Who's behind the wheel?

It's Wednesday morning. I'm going to acupuncture in an hour. But first some "food for thought.."

Am I being driven by Anna or Fay? What do I choose? What SHOULD I choose? How can I tell the difference? Am I aware of who is driving me each day?

-What do I feel when I'm driven by Anna?
I feel agitated, uneasy and restless. I try to plan the hours and fill them as much as I can. I go around the house, looking for things to do. I have a "frantic" half hour of putting everything in a certain place. I don't let myself do anything "good" until I've done something worthwhile. I won't let myself watch telly until it's time for me to have my potato between 2 and 3 o'clock.. If I watch tv before this time, I feel lazy and feel like a failure. I try to NOT be sitting on the sofa when Mam, Eileen or Sean come home, because they'll think I've been doing nothing all day and they'll think I'm lazy and boring.. When in fact, it's not THEM who think I'm lazy, but it's ME, or more to the point, it's Anna. I always feel the pressure on my legs from walking around the house and in my chest from the "stress" caused by keeping busy.
So, in short, the answer to the question: How do I feel when I'm driven by Anna:
I feel stress.

-What do I feel feel when I'm driven by Fay? I feel calm and at ease but slow and boring at the same time and sometimes lazy and worthless. But the world is "tranquil". I enjoy watching day-time telly, it makes me happy and can even give me butterflies but it's like a flutter in my chest instead of in my stomach (how sad it may seem, but that's just the way it is). I can lie down on sofa with my legs stretched out in front of me and I let myself feel that they are sore but it's fine because I'm resting them and it's making them strong again. I don't frantically feel the need for everything to have it's own spot. I let myself forget about time and just fill the hours in a relaxed state of mind. I'm fine with showing an interest in other peoples lives and I can handle good moods around me. I let myself see clearly and it doesn't matter if I feel guilty for letting myself feel okay because I can switch the guilt off, for a certain amount of time.
So, in short, the answer to the question: How do I feel when I'm driven by Fay?
I feel calm.

I will write when I'm driven by either of them. It's the only thing that I'm always allowed to DO and always allowed to FEEL GOOD about. I'm allowed to be happy with what I've written, the realizations I've made and grateful for whatever steps I've made, be it forwards of backwards.
So feeling good or bad, happy or sad, guilty or not guilty, tired or energized..It doesn't really matter, as long as I'm aware of what it is that's driving me because that's the source of the feelings.

Right, I'm off to see Mr. Acupuncturist in a minute, the taxi will be here shortly and the needles await..