Keeping it real

Being active or sitting on my backside? What do I like to do best? What gives me more satisfaction? I don't know. It used to be "being active".. But now? Who cares? What does it matter..
But by not being active, I'll get fat, and that's something I don't want. During the week, I was told that if I don't do anything all day, all the food will go to my hips.. Panic! What the hell?! Is that really what's going to happen? Because I don't want big hips.. Do I already have them? Has it happened without me noticing, because I haven't looked in the mirror properly for a few weeks. Are big hips bad? What's wrong with big hips? Do I have the "genes" that will give me these big hips?

It was Mr. Acupuncturist who said it to me. Bless him. He really doesn't mean to make me feel so bad, but some of the things he says, kind of hit the wrong strings, if you know what I'm saying. I can't let it go. It's been playing on my mind.. And I'm now terrified of having big hips. I still fit my jeans, thankfully. But it won't be for much longer.. That's the day I dread the most. The day I try them on, and they're too small.. Will I obsess like this forever? I think I could probably fit a size "small" in the adults department again. But I don't know. I tell myself that, but I don't know if it's real or not. As I read somewhere once: What we imagine, we create.. I used to tell myself I was fat, to keep off the weight. This gave me motivation. But Diann said to me, that it could work the other way as well so you should be careful with telling yourself things that aren't true. It's like..What we feel, we attract.. If I feel fat, then I'll end up fat.. If I tell myself I have big hips, then that's what I have or I'll, subconsciously, create?

So how do I know what's right? How do I know if I do have big hips or not? How do I know if I'm fat or slim? How do I know what I see in the mirror is real? When will I be able to trust my own judgment?

The reason I used to always tell myself I was fat, was to stay away from bad foods. I would sometimes come across overweight people, who would see themselves as skinny. But really they weren't. For people who see themselves as slim, they eat whatever it is they want..and they put on weight, but can't see it because they have convinced themselves they are slim.
You could compare "seeing what isn't real" with the X-Factor auditions.. Some people actually think they can sing and are so convinced that they are great.. They sing their hearts out, but all the while they are making fools of themselves. There's no one who dares tell them otherwise..except Simon Cowell.. My point is, that when you're so convinced you're one thing, when actually you aren't, how can you know what's real? Relating this back to me..How will I know that what I see in the mirror is genuine? How will I know if I'm fat or slim? How will I know if I'm healthy or not? How will I be able to trust myself again?

Looking at is from a different perspective, when it comes to looking at myself in the mirror: What does it matter? Because it doesn't really..does it? We see what we want to see.. If I want to see a fat person, in order to stay slim, then that's what I'll see. If I want to see a slim person, in order to keep on eating and stay healthy, then that's what I'll see. I have to learn to look past the reflection...It's just a parcel. I have to learn to NOT judge myself according to my clothes size and by what I've achieved. I don't need to judge myself and I don't care what other people think of me, and honestly, if other people judge me by my clothes size, then they aren't worth the time of day..

Believing what you've convinced yourself of, or believing in what's real? Why is that most people would tell themselves that they are one thing, when they are another? Is it modesty? Is it their ego? Is it being over-confident? Are we all just fooling ourselves by constantly telling ourselves we're a certain thing, just to keep our feet on the ground or to live up to expectations of society or the people we love? If so, is it done intentionally? Why would somebody choose to go through life being someone they're not? Some people aren't even aware of this, and therefore also unaware of the potential they have or the lies they've been convincing themselves of. Not everybody gets the opportunity to see who they really are..

Example.. It's like having a talent. I'm convinced everybody is born with a talent. Some people are lucky they get to discover it.. The really lucky ones discover it early in life. They get the chance to develop it, they are passionate about it and they devote their life to it. Other people never get to discover what their talent is.. Which could be a waste. So how do we find out what it is? By sticking to doing our work and filling the time with activities that we think we're supposed to be doing? Or by venturing out and discovering this gift? It seems like the obvious answer, but life doesn't always give us the opportunity to venture out and things don't always work out the way they should or could. But these are only our surroundings that are uncontrollable. We can't influence external factors but we can influence internal factors. We have the power and we can make it happen.

If I relate this to my situation. Everything I had, has been stripped away from me. My surroundings that I classed as my "world" and that made me happy, were taken away, by Anna. I gave up my job, I left Holland, my friends, Emma and Orla, my plans and my "life". I gave them up, it was my own choice, in leaned on my family. Other than that, I had nothing. And to add to that, I had to start the battle against Anna. So everything I thought I valued, was gone.. I was forced to find my own happiness and rely totally on myself to see that there is a gift on the inside and that there is so much going on. I was forced to discover who I really am and in order to do so, I had to learn to be true to this person. I know I can be happy anywhere, as long as I'm happy with myself.. Finding out what's real about me, and rebuilding my life, through my body, mind and soul, and relying on this to create the life I long for so much and choosing other external factors that will support and give me the chance to express my internal energy and strength..
It's all about just being true to myself and learning to know what's real and to trust myself again.