A little snooze

It's Friday morning, eating my toast, putting on the weight.. just doing what I do best. Well, not the eating but the fattening up..

Yesterday afternoon I had to go to the dentist, I had a filling. Don't you just hate the needles..Especially when you can actually feel the liquid being squirted into your jaw and spread up your cheek and down the back of your ear..on the inside.. That's just awful. I thought I was going to pass out..I got dizzy and heart was racing..I thought I was a little bit better with needles, seeing as though I get acupuncture done ever week..but no, not that size and not in my mouth..

I was numb for hours, had a headache and I was just really groggy and feeling disgusting. I went to bed when I got home. After I had my toasted cheese sandwich yesterday before I went to the dentist, it was the big question if I was able to eat everything else I was supposed to have..But it went out the window, once I was numbed up.. I wasn't really hungry and my jaw was aching. I probably could have forced myself to eat a proper dinner and all my extra's. But I didn't. Having a sore face was an excuse for me not to have to eat properly..oops.. I've been bold.. I know. But I wasn't really caring.

I was kind of "stuck" yesterday. After acting on my hunger yesterday, for the first time and feeling like I'd been "let loose", I didn't want to push anymore. I know I should have done, but I couldn't. I felt so uneasy and needed to do something for Fay. So I wanted to write, but I couldn't. Everytime I tried to think things through or the analyze the day or to find certain answers, I got a pounding headache. But I felt like I hadn't done enough for Fay. I didn't want the day to end without doing more for her.. This was probably because I had restricted myself food-wise.. I was on-edge and feeling guilty as well for ignoring Anna and for not caring for Fay..

I was in bed, watching some dvds.. I fell asleep for about 10 minutes, I woke up, and everything was instantly different. My head was clear again, there was no guilt, there was no uneasy feeling and there was no panic caused by no doing enough for Fay. Everything was at ease. Just the fact that I didn't keep on wrecking my brains by forcing myself to write and giving myself a pounding head-ache whilst doing so, was supporting Fay and dozing for 10 minutes was giving her energy and clarity.

Usually I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep, for feeling so useless. But I was fine, things had turned around and I slept like a baby. I went to bed telling myself that the next morning I would be thinking even clearer and would be able to make sense of things and I would be constructive towards Fay, which will give me a reason to get up and get through the day.
And that's exactly how it happened. It's like I've got so much clarity in my head, that I can deal with anything, in moderation.. Having a clear mind, makes it possible for me to fight and push a little harder each day. The more good days I have, the more strength I have to push Anna out. The further along I get, the stronger I become which will make it that little bit easier. I suppose you could compare it to weight-lifting. You start off with light ones, in order to train and get used to the lifting. You gradually built up the muscle which makes it possible to lift more. The stronger you get the easier the lifting is. The same goes for inner strength as well. Maybe. Well that's how it feels anyhow.
So I'm going to get on with some "weight-lifting"..