Taste-buds and fleshy bones

Saturday afternoon. Eating has been taken to total different level now.. I'm no longer eating to keep my heart ticking, but I'm eating for nutrition and I'm having to learn a different approach to food than the approach I've had the past weeks and months.

Months ago, food was keeping me out of hospital.. I've built my food-intake up so much, and as little activity as possible, that I've now got some fat on my bones, so I can afford to skip a meal..not that I would, well not like I used to anyhow.. Everybody has reserves and they can skip lunch and be fine eating dinner and not overindulge or faint either.. I think I'm getting there slowly as well. But, if I have to be honest, Thursday I didn't have a proper dinner, after the visit to the dentist, and Friday I felt exhausted, and was so hungry, even after having everything on my daily menu.. That was because I didn't have enough carbohydrates and protein the day before. But 4 weeks ago, I would have felt exhausted and sickly the same night instead of the next day. So I've got some more reserves now and more nutrients, which is good for Fay I suppose.

Where was I..? Yeah, eating has been taken to a different level..
Not only are my reserves being stored, but there are other reasons for me to keep on eating. It's almost like I'm regaining my independence by being able to choose what and when I'm allowed to eat. I'm being let go and trying to find my own strength almost, to be able to feel when I need food and what food is it I want. My body has been training to digest enourmous amounts of food again, over the past months and it's still not how it should be and it will still take some more time, but time is all I have and lots of it and a normal metabolism should be on the cards..somewhere down the line.

Since this week, it's like the training has been taken up a notch.. As well as digesting, I'm now needing to learn to act on different cravings and I'm allowed.. What's the difference to a year ago? Well, back then I would ignore cravings and try to keep them at bay by overeating on safe foods.. I had trained myself to ignore my natural cravings and to only crave my safe foods. It's tricky to explain..
One of my safe foods, was muesli. I would eat this as often as possible and whenever I craved other tastes, salt for instance, I would overindulge, thinking this would cure it. I trained myself to switch off cravings which made it possible for me to resist the forbidden foods that I would dream about. But now, I have to learn to act on cravings. I'm becoming more aware of my need for protein and carbohydrates. If I don't have them, it's like I get a sugar-rush and feel awful.. After I've had either one or both types of food, I feel so much different and better, than when I have a bowl of muesli.. Each time I think I know exactly what's going on, I learn a little bit more..

Realizing that I've got these reserves, and some flesh on my bones, can make me feel awful, but I know, that I could never undo all the good I've done over the past months. I would never ever, go back to starving myself..I can't imagine what I would have to go through to go back to the way I was and to get my weight down again. It nearly seem impossible.. I wouldn't want to either.. I've been feeding and nourishing my body and soul now, for nearly 4 months now, and I wouldn't suck the life out of myself again, the way I did.. I don't want to analyze that too much, because it might make me crazy with guilt, but the reserves I now have, I should cherish. I've regained it, by the resting and the eating. Building reserves is building my physical strength.. And I'm going the right way about doing this, so I'll just keep on going..Nobody can even take away the fat I've gained on bones.. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.. and I don't want to think about it too much... I'm letting go of those thoughts for now..