For better, For worse?

A small part of me still wants her to stay, a larger part of me doesn't. I know she has to leave, but it doesn't make it any easier.

It seems so pathetic that I don't want to let her go. I seem to cherish her. I'm sad to keep on making the distance between us so bigger. Someone that has done me so much damage. So i'm turning my back on her but it can feel so wrong. I know I'm doing it, constantly, but I somewhere inside of me, I'm not happy about it. It's like grieving for anything.. Letting go of something that's bad for you, but it's something you loved and something that, at one stage, thought you would be with FOREVER.. This was who I had "chosen" so I was therefore meant to stick with it. I didn't want to let her down, I did want to fail.. "For better for worse, till death us do part".. And that probably would have been it.. I would have stuck by her and supported her forever.. I had started to identify myself with being her. When something feels so strong, the bond is unbreakable and could last forever.

Without this person, a whole new life has be rebuilt.. Everything has to be looked at in a different light. Because nothing will ever be the same again. She won't have a negative effect on me anymore, people will see me as "just Niamh".. and not "Niamh and Anna". People who didn't even know me, would see "Niamh and Anna". Everyone would advise against such a relationship.. Niamh wouldn't listen, because "love is blind"..

Even when my nearest and dearest knew there was something not right, something was very wrong.. months and months before Niamh ever even started to open her eyes.. On the outside looking in.. From a distance things are clear, but being up close or right in the middle of it, nothing is clear.
Not until the breaking down and then breaking free starts. But the bond took months and months to become so strong, and therefore letting go will take months.. They say to get over any kind of relationship it takes half the time you were in it, to fully get over it.. I'm not going to count the months, we never had an anniversary, we never kept track.. I'll feel it, when it's all over and done with..

Starting over and living as "single" woman again..independent and free, creating my own life with my own happiness and not needing Anna to make me feel good. Starting over, is always scary, uncertain, tricky and confusing. I relied on Anna to give me strength and make me feel good, when she's gone I'll have to do it all alone. There's nobody I can fall back on.. It'll be just me against the world..
"What a scary thought.." Those are Anna's thoughts. Fay would say: "What an exciting thought.."