Pleasure and Pain

It's Wednesday afternoon and the past 2 days have been so strange.
Monday and Tuesday evening, at 7 o'clock I was ready for the day to end. I was just wishing the day away. Why couldn't the time just go a little bit faster? Why was I feeling so tired and lifeless? Why am I so emotional? Anytime I've been alone, all I could do was cry.

Heartbroken is how I've been feeling, and it can feel awful, but feeling that bad, surely should be good for me, in a way? I can enjoy feeling so low..It keeps me sane.. However, the past two days, I was aware I needed to get my mind off everything. I needed to occupy my mind with other things. But thinking about other things, would make me feel bad, so I'd drive myself insane, cause an instant headache and force myself to work through things. The headache was probably just my body telling me that I'd done enough for the a few days. But I didn't want to occupy my mind with anything else. Because I'd be doing knowing good for Fay.. I feel I have to focus on either one of them, all the time, or else I won't get through this.

I instantly know I'm over-analyzing everything, and sometimes even creating problems where there aren't any..Because I'm eating and therefore I'm fine.
It can be so tiring to keep my mind off everything, whenever I can't or don't want to think about Anna or Fay. But I should be allowed to think about other things. Maybe it's what I need to do, even if I have to force myself. Because I'm doing all I can for Fay.

I didn't want to speak to anyone or be chatty or even polite.. Isolation can be the best thing for me, at the best of times.. If I don't isolate myself, I feel normal and then I need to get back to normal life, which I'm not yet able for. Being isolated, means I don't have to think about the world outside, about what I'm missing out on, I don't have to interact, I don't have to do anything..Just be me..

Last night, I was in bed, I didn't want to sleep and it like a chore, almost like torture. Whereas Monday night, I fell asleep at 9 o'clock but last night I would have preferred to sit up all night in front of the tv and read my book. The same thing kept me awake for ages.. All I kept on thinking about was how huge I'm going to be. I look at photo's of me from a few years back. A fat face, ugly and disgusting..And that's the image I have of me, in months to come. It's so wrong, because I don't want to be like that again, but everyday I'm forcing myself to become that ugly person again. I'm forcing myself to be fat by feeding myself constantly. But I have to and I keep on doing it.. Just eating.. and dreaming about it..

I dreamt about a glass of wine, a few nights ago. A rose.. It was delicious and I was allowed it. I didn't binge drink, I just enjoyed one glass. How nice it was.. I would love for nothing more, than to sit down and chat to anybody..doesn't even matter if I know the person or not, and enjoy a drink and not feel guilty.. I don't want Anna lurking over my shoulder and telling me it's wrong. Because there is NOBODY judging me.. which means Anna is also NOBODY..

Maybe I need to take a step back. Maybe I'm moving along too fast. But I think I'm keeping up.. I think I'm where I'm supposed to be.. It just feels so wrong..everything. I've been thinking so much about exercise, because I can feel my arms getting bigger and my bones are disappearing. Why can't I start working on my muscles, to regain my strength? I want to, so badly..

I had a delicious dinner last night, by the way. But nobody is allowed to know. It was noodles with prawns and peppers, with a garlic and coriander marinade. It was so delicious. You know when you enjoy a meal so much, the next day you can still talk about it? Well that's how nice it was, but the "pleasure" of the dinner and then waking up this morning and looking forward to my breakfast and still with the delicious prawns on my mind..seems so much.. I enjoyed it last night, and still am enjoying and I had to put myself through more enjoyment again by eating a yogurt with nuts and muesli and fresh orange juice as well. Surely it should be forbidden to feel so much enjoyment when eating meals..It's just as well that I'd isolated myself because too much positiveness around me, would have had me overflowing with guilt.. If I were to enjoy food and drink and somebody's company and laugh, all in the space of 12 hours..that's bad stuff..

I don't know where all this has come from, I don't really care either.. But positiveness in moderation is all I can deal with right now.