Living on adrenaline

The past week I've been worried about how active I used to be, and how non-active I am right now. Back in July and August, I thought that by October my energy would have come back. But this isn't yet the case, unfortunately. My worries were triggered by Mr. Acupuncturist saying that I need to get a little exercise each day for my circulation and an email I got off a friend of mine.

I'm not half as weak, physically as I was weeks ago, but I'm still not feeling energized like I used to. I spoke to Diann about it yesterday. She said exactly what I was thinking.. That society, be it work, family or friends, seems to have certain expectations as to how long a person should be sick or how long a person should take to get back to good health. If I were to let myself be mislead by other peoples expectations, then I would never give myself the time to get through this, completely. Well, that's how it feels to me and Diann said yesterday that she doesn't want me doing any exercise. Maybe only things around the house, but that's it, for now anyway.

In her opinion, it took me so long to slow down and to stop, in order for me to take a breather and let myself recover, that it's still not time for me to take back on the world. It's too soon. I know she's right. Sometimes I know that this is how my recovery is supposed to be going. Mentally I'm probably further along than I am physically. Even though I'm putting on weight, I'm not as strong and fit as I was 6 months ago. Which sounds strange, but it's true.

It wouldn't feel right for me to go for 10 or 15 minute walks each day. I would be forcing myself and I'm the only one who can feel if it's time or not, to take on more. And right now, it's not.. Being weaker than I usually am, is stopping me from taking on too much, and it's forcing me to resist any urges I have to get ahead of myself. Because I know if I was physically able to walk 15 minutes, I would. This would only slow my recovery down in the long run. If my body felt able to take on the world, it would, whether or not my mind was able to cope.. So this is how it's supposed to be. This is how it feels right to me.

Diann also said that it's taking so long for my energy to return because I was totally burned-out, without realizing it. Living life in the fast-lane took it's toll, and now, slowing down is probably the best thing I'll ever do. She has faith the I'm restoring and rebuilding my body and that my energy will return.. But will I be active again? I don't know.. will I run through life? probably, but at a different pace. She's concerned that once my energy does come back, that I'll just totally be overwhelmed and get ahead of myself. If that's the personality I have, then it's a downfall and I'll need to be aware of when I'm pushing myself too much and when I need to calm down..

Energy that I will start to feel again, if I can channel it right, then it will be sustained energy. I could be laid back and still be energized. Which seems strange to me, because I always figured that laid back people aren't energetic and for some reason I never wanted to be classed as somebody laid-back or non-energetic.. But these two aren't the same because Diann got me thinking about it and I know lots of people who are laid back, but not lazy and who are still full of life and energetic.. Sustained energy doesn't run a person into the ground. According to Diann I was living on false energy.. Or living on adrenaline. I was constantly looking for the next place to find it and once I'd found it and knew I was going to get my adrenaline-fix, I would get more energy.. Who can go through life living like that, without running themselves into the ground? It's impossible to keep it up..and that's not even taking food into consideration. People living on adrenaline and eating a healthy diet, still wouldn't be able to keep up the pace. So it's no wonder that I'm now feeling the "pinch"..not eating and running through life..it caught up with me..

I'm currently de-adrenalized.. my body is recuperating and that's why it's taking longer for my energy to come back. I shouldn't worry because if it's in my nature to be energetic and if I keep on concentrating on just being me and being true to myself, then I'll soon start feeling the benefits. And if I turn out to be more laid-back, what would be wrong with that? I am who I'm meant to be.. That's all, nothing more, nothing less..and for now, I'm slow because that's how I'm meant to be to get through this period.