Traffic jam on the inside..

It's Thursday afternoon. Sitting, as usual, on my backside, behind the computer. I just had my toast, drink and fruit.. I'm so full, I want to explode..
I've been enjoying the toast though, this week. Which is good. Not compared to last week when everyday was a battle..

Yes, wanting to explode..I'm not digesting anything at the moment, and it's driving me insane. I hate it so much and I literally can't eat another bite.. I haven't been to the loo properly since Friday. The time before that was months..so I should be happy, but the food is actually stuck just behind my ribs. At acupuncture yesterday I think Ralph saw the desperation in my eyes.. I NEED TO GET THIS FOOD MOVING!!! I told him me ribs were sore, well that's because it's where your food is "stuck".. oh, it's so uncomfortable and I sometimes feel like if I take a deep breath I'll be sick..I'm afraid to breathe. It's awful. I just need a time-out. This feeling isn't helping me WANT to eat.. Can you imagine.. Feeling so full you might explode and having a stomach the size of a balloon AND forcing yourself to put more strain on your body, having so much energy that you feel you don't need food, feeling like a fat pig but STILL switching off Anna inside my head who's telling me to take a stop eating.. All of this, and still eating. Do you have any idea how disgusting and hard this is right now?

Tuesday night, I thought I wasn't able to walk or sit or lie down or anything, I was that full..last night it was the same, and then it's total "head-wrecker" when I wake up after going to sleep with a mountain of a gut, and I'm hungry but don't want to eat because I'm still so full at the same time..O I hate it I hate it I hate it..

As if it isn't enough for me to have to deal with putting on weight in general, no that's not enough, Niamh, we can make you feel worse and make the eating even harder.. With or without not being able to go to the loo, it feels unnatural for to stuff me face ALL DAY LONG...this just makes it the little bit more unbearable. I can't stop feeling so bad for strain my body is under. I need to give my stomach a rest man..This can't be healthy..

When will it end? Is there an end? Was there ever a beginning? How long can I keep on doing this? When can I draw the line under the whole situation and just go on living again..?
But it isn't that simple. I sometimes compare this whole ordeal to alcoholism. Is there are start and finish-line for alcoholics? I don't think there is. Example: Somebody goes for a night out, or a mad weekend. Drinking every drop of alcohol they can find. Does this mean this person is an alcoholic? No. Example: An alcoholic is drinking water for 4 days solid, nothing else. Does this mean this person isn't an alcoholic anymore? No. Example: Somebody skips lunch and has only half their dinner. Does this make this person anorexic? No. Example: an anorexic is eating a digestive biscuit and wants another, so takes 2. Does this mean this person's no long anorexic? No.

My point is that it's a slow process.. It will take up until the time that I can safely say..when I over-indulge on anything and I don't feel guilty for days afterwards or feel the need to walk for hours to burn calories.. or when I can skip a meal unintentionally and carry on with my day, knowing that the reason I didn't have the meal wasn't because of Anna.

But WHAT am I now? WHERE am I now? I'm recovering, so no longer anorexic? I don't look like her anymore. But I don't know. Maybe because I don't know what lies ahead and I don't know how far I still have to go.. So I therefore don't know what I am and I don't know what will become of me either. But time will reveal all and in months down the line, I will look back to today and I will then see what I can't see right now..