Intentional Unpredictability

Wet and windy..raining and miserable. That's the weather right now. But it could clear up. The clouds could lift during the day and the sunny spells might be on their way. Who knows. Rain and clouds, we have to live through them, it's just the way it is and there's nothing we can do about them. There no point in being angry or upset about it. There just there.. It's how the world works. They are to release the pressure that's been building up. It doesn't intentionally choose where and when it releases the pressure.. Ireland is just unlucky to nearly always be the place where the clouds seem to burst.. But such is life. If the clouds didn't burst above Arklow, they'd burst somewhere else. Sooner or later..

Have my clouds temporarily lifted? Am I feeling a blue sky? Am I seeing a blue sky up a head? I can't answer that.. It changes so rapidly and it's unpredictable..just like the Irish weather. I have to let the clouds come and go and I have to deal with them. There's no point analyzing them, just like there's no point analyzing the weather.. Being aware of what's going on, is far more important.

Blue skies will await. But can't my whole life be one big blue sky? Up until now I can see my life a blue sky, with thunder storms, turnado's, earthquakes, blizzards and tropical winds passing through. So life will continue to be that way..Even years from now clouds will come and go.. So, at this present moment..in the midst of the clouds, rain and fog, my life is still a blue sky, I just can't see it right now. But it's okay and it's what I'm here for. If I wasn't here in Arklow, I'd be caught up in my own misery somewhere else and I wouldn't see that the clouds are just passing and that I'm able to work through them to see the blue skies again..I wouldn't have had a clue, if I wasn't here in Ireland doing what I'm doing.

I'm afraid to think about the blue skies. I know I'll be feeling and seeing them again, but I don't want to think that far ahead.. "Ahead" being months from now. It may not seem like a long time for some people, as they just trot along, living from week to week, month to month, from paycheck to paycheck, filling every weekend as far ahead as their agenda will allow them. But for me, the space of a few months can make more difference than 3 or 4 years can make to some people who rush through their lives without realizing what's really happening.

It freaks me out to think back and to think forward. Thinking back is too hard because it doesn't feel real, I wasn't that person, who flew from Holland to Ireland on the 2nd of July. Thinking ahead is also hard because I want it all so badly and I don't want to push myself. As well, thinking ahead, forces me to be aware that there is a whole world out there. Thinking ahead automatically makes me think about all the meals I'll still have to eat, for years and years to come and it suffocates me.

But I want to be outrageous and thrive on life itself, but the thoughts of doing it all, while I'm stuffing my face with food, makes it feel so wrong. Because doing and enjoying things is good for the soul, so I would have to give up something that's good for me, in order to enjoy other things fully. So that would mean, no food if I'm enjoying life so much. But then, no food means no life.

Life to me means.. loving, laughing, crying, caring, sharing and experiencing. In order to have all this, I have to let myself eat. Without a nourished body, mind and soul, my reasons for living aren't important. They are meaningless if I don't eat. In order to think clearly about what I want from life, I need food. I order to express all this, I need food.. Food is the source of my vitality and energy..

If I had to make a choice between NOT eating and supporting and fighting Anna forever, or eating healthily and having a free soul and supporting Fay forever.. I don't have to think twice. But I want the best of both worlds.. I want to able to go through life restricting myself from food and being skinny and I want to be free as well. It doesn't work like that though. I'm living proof that it's either one or the other.. Anna took so much away from me, even though I've always known I wanted to be a free spirit..Free in body, mind and soul.. That's all I've ever dreamed of. But in order to have this, I need to support Fay 100%. And this also means, eating.

So soldiering on, day in day out..the eating continues, as does the dreaming..