It's still Manic Monday

If someone asks you: "What have you been doing for the past 5 or 6 months". Your answer could be: "I've done 3 language courses, I've gotten a promotion at work, and have bought a house".. This is just an example. Everybody's answer is different. I keep on saying that I'm not living and that I don't have a life. But, if I were to answer this question honestly, it would be: "I've been happy, I've been scared, I've been alone, I've been depressed and I've been loved.."..

What's the point I'm trying to make? I HAVE been living the past few months. I HAVE been working and achieving. But in a different way. I won't have any certificates to show what I've been doing the past while, but I will have gained more than most people my age. I've been working hard on MYSELF, and I can tell you, it's harder than you can imagine. I've been achieving self-awareness. I've been learning is every sense of the word. So it makes me sad for anybody, including myself, to think that this is a waste of time and that I'm not doing anything and that I'm lazy.
I am living my life, and doing what's right for me at this moment in time.

But then this brings me to another quote I came across on Internet: "Saying 'no' to food, is saying 'no' to life".. It was an American girl, who was fully recovered from Anna. When I first read these words I thought, well that's pretty obvious. If you don't eat, you die. It's simple. But only now, these words make sense to me. Each meal I decide to skip, gives in to Anna a little more and makes her grow stronger. The more I repeat this behaviour, the stronger she becomes and the more she takes over and further away I get from having my own life. It's not just one meal. It's so much more than that. Being able to eat without it being an issue, means you can have the life you want. You don't have to worry about putting on weight, you don't have to count calories, you don't have to plan you're day around your meals. You can focus on the important things that life has to offer. Each bite is for life. Each bite keeps your body ticking over and it's keep your mind in tact, it keeps you focused and energizes the soul while putting you in a good mood. There are no restrictions, no boundaries and also no limits. No diets and no binging. No hiding and no running. But being free without feeling the need to get on a plane and travel 1200km's.. Because with or without a plane journey, you're free..even when stuck in Arklow, behind the computer. Each bite will give me the life I long for. "Saying 'yes' to food is saying 'yes' to life".

Doesn't everybody know the feeling you get after overeating. You feel awful, full and you're not happy with what you've just done. Imagine going through life feeling like that, all the time. It's normal that it would have an effect on your mental health..you'd be unhappy, but would seek comfort in the thing that feels right and it will start to feel normal and you would slowly become trapped in your own bad mood and behaviour. You may recognize that you've changed, but aren't really sure why..so you put it down to "getting older" or "growing up". But then, you suddenly have become aware there is a problem. This problem turns out not to be just with food, so it so much deeper than that. You find out the symptoms of the disorder and "isolation" is one of them. All of a sudden there's a sigh of relief.. The behaviour you put down to "getting older", is really related to the issues you have with yourself and food and these are solvable, as is your behaviour..

What am I trying to say?

This was me..but instead of "overeating", it's "under-eating". I think back to the 6 months I was living in Holland, before coming back to Ireland. I was so isolated. I socialized as much as I could, but other than that, I was more than happy to close myself off from the world. But, back then, I put it down to.."I'm getting old". My spontaneity and enthusiasm wouldn't come naturally to me, the way it always did and on the occasions I was enthusiastic, I had to put all my energy into it, just to keep up the front and still be the person my friends remembered me as.. But I'm relieved to know that I'm not getting old. It was the combination of not-eating and the underlying issues. They both made me into a person I thought I had become. But it wasn't me..My natural enthusiasm and energy will come back. I'm waiting for it. Sometimes I'm scared that I'll never get it back, because it feels like it's taking so long. But I'll fight for it..People used to always joke and ask me "Niamh, where do you get you're energy?", I would answer: "the chemist".. Well, that came back and smacked me in the face didn't it.. Because that's exactly where I get any little bursts of energy from nowadays..(Mam always picks up the supplements, or energy drinks, from the chemist..).

What's my point? Well, "saying 'yes' to food, is saying 'yes' to life", having a free soul and not being isolated anymore, is what I want..
I keep on having "visions"..of me in months to come. I'm recovered and I'm with my mate Kelly, I can't see where we are, but we're just laughing our heads off and having a brilliant time chatting. Me and her bounce off each other, it's like electricity, in the way that, whenever we're together we both are on top of the world. We love life so much and we make each other so hyper. We both always say to each other..it doesn't matter where we meet up, either in Oz, England or Holland, we are living life to the full whenever we're together.

And that's the thing I see whenever I think of me being better and fully refueled.. It excites me.
But am I just fooling myself? Time will tell..