My Chocolate Experience..

If you're a chocolate-lover, it might be wise to have access to some, if you plan on reading this.. just a word of warning..

I've done it. I've had my first piece of chocolate in 5 months. Last night..
Such a big ordeal, well that's how if felt. The whole week I was trying to figure out when would be the best time to have it and suddenly it was Friday afternoon.

At the start of every week (usually a Tuesday) I'm always strongest and at my most positive and I'm therefore able to deal with more, because I've just unloaded all my thoughts on Diann. This would have been the best time to have the chocolate, but I kept on putting it off. It was then Friday afternoon, and I knew it would only get harder so I had to take action. I had to be strong and just do this!

We were in the supermarket yesterday afternoon. The chocolate aisle approached. Mam was afraid to suggest we get a bar of chocolate. I could feel the tension rising and Mam didn't want to get the head taken off her..which might have been what I would have done.. So I knew I had to say something. I was so nervous and was uneasy and didn't quite know what to do.. So I just blurted it out: "Right,I suppose we'll have to get some chocolate then", in the most sarcastic way of course..

I didn't know what to get because I wanted it all..There was too much to choose from. Diann had suggested a Cadbury's Snack.. you know the pink one, with the 3 fingers. It's lighter than having chuncks of chocolate and the 3 fingers will last me as long as I want. It seemed safer to have her suggestion than to come up with something on my own.. Silly really, I know.. Because it just felt so wrong, buying it, that going with her suggestion felt safer and it felt right..

I was wanting to pick up every bar on the shelf and check which one had the least amount of calories and fat. The Eileen came up, saw what I was doing, grabbed the chocolate out of my hand a threw it in the trolley.. Probably just as well she did, I would have driven myself crazy otherwise. So strange, I felt like a little kid, that was being told what to do. But that's fine, because at that moment, it's exactly what I needed..Eileen the little star..

Right, we'd bought it. That was the easy part. Now I had to decide when was the best time to eat it. I would have preferred to eat it with nobody around. But Diann advised against it, because I'll overindulge and feel guilty. All evening I was nervous and trying to figure out when was the best time to have it..I was watching a dvd but I couldn't concentrate and was just worrying and making the whole "first chocolate experience" bigger than it was. I gazed at the screen, not taking in anything, thinking about the chocolate.. Contemplating..: "will I wait until Saturday night? or maybe the afternoon..? That way it won't stick in my stomach.. But I don't want Sean around, because he might say something (unintentionally) and make me feel bad".. Driving myself insane and building up the nerves.

Then it was time to "bite the bullet". Last night Sean and Eileen were out and I was sick of worrying about when to eat it, so I just got on with it. I switched off all the awful feelings.

It was 9 o'clock. I went downstairs, got out the bar, I asked if Mam wanted a finger. She did, thank god.. and we sat had a finger each with a cup of tea. I had to look at the calories..I couldn't resist and I was pleased to realized that there's the same amount in one finger as in a digestive biscuit that I would usually have at the same time each night (65..that's not alot at all!!) So I didn't feel too bad. I had to talk myself through it, in my head, while watching Gordon Ramsay on telly.. I told myself it's just like a digestive biscuit..it's the same and I'm protecting myself against future binging, it's just facing my fear and it has to be done sooner or laster.. So it was good, I was being productive and I was supporting Fay.

I enjoyed it so much. I didn't think it was possible to forget the taste of chocolate..But after the first bite, I was amazed, because I had forgotten how delicious it is..especially the chocolate being Cadburys..the best brand of chocolate in the world, if you ask me.. I managed to enjoy every bite..
Afterwards I wasn't feeling too bad.. I felt a little fat and felt my hips growing and a slight pig but the guilt wasn't overbearing. I spent the rest of the night telling myself over and over again..it's all part of recovering. It's just a small hurdle, a challenge that I've overcome. It's out of the way now. I was telling myself that I'll never totally recover if I still have foods that are forbidden and that I'm "afraid" of..and this was one of them. It's all part of the process. The list of forbidden foods is long, but it's needs to get shorter for me to get through this, and that's what I was doing. I wasn't fattening up and I wasn't overindulging. 1 finger was enough, I didn't feel tempted by the other finger, still in the press which meant I was still in control and that made me feel a little stronger.

I went to bed last night and the visions of the fat and sugars running around my body crept up now and then, but I kept on telling myself..I've done good, it's fine and I'm allowed to have a good nights sleep tonight, because I've been so good to Fay..
And guess what, I woke up this morning and world hadn't stopped spinning, I'm still alive and "fighting fit" after having some chocolate.. there was no reason for me to have been so scared..