The story so far - Part 2

Still sitting with Diann on Monday morning and I was going through the whole week. It came to Saturday. That's when I had the nutty fatty yogurt. Initially I didn't feel bad about it.. But I was still upset and exhausted..

Last week Monday, Diann asked me to write a goodbye letter for Anna. She said she doesn't expect me to do this in real life, I just had to put down on paper, what I would like to say to her. I didn't tell anybody in my posts, during the week. I know what this will make everybody think.. Niamh is better.. I don't want people thinking this, because it only puts pressure on me. So I didn't say anything. It was on my mind all week, but I blocked it out, because just the thoughts of putting down in writing what it would mean to say goodbye to her, was heartbreaking. I had put it off long enough and Saturday afternoon, I wasn't feeling too chirpy, so my mood wasn't going to be ruined by writing it.. I spent ages just typing and crying.. I didn't read back over it..I just let it be, and broke down.

I brought the letter to the session yesterday, and Diann asked me to read it. This was so hard..I hadn't read it back, and I hadn't said any of it outloud, but I needed to hear myself say it.
Now that I've told you that I had to write the letter, I have nothing to hide. But I don't want my fears to come true..That you now thinks it's over..because it's not. I'm trusting in everybody who reads this, not to think that it's over. If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't share this.. but I do trust, so I will share..
This is what I wrote.. This is what I would say to Anna, if she was leaving..

Dear Anna,

I don't know exactly when I said Hello, but now I'm trying to say Good-Bye. This is hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, or maybe just as hard as admitting you had taken over my life. I've being trying to find out why I let you in my life and take control. You were a person I would see on tv, a person I would feel sorry for and have pity on. But I welcomed you on board, because I was convinced you were making me happy. You were making me the person I thought I was meant to be. Skinny and yet so strong and proud. But you weren't somebody to be proud of.. There shouldn't be any pride in having a person like you, rule my life..
But the only person who was proud of me, was you Anna.. You thought I was brilliant, you told me I could concur anything, by having you and supporting you and letting you rule my life. You took over and I let you. But admitting this was so hard and even though I made you proud of me, I felt like a failure. You made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. I gave you everything, but got nothing in return. I gave you my life, I gave you my strength, I gave you my power. Every minute of everyday I devoted to you.. And what did you give me return? Nothing.. I was willing to die for you.. I would have died because of you. And you would have let me. You would have sit back, and enjoyed it. You would have been so happy to see me suffer as much as possible. And I was so willing to make you so happy and proud. But it would never have reached it limits. It would never have been enough for you. When would you have told me to stop? Never..
How dare you? Take so much away from me, without giving me anything in return.. I have never come across anybody thinking they are so worthy of just taking so much and never seeing that they have to give something in return..

I will never forget the day I choose to get rid of you.. It was the 9th of June.. I knew you would hate it, you would hate me so much and I would pay BIG TIME..for trying to get rid of you. And I did.. I was forced to give up everything, my job, my life in Holland, my sisters, my friends..I had to leave everything behind, just to be able to fight you. It must have made you feel great, pushing me just that little bit further, and making my life just a little bit harder. As if you hadn't done enough damage already and taken enough away from, you then had to take away everything else that made me a happy person.. I hated you so much for that..

I knew it wouldn't be easy, letting you go, and fighting you each and every day. I could have given in, but I just didn't think you deserved it. If I wasn't allowed to be happy, then you certainly weren't. So I was ready to kick your boney little ass.. I've been fighting you so hard..fighting against everything you led me to believe was right. I've been fighting you to find out what really makes me happy, fighting you to see just how precious life is, fighting you to find out who I really am, fighting you to learn to love myself unconditionally, fighting you to make myself stronger. Each battle was hell, and the war isn't yet over.. But you will leave shortly..

You did me so wrong, you led me down the wrong path, you educated me wrongly, you lied to me about just about everything. But for somebody who really isn't a very nice person, I've learnt from you. I know you hate me for this, I know you hate the fact that I can see a positive side to all the grief you've caused. Sometimes I care, and other times I don't. You don't deserve for anybody to care or worry about you. The guilt that you make me feel, isn't half a bad as the life you sucked out of me. So if you're trying to still control me, by making me feel guilty, well it isn't going to work..because ignoring you all those months ago when I had to start eating properly was a 100 times harder than the guilt you make me feel. You thought you were so strong, but you're not. If anything, you've only made me a better person by causing all this grief and pain. And I know that will make you angry as well.. But I still don't care.

You're not a nice person, but it isn't in my nature to hate people. Even though I've cursed you so much. You did me so wrong, but I'm grateful. You made me look at my life in whole different way. You've made me appreciate things that I've always taken for granted. You've forced me to look inside and see what's really there, who I am and what I'm capable of. I don't miss the life we had together. I don't cherish the months of isolation and torture and fear. But I cherish what these months have taught me. We argued and battled and you'll be going. I was so scared to think of living a life without you, but I'm strong and am only going to get stronger by fighting you. So I thank you for making me realize just how beautiful world is, how beautiful my family is, how beautiful my life can be and beautiful I am. I will miss fighting you as well, you kept me on my toes, you kept me in touch with my feelings and you gave me a reason to get up each morning. But once you're gone it will just be me. Alone. I'll have to keep myself occupied. I'll focus on myself and my own life and focus on living the life that I've been fighting for.
I'll never forget you though. Because once you're gone, I'll cherish the things you've forced me to see. You'll never control me like you used to. There's no way that I'll ever give you that power again. But I'm a better person for having had you in my life and therefore you'll always be a part of me. I don't regret letting you in, and I won't regret letting you go. I don't hate you, I don't love you. I just hate what you've done but I love what I've become. So I mean it when I say "Thank you".. I mean it when I say "I have to let you go".. I mean it when I say "good-bye"...

xxx

As you can imagine, I don't remember ever feeling as heartbroken as I did when I was reading this. I was dizzy, I was woozy. My voice and my heart, were stopping forcing me to stop saying this, and to stop talking it. But I did it. I cried a river for her, and a river for Fay. When I think back to yesterday, it wasn't me, sitting there, forcing out every word.. After I had finished reading I felt a fuzzy in my head, and inside my chest I felt a pulling sensation. From my stomach up to my heart I felt empty and numb. I was ready to just pass out or just curl up and wait for the world the stop turning..

Time-out.. To be continued..again..