Stopping a day from starting

It's Sunday, early afternoon. My head is fuzzy and I feel like I've just been on a "weekend-bender".. I feel like I've been snatched away from my life for a week or so, in which I've drank myself stupid every night. But in fact, all I've done, is practically nothing.
Emma and Aiden are here. They got here on Thursday night. Since then I've been occupied, but not too much..
Friday wasn't a busy day at all. I was playing with Aiden for a short while and chatting to Emma. Around lunch time I went back to bed for 2 or 3 hours. Then we went to meet up with Da. I hadn't seen him in a while. We just went for a drink, which lasted for an hour. Afterwards, I stepped outside and I felt drunk. When all I had was a soda water and lime.. Don't you know the feeling you get when you've been in a pub in the afternoon and have had a couple of beers and you step outside and then it suddenly hits you..you're lightheaded and fuzzy..But when you were inside, you didn't feel it. Well, that's how I felt after an hour of just sitting and drinking water. Once we were back home, I went to bed again. I was exhausted. I had to get up at one stage, to have dinner.. Alone.. That night, all we did was sit around and watch a few dvds. Nothing exciting. My mood was okay and I wasn't feeling too guilty about being around people and enjoying myself.

Saturday was a busier day. But I wasn't as tired as Friday so I was able to deal with it. I was up at the usual time, around 8 (this is when I'm fully awake a rested..it's the bodyclock), and went back to bed for a while around lunch time again, for an hour or 2. We went down town then for a couple of hours. I was fairly switched on but now and then Anna was annoying me. She would whisper in my ear, making me feel like I'm doing all the wrong things, when all I wanted to do was treat myself..
For instance.. I was trying on a few pairs of jeans.. oops..wrong move Niamh.. I shouldn't have even considered buying a new pair.. Why not? Well, because I'm getting fatter and fatter, so I won't be able to fit them for much longer, and because I could see myself in a full length mirror and it was disgusting, and because there was simply no point.. What do I need a pair of jeans for if I don't have a life? I don't go anywhere, so what does it matter what I wear. I look hideous anyhow, and I don't fit an eleven-year olds' size anymore. So not a smart move on my behalf, thinking that a new pair of jeans were what I deserved. This goes for buying to do with my appearance.. A winter jacket? I never leave the house, so why would I even bother looking for one? It's too confronting and awful. I'm like a child. Something else about shopping for clothes..whenever I do try on something, it's just to be "active" for 15 minutes and get my appetite going, so I'll deserve some food and be hungry when I get home again.. how stupid and frustrating it all is.. I hate it so much. I used to love fashion. I still do, but I just don't see the point and I look gross anyhow..so if I'm wearing rags or not..what's the difference?? I still look and feel like disgusting. Anna was hating every minute of these 2 hours..I was in constant battle..One minute she'd leave me be myself and the next minute she'd suddenly reappear and want to have her own way. She makes me hate the world and everything about it..

Sometimes this feeling of hatred can get so bad..I hate people, I hate seeing how they live their normal daily lives, I even hate the English language. Every little thing that's said or done is enough for me to want to run as fast as I can and hide away from everyone. I then wan to escape, to scream and do whatever it is I need, to get rid of this awful feeling. But I can't. Because being apart of daily life is staying as normal as possible and ignoring it all and just getting on with it all. That seems so unfair..But that's the reality of it all, that's just life.

After being around the shops, we went home and I, again went back to bed for an hour of 2. We went out for a drink Saturday night. I had been gearing myself up for this all day. Mam had suggested it the night before, I didn't agree straight away, because I just can't let myself.. But the idea grew on me, and it was fine. So I told myself..I'm ignoring all the sh*t going on, the feelings of guilt, hatred and annoyance. I knew Anna would strike again, and probably twice as hard, because I was fighting her so much, but so be it. It was all okay. It was nice to be in a pub, but so loud and I felt so "fragile" and knew what I was doing was wrong... I could feel it all starting to brew. When we got home, I didn't really want to go to bed, because I knew another day was going to start and I felt that I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't want it to happen. But there was nothing I could do stop it. I could have sit up all night long, not letting myself go to sleep, but that would have just putting off the inevitable.

After an awful night sleep, I'm still feeling awful. I don't know in what kind of way I'm feeling awful. But food is making me angry. It's changes my mood, my behaviour and myself constantly and I don't want it to. I don't want anything, I don't want to hear or see anything.. Just because I've had a few good days, I'm paying for it. Not giving in to the guilt will always only postpone it all, and it will feel so much worse in the end, so I probably should have just given in. But I didn't want to. Why is that whenever I'm angry with myself or with the world, or when I'm in a bad mood and want to be alone and just hear nothing but silence around me, that I automatically don't want to eat? I don't know why that is, but it makes me so angry, because that only gives me something extra to feel bad about, along with all the other crap..(excuse my French..). So often I forget that all this is food-related. Sometimes I'm so focused on other things that I forget what it's all about, I forget the source of the problem is food.. This is something else that I don't quite understand.

I hate it all so much and want it to end.. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be left alone..forever..