Obeying my hunger-moment..Second time

This is a big week, when it comes to "Challenging Anna"..
It probably only feels like this, because I'm having to push myself, on the food area, more so, than I have ever had to do.

Diann wanted me to have some chocolate. I've done this.. That's a closed chapter now. She wanted me to act on my hunger, 3 times this week. I've already done it once. It's now Saturday morning. Today I have to act on, at some stage. I've been thinking about it all day yesterday and this morning.. I can have whatever I like at whatever time I like. During the week, I cured the craving for a toasted cheese sandwich. Yesterday I started thinking what I would love to eat. Anything I like..

I was almost scared and nervous going to the supermarket yesterday afternoon because I'm allowed anything I want. It's all there and as part of recovering, I have to try other foods and challenge Anna by eating WHEN my body needs it and WHAT my body is wanting.. I needed to get out of the house too so I just went and if I now suddenly develop a fear for being around so much food, all under 1 roof, then I'm only giving power to Anna. That's not what I'm supposed to be doing. So I went. I didn't really look at all the food, or ask myself what I really would love to eat.. I didn't want to be a pig, and I knew that there would be something for me at home I'd love to have.. So I resisted the temptation of all the delicious different foods.. oops..

The whole evening and night I was worrying. Not only about the chocolate but I knew I still had to act 2 more times on my hunger-feeling before going to see Diann on Monday. So there was some pressure. I had to do one of these things before going to bed last night..or else I'd have to do too much in too little time.. So I've had the chocolate. Now all I need to do, today, is eat when I'm hungry and it has to be something I'm longing for..

Right at this moment, I'm not hungry. So what am I going to do? Will I just have something anyway? I'm not too sure. I've been putting if off all week, and now I'm stressed-out by it. I've left it too late and now everything is going to go "wrong"..

Right, I might feel hungry later on, but I still have to stick to my normal food-plan..so that's confusing me a little.. I might just stuff my face and have everything I'm supposed to have AND something I'm longing for.. What's the worst that can happen? I'll put weight on my hips, face and feet? Yes, that's what could happen.. But the only person who that effects in a bad way is Anna, and seeing as though I'm challenging her, then isn't it good to be p*ssing her off? Right? I suppose so..

I think I might have a pancake, or a nutty yogurt.. I dreamt about a nutty yogurt last night, because I nearly had it yesterday afternoon and then again yesterday evening. But I didn't.. Anna took over and told me it was bad. Even though I eat a yogurt every morning, this particular nutty yogurt is different. The one I have each morning, is the fat-free one, vanilla flavoured, Activia from Danone, with only 59 calories per 125 grams.. That's practically nothing. The nutty yogurt from Yoplait, that I dreamt about last night is full fat, creamy with 145 calories per 120 grams.. That's a yogurt on a whole different scale..

When I first came back to Ireland, initially on holidays at the beginning of June, these nutty yogurts were in the fridge. They looked so delicious, but once I seen the fat and calorie content, I wasn't allowed it. It's too tasty, too fatty and too much of treat. I was glad that Mam kept on buying them, because everytime I would open the fridge and they would be there calling for me and I would resist the temptation, I would feel good and strong. I would enjoy seeing Sean eating them, especially at night, because that made me feel even better..I was resisting putting on unnecessary kilos.. What a awful person I am.. I was nothing personal against Sean of course, but I was being pushed to my limits without anybody knowing this and I got stronger the more he ate and the more I was being confronted.

There has been one in the fridge now for the past 2 days. I know Sean will want to have it, sometime today or tonight.. But I could have it if I wanted to.. That would be a big step..Having a full fat yogurt, that has been calling my name since the beginning of June.. Hummm..I don't know..
Or a pancake, or a scone..?? I don't know, I don't know.. Right, I've just gone to the fridge, I've taken it out, and I'm gonna have the yogurt..O my god.. That is delicious.. It smells divine and there's even little bits of nuts in it.. I don't think I've ever had one of these..not by yoplait anyhow and not hazelnut flavour.. And there really isn't that much fat in them.. only 5 grams.. It's so creamy and not as sweet as I imagined..and it's a source of calcium and protein, it's fine..

I'm just facing another fear, it's okay, I'm supposed to have it.. Fay will be proud..words that are not yet to be said outloud..