Living for the weekend

Every Saturday morning I seem to start off badly. I don't know if it's because things are starting to get too much and I'm needing to talk about things, openly, instead of always only writing about them, as I only let myself talk to Diann about what's going on. Or if it's because it's the weekend..

I loathe them so much. They are the days of the week when everybody enjoys themselves the most, just like I would usually do. During the week I don't really mind that I'm so "isolated". I can deal with it. But at weekends I'm forced to face the fact of how lonely I can be and how much I miss my life. I always try to switch off the fact that it's a Friday night, and that after Friday night comes Saturday night.. I don't want to know about it. Thinking about it, just brings me down even more and now I'm slowly getting stronger, it's harder to switch off the fact that I've got to get through yet Saturday night knowing the world is going wild.

These moments of anger and frustration sometimes only last a short while. I can distance myself from them and turn them around by telling myself.. "This is where I'm supposed to be.." I can also remind myself of how much it would annoy me that people spend their whole lives living towards the weekends and counting down the days to Friday. That is something I would always see as such a waste. People don't appreciate a week-day like they appreciate a weekend-day. But a day is a day isn't it.. People living busy lives only seem to enjoy Saturday and Sunday and all the others days and nights are wished away as they continue to count down the days to the weekend..

Reminding myself every weekend, of how this would annoy me and how strongly I feel against living a life like that, makes it easier for me to get through to Sunday afternoon. But aren't I living the exact same way as I do on weekdays. So what difference does it make for me if I'm dealing with stuff and feeling awful on a Sunday morning at breakfast or on a Friday night at midnight or on a Wednesday afternoon at noon? There is no difference at all, so I shouldn't really care that it's another Saturday I want to party like never before.. These urges are irrelevant really and it doesn't matter because getting through this, will give me the ability to get a life back again and when that happens, I'll continue to NOT be living for the weekends. I hated living like that before, I hate it now and I'll continue to hate it in months to come. So what am I making a big deal about? Just because everyone else only seems to come alive on Friday evening? I come alive whenever my energy comes to the surface, if it's a Monday afternoon at 3 o clock then it's just as valuable and I should cherish it just as much as when I might feel energized on a Thursday night..

It isn't really a problem and I should be grateful for the days I'm feeling good and not just feel I have to grateful for a Saturday and Sunday.. My life, right now, can't be compared to someone who is doing normal daily things. It isn't like that.. For it's like: Each day.. Eating today, to experience tomorrow.