but then again, I haven't been effected by anything so badly as by him, working all the different jobs. My boss did choose me over him..thankfully, and he left and I returned to my normal self and was able to work happily in a nice environment.

Since then, I have never come across anybody who brought out that awful side of me..until now.. I've established that Anna does the exact same as the Dutch guy in Greece. She brings out the worst in me. She makes me behave in ways that I hate. She influences my mood so much. It's safe to say that I not only hate who she is and what she's done, but I also hate her for bringing out this awful side of me and I hate myself for letting it happen. It feels like it's beyond my control. I can't help it. Whenever I'm confronted with her, I'm not the person I want to be.

I'm training myself to not let her take over. But the more I ignore her, the more distance there will be between us..which has to be done, I know. But it's still so hard to keep pushing her away, because a small part of me doesn't want her to leave. Every part of me knows that she has to leave, and a large part of me wants her to, but not all of me. So by letting her still have her way, by letting her rule my mood and make me grumpy and be a nasty person, she's still with me. It means she still has some kind of control over me. I'm ignoring her when she's telling me bad things about all the food and so on that front, she's losing control. But with my mood, she's still getting it. If I continue letting her control my mood, then I'm giving her strength, I'm "feeding" her.. and this isn't good either, I know.

By feeding myself nutrition, I'm giving myself energy. The more energy I feel the more emotions I can express. Eating puts me in a bad mood---The fact that I need this food and that I'm feeding myself and that I'm hungry and that I'm putting on weight. It makes me angry with Fay, even though she's doing the best thing. But the food for Fay, is giving me energy to express anger towards Fay and to hate her for eating. So by being angry with Fay and hating her, all this food and nutrition is literally feeding Anna.. it's giving her strength?

O, wouw, I can see exactly where I am.. Only just now, while typing this, it makes sense. Also something Diann said to me weeks ago pops into mind.. "Use the energy and strength you're getting from food to focus on fighting her". These were just words weeks ago, because I didn't have any energy. But now, they are words with a meaning.. Now that I've got more energy, I can see that by fighting against the bad moods and by not letting Anna rule my state of mind and by ignoring her, and not giving into what she wants..by staying strong and being in the mood that Fay would want to be..will make Anna weak. Yes, it's tiring, this constant battle going on, nearly everyday, but the energy I've got will be put to good use.

It makes sense, but it's such a slow process. Sometimes I can't see what's really happening and sometimes I'm not aware of the most logical things, but it can all of a sudden seem so simple and easy..

The guy in Greece, he would have loved the fact the he had such a bad influence on me. He loved to know that "he was getting to me".. It showed him that he was winning, he was getting what he wanted and I was letting it happen. If I had ignored him and not let on that he brought out this awful person in me, then he probably would have gotten bored with trying to annoy me and make my life hell.. It's similar to Anna.. If I ignore her, she'll soon get bored and leave me alone. If she's sees that her work is paying off and that she's succeeding, she'll keep on going..

Okay, it won't happen overnight and it's all so slow. But it's another clarification and with that, a small step up..