Pyschical state of being

A growing backside and cheeks that are filling..
Everything is filling out..every inch of my body, even my feet. I never knew it was possible to loose weight in your feet, but I did, because they are now getting bigger..My nose? spreading across my face. My ankles..fat. My ribs have disappeared.
But I'm still eating..

I wanted to walk to the garage today. But I haven't gone yet. I would do it for the right reasons, which are to get some fresh air and to just have a stroll.. But I can't bring myself to do it. It's such a big deal and I'm not too sure why. Maybe because of what it represents, but not the actual distance. Whenever I walk around the shopping center, I would walk further than I would if I were to walk to the garage and back. So why can't I bring myself to do it? Maybe I'll be too tired afterwards and feel bad because I've pushed myself. But I need to "test the water" and see how I go. Maybe if I walk up, I'll be setting myself up for a "downer". But if I don't try, then I'll never know, right? I wouldn't be walking to burn calories. I don't want that anymore. Even though the whole morning I've been forcing myself to do things and to slow down at the same time, because I've been unintentionally trying to keep myself busy.. After 20 minutes of doing things, I wanted to go back to bed..(11 o clock in the morning..).

If I walk to the garage I'll need to rest afterwards and maybe I'd prefer to use my energy to do good things for Fay instead of going for the walk.. Things like scrap-booking or reading the brilliant book I bought about a "spiritual journey".

It's strange. I picked my "daily card" just 20 minutes ago, and it said: "Today I'll let go of my need to be anxious and upset and will replace these feelings with calmness. I'll keep moving forward gently, not frantically."
This made me laugh, because that's exactly what I was doing when I took the card from the deck.. So I thought.. No, I'm not going to run around the house or walk to the garage if I don't want to.

Such a big deal..For someone who used to go everywhere and anywhere without a second thought.. Now going the garage is the biggest deal in the world. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out how far along I am. I know more or less how far I am with food.. I know more or less how far I am with breaking the habits.. I know what's needed to be done for me to keep on getting through this (some days it's clearer than others..), but I don't know how my body is, except for the fact that it's getting fatter..

I can only see the difference when I compare it to weeks ago. I can't see the difference within days.. It's not like a tummy bug or the flu.
Do my legs still hurt? When I'm lying down for more than a half an hour, they throb and ache. Now and then I get cramps as well, for no apparent reason and when I'm walking at a slow pace, they don't hurt. They are fragile and often do feel they could give way from underneath me. I think my heart is getting stronger again. But I can only "train" this by keeping myself lightly active. So doing small things around the house is the only thing that I can do. Going outside the house isn't a chore like it used to be. Sometimes I'm more aware of what's going on around me than other times. But the fresh air is nice and it's not my enemy like it was at one stage. I think this just depends on the day and how good I'm feeling. My back only aches now and then. Apparently the more "mobile" I get, the stronger my bone structure will become, which will relieve my back from the strain it's been under due to all the resting I've needed to do. I get dizzy now and then, but not as often as I used to. Sometimes my head will ache and I'll feel fuzzy and dizzy, but it's getting less. My stomach is always swollen but doesn't hurt anymore. The stretching feeling has gone. My energy in general is something I'm not too sure about. Sometimes I think I'm full of energy, but when I then try to do things at a normal speed, I'm wrecked after 10 minutes. Every week, the days after acupuncture, usually Wednesday and Thursday, I'm weak and tired. Then the following days, I feel better and rested and think I can take on the world again.. But "taking on the world" these days, is emptying the dishwasher and changing the quilt on my bed.. And that's about it.

When I'm feeling energized, I hate it, because I feel so bad towards my job. I instantly feel that I should and could be working and that I'm fine again. That's when things can start to go down hill because I try to be active and do all the wrong things.. Frantically trying to move forward when all I'm really doing is setting myself up for a downfall.

It's crazy really, when to think around 8 months ago, I probably weighed the same as I do now, but then I was able to work, party, walk and do everything I wanted. But now.. Nothing. How can something change so drastically?

The body is really such a fragile thing. And sometimes I can actually feel more fragile than I did when I was 7 kilos lighter. During the week I woke up and I just feel so empty and "brittle" (not too sure if that's the right word to use). Then I can feel bad that I could have seriously caused permanent damage to my body. But thankfully I haven't.

Writing all this now, about the pyschical side of things and that I can feel the difference, really does feel awful. But I'm encouraging myself at the same time, by writing this. I'm forcing myself to face the facts, because this is just how it is, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not as strong as I am and I'm not going to make or tell myself and others that I feel worse than I do. I have to be true to what's going. I reckon that's the only way I'll get myself to the end or to the new beginning (it's just how you look at it..) It's confronting and hard for me to put myself through this right now. Not only because I know that everyone who reads this will be pleased and think I'm better and but also because it's proof that I can ignore the feelings of guilt as I "confess" to my pyschical state of being.

As I'm betraying Anna, it feels so wrong and it's so so hard..