The story so far - Part 3

Only read this post, if you have read part 2...
I was still sitting with Diann. I had just finished reading the letter and I wasn't on this planet. I sat there, and it was like I had just turned myself inside out and every thought and emotion that I had felt whilst writing the letter and reading it, just came out.. It was like my head was just overflowing, everything was just spilling out, my thoughts weren't only confirmed through writing, but now also through speech. I couldn't stop them, I didn't want to. I wasn't even addressing them to anybody, just to myself, to Fay, but instead of them being inside my head, they were now passing my lips. I didn't care if I was making sense or not because to me, it felt right. My thoughts and worries are my own and who is to say if they make sense or not..

The world didn't stop turning. I didn't curl up and want everything to just stop.

Diann asked me if there were things that shocked me.. Because things can go around in your head, but they don't become real until you write them down or say them outloud. The thing that shocked me the most..even though I've known it for weeks now.. The fact that I was willing to die for Anna.. How did this all of a sudden come to light? I've been able to think back over the past months, and thoughts I once had and chose to block, I can now deal with..

I'll never forget, in July sometime, I was getting into bed, half crippled, aching from head to toe, just skin and bone, looking at my legs that were trying to get me through each day, and I said to myself.. I understand when people say: "I would rather die, than put on weight". The fear of putting on weight was indescribable, and I would preferred to keep on living as I was and starving myself instead of putting on weight and starting to eat properly again. I understand how people let themselves die from this illness.

The longer it goes on, the harder it is to fight. It was all a case of good-timing when it came to me taking on this battle. A person can get so malnourished, that they are mentally not able to see that they have to eat.. I can relate to this 100%. It did shock me that I wrote it in the letter. Even though I've known it for weeks. And it scares me as well..

On Saturday afternoon and evening, all I kept thinking about was how easily I could have given Anna more control and how easy it could have been to give in. It would have been easier.. I sometimes can't get me head around the fact that, a person who loves life so much, was willing for it to end just to stay skinny.. It just goes to show the power of the illness, but it also shows the power that I have and was able to use to turn it all around.

I would sometimes remember, months ago when I first went to see Diann and when I was a little depressed, we would be driving down to Wexford, and I would think how easy it would be, if that truck would just knock me down, and end this whole ordeal and I wouldn't have to deal with getting through the hardest period of my life..because really I didn't want to deal..

I've never said this to anybody, I've never admitted it and it scares me so much, that something so awful can have so much control over someone who loves life..But, back then, I would have been happy for it to end.

Saturday I couldn't shake the grief. Crying for having to break free from Anna, but also for ME..Niamh.. How I put myself through the torture and the damage, but also being in such a bad place in my life and still finding the strength to fight for my life.
It's self-recovery.. I can see that now.. I don't want to over-analyze it too much. Because that will just make myself go insane and it still freaks me out so much..
As I wrote in the letter..I'm still fighting her, she hasn't left yet, but she will..

Sorry..Another Time-out.. To be continued..