Manic Monday

I feel absolutely hopeless. A time-waster and a failure. It's all for nothing and nothing has come of it. Nothing is resolved, everything is blocked, nothing has been ventured and therefore nothing has been gained. My own fault, my own stupidity.

For the first time I can see that you only get rewarded if you do the work. If you don't put in the effort, then you'll get nothing in return. That's exactly what's happened.. I sat there like a child. Not really feeling I should be there which I even said to Diann..: "I don't even know why I'm here". I hate it so much. I don't need to go to her anymore. I'm better, I'm fine, I'm eating. What's the point in going to therapy if I have nothing to tell her? I don't have anymore issues.. I think I was angry with everything and everyone, and with myself. With the world. I'm sick of talking about food all the time and about my life and that it's changing and that I've a shiny diamond.. Yeah, we all have it and it should shine. But I don't really care and I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to live a normal life and to have a job. This is so tiring and frustrating and I'm getting no where..

I felt so closed off today with Diann and I didn't really have anything good to say even though I had a lot of good days this week and was aware of what I was doing. The past few days, I've probably been so switched to with the real world, that I put everything relating Anna away (even though she had the control yesterday..but that's fine, I don't really care), and didn't even think twice about my session. Now I hate myself. Because I didn't do well. I didn't say much about the "journey" I'm on, I didn't care. I didn't want to be there. I just saw it as passing through, just a chore to do..: "Let's just get in and get out..and that will be it for another week". But this hour IS my week. My week revolves around it. Maybe I was just too tired. Maybe I was too angry. Maybe Anna was in control and I didn't really care.

I just hate this so much. I'm so frustrated I can't even put it into words. Everyone has a life..What's mine? Nothing, and I won't get it back, if I don't work for it. And today I didn't work for it. I didn't take control of my own life.. For Diann, I'm just another client..just another tortured soul who has food issues.. Nothing new to her. It won't make a difference to her if I'm getting better or not. She won't mind if I do or don't make effort. I'm just another one of those pathetic little people. And now I'm a slacker.. It's awful and I hate it all so much. How can I expect to ever get out of here if I don't put in the work? How can therapy work if the patient doesn't open up? How can it work if the patient sees it all as a waste of time? It can't.. But who cares? Because I certainly don't.

Why don't I care? Because I don't know what else I can do. There's nothing I can do to speed this shit along.. Absolutely nothing.. If I'm have a bad day eating..does it really matter? Because tomorrow is another day, so I can have another shot at it. But if I keep on failing, then I could do more, but that's only through eating, stuffing my face and feeling like a fat pig. But what if I'm eating everything I should. Then there's nothing else. I know so well what I have to do, but I'm just fed up with it all, and I'm bored with it. Dealing with the same shit everyday.. But I'm not allowed to think about getting my life back. Because it will only make want it more and make me more aware of what I'm missing out on and this will make me lonely, sad, frustrated and depressed because I can't even attempt to get any of it, at this moment in time..

I hate what I've become and I hate the life that I'm living.. All my family and friends don't think twice about how lucky they are, to be able to do the things they want. But that's always the way it goes...: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".. And that's so true. Because when I was able to do everything I wanted, I didn't think twice about it either. It was life, it was normal, it was what everybody does..right?.. WRONG!! It's not what everybody does and it's not normal..

Living daily life and doing WHAT you want, WHEN you want, is something everyone should appreciate..If everyone only had the slightest clue has to how small somebody's world can feel and how lonely the world can be..I hear you say "Niamh, it's self-inflicted..you've brought this on yourself, you're paying the price now, just by thinking that being skinny was going to make you happy".. Well, I'm very sorry, but it's probably how you see me, or your image of typical anorexia, but I'm telling you, it's not like that at all. Do you think if I'd have known what was going to happen to me and the road I was heading down and what the real problems I was having, that I would have gotten help sooner? Do you think this is what I wanted? Being restrictive towards myself, when it came to eating, has now led me to living a life that's restricted in every other way, except for eating. How can someone's life change so drastically? How can somebody be expected to just turn everything around at the "drop of a hat" and be fine with it?? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!! Who am I talking to and who's saying all this to me?? I'm saying it to myself.. What's going on? I haven't a notion..all I know is that there 59 calories in the yogurt I eat every morning.

A friend of mine said to me months ago.. "Niamh, you can put on weight you know. You don't have to always eat healthy. You can afford to put on weight because you're so skinny, it's allowed". Okay, so she said "it's allowed". But WHO says I'm allowed to put on weight? WHO says I'm not allowed to put on weight? WHO WHO WHO?? Society? Myself? My family and friends? Who cares if I do or don't put on weight. If I'm alive, isn't that okay? Isn't that what I'm am now? Alive? What more should I want? I could be a real greedy cow, and want as much as possible from life. But then I'm just being spoilt.

I don't have a life..so therefore I don't have anything to say to Diann. There's nothing there, just a moody person who really doesn't want to eat.
I'm sick of being positive and upbeat and everybody knowing what I'm going through and thinking that I'm so strong. When really I'm the weakest person there is. Because a strong person doesn't go to therapy and sit there like a 2 year old saying "I don't know, I just don't know..".. Aiden (my little nephew) would have been better off going, saying "open de auto, open de auto"..his phrase that he repeats constantly..so cute.

There's so much to this life, but my world is so small right now, that I'm not seeing any of it..and by "seeing it" I don't mean it literally.. By "seeing it" I mean "feeling it". The more I switch on to daily life, the more I want it. I've got too much energy, that I don't know what to do with it. Why should Anna get all my attention constantly?? She doesn't deserve it. But she's getting it. Who in their right mind, spends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week indoors, working on themselves to get better and to discover WHO they are and HOW and WHY they ended up going down the wrong road in life? Please let me know, if you know somebody who does this...Because I certainly don't. So is that what's expected of me? I can't possibly do this without going crazy. I need to have a normal conversation with my mates, without feeling tired, drained or moody or like I'm lying to them as well as myself. I want to just enjoy their company.. But it's not going to happen anytime soon.. because I'm stuck here..
I haven't had a normal conversation and laughed and talked nonsense with any of my mates for 4 or 5 months now.. Is it any wonder that I'm going crazy? Is it any wonder that I'm sick of talking about myself and Anna? Is it any wonder that, the only hour a week Anna lets me talk (well, usually she does, but I don't think she was letting me today for some reason) I don't want it all to be about me, or Anna?

Sometimes I would just love to be a fly in the wall of a household with somebody recovering and battling with Anna. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this? But every case is unique. I doubt that there's anybody out there, who has given up a whole life and flown to another country, in order to get better. I could compare my own situation to theirs. This could make me feel worse though... I hate this so much.
Right, Time-out. To be continued....