A glass of wine and a roast dinner

Alcohol and a roast dinner. Doesn't that sound lovely? Maybe it does, but to me, it sounds like torture. On Saturday night, I was in the pub with Emma and Mam and we were just chatting and talking. I was feeling pretty okay. I had switched off all the guilt feelings, but I knew they would catch me in the end..

Before Saturday night, it was over 8 weeks since I'd had a drop of alcohol. It might sound real bad, but I've never gone for so long with alcohol since I was 16 I reckon. So, Saturday night, I wasn't sure what to have.. a glass of rose, or wine, or a beer or just a water.. I started with a water. I didn't really care. I felt that having alcohol would mean failing. This is so silly, because I'm not addicted to alcohol.. It's not like I have to stay away from it. So why all of a sudden was it such a big deal for me to have it or not? Over the past year, no matter how much I've restricted myself from eating, I never restricted on my alcohol consumption. Maybe now that I'm eating so much and not letting Anna take over that area of my life, I'm now restricting myself with alcohol? I actually know that's the reason as well as me enjoying it too much which means I'm not allowed it. Anna thinks.. you're eating so I've lost control but I can still control you in other areas, and alcohol is one of them.. It's the same with having a conversation, laughing and enjoying other peoples company. She still wants to control me in those areas as well. Some days it worse than others. Some days I can switch her off and let myself smile or laugh at something. Other days I haven't the energy to switch her off and she's in control and makes me an awful person.

Saturday night, I ended up having a whiskey. It was real nice but I did feel a little guilty for enjoying it so much. I didn't know why I gave in... Then the talks started about a roast that Mam and Emma were going to cook on Sunday afternoon.. That combined with me drinking such a nice drink, chatting, enjoying myself and after feeling so normal on Friday and Saturday, was all a bit much.
Sunday morning, I didn't really want to see anybody, I didn't want to speak or do anything. I didn't want to eat and certainly wasn't going to be nice and chirpy if everyone was expecting me to.. which they were. Why? Because just the meaning of the word "roast" says: happy, food, drinks, company, chatting..bla bla bla.. That sounds like torture, even when I'm writing about it now, it's making me so angry.. I spent most of the day in bed on Sunday, I needed to be alone, I was hating everybody and everything and I was exhausted. Once it came to the dreaded meal, I felt I had to make an effort, but I hated it so much.

There was this massive, greasy leg of lamb.. Oh my god, the sight of it made me want to throw up.. and just thinking about it now, is making me feel ill.. and then there were spuds and everyone was just eating and enjoying it with loads of butter and gravey.. how wrong, how gross.. and then offering me wine.. NO WAY!! Drinking a glass of wine with dinner, means you have to enjoy your dinner, you have to chat, you have to be happy and be merry.. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! How am I supposed to be pleased to sit down at the table, eat 2 tofu sausages, with some sweet potato and vegetables swimming in oil... Isn't it enough that I'm putting grease in my body, but then I'm also expected to put alcohol in there as well?! What do you think I am..wonder woman?? It's making me feel angry and sick...

Anyhow, it was awful. Dinnertimes can be either really difficult or bearable. But Sunday was just so bad, because there was so much pressure for me to join in the fun and food.. Sorry, but at this moment in time, food and fun do NOT fit in the same sentence..
The last time I went out for dinner was in June. I used to be fine with it. But ever since I've come back to Ireland, I don't want to think about going out for a meal and drinking wine. Why is it that it never used to be a problem, even when I was restricting myself, and now it is? I don't know why this is.. Maybe because I don't have to lie about it anymore and hide that I hate meals. Back then I was hiding and lying. But that was fine and I would love going out and talking for hours drinking wine and being merry and eating. But that's changed. It should come back again. It's just that I never realized it had become a problem, because I don't have a social life or any friends here to do this with. After this weekend I've only realized that it's now also a restriction. Maybe it's just as well that I don't have any mates here.. That way I don't have to deal with it.. I'm not supposed to be discovering or creating more restrictions for myself.. I'm supposed to be breaking them down and doing the things I enjoy.. How annoying. That's another restriction added to my list..It's getting longer again..