My Energy is for Fay

Channeling my energy and trying not to go back to my old habits.

What is a person supposed to do with so many hours in a day? Is it possible to fill them? Is it possible to know what you're doing isn't a waste of time, even when that's how it looks to others and also how it feels to yourself? How do I fill it, when I don't want to do anything? If I'm feeling down, I don't want to occupy myself..I don't want to watch any more tv, I don't want to read any more books, I'm sick of writing and focusing on Anna, I'm scared to browse on the Internet because I'll come across things that I'll want to do but can't which will make me feel even more down. I would like to do a course.. but I'm scared that I'll be doing it for the wrong reasons and to be "productive"..I'll start something just for the sake of it and it will be a waste..

This feeling comes and goes. I just have to try not focus on it too much and remind myself..I've felt this before and it has passed, so it will pass again. So far, the past months, fighting Anna can be compared to a full-time job. I know a lot you think I'm doing nothing and probably don't understand how I've managed to NOT go crazy, being cooped up the house day in day out. But recovering from anorexia doesn't happen if you don't work for it and fight against it. It isn't effortless and doesn't come naturally. Whenever I'm feeling bad, all my energy goes into fighting Anna, be it with food or emotions. Fighting her can occupy me for hours and it drains me just as much as "hard day at the office" can. Not only the constant eating, rebuilding a new relationship with food, storing energy and caring for myself, but also realizing things and placing them where they're needed to be placed, dealing with it and relating them to my situation, my life or decisions I've made, finding answers from within to the questions that I constantly ask myself, searching for myself again, finding what it is that got me here and figuring out how to get through it, keeping up the strength to keep on going and constantly being aware of what's going on with me as well as just "being me". O yeah-the stage I'm at right now-It's so important for me to save and rebuild the strength in my legs and heart. 2 things that need to be taken care of, because without either, I'm going nowhere.

But now that I've got more energy, a full-time job will slowly become a part-time job. But because I'm breaking old habits, I have to learn what it is I now should do because I'm not allowed to give it to Anna and make her stronger. Whenever Anna is bothering me, she just wants me to be miserable and not do anything with the energy..ONLY if it's active and keeping busy in the wrong ways. This leaves me with a feeling of agitation and frustration and I would just prefer to sit in bed staring into space doing nothing for hours and hours.. She won't let me live a life I want, she won't let me fill a day the way I would want (not that I know how I want to fill my days, but that's besides the point).
Old habits die hard. It's so true. Years you lived according to them, so now they're gone or you need to let them go, but you're not too sure what's left. So what do you do?

It's such a slow process to break away from them. But I can see it so clearly. When I was walking around the shops on Sunday afternoon, I could see it all so clearly, for about 15 minutes.. (Yeah, I was buzzing and feeling all energized and great as I walked around, but 20 minutes later it all started to drain slowly out of me, but that's not what I'm getting at..). As I walked around, I was thinking back to weeks and weeks ago, and then I thought back even further, to months and months ago. I could see how the "barrier" was being built around me. This barrier was weighing me down, the stronger it got, the more it took over my life. A slow process. I could see myself all those months ago, how I lived. Then I looked at myself and how I was weeks ago. I could see how the weight of the barrier had totally run me down in to the ground, breaking me mentally, physically and emotionally. Now I'm at the stage that I have to build myself up again..mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm doing the work and the rebuilding now has to be done in a different way. The new energy is like the key to my new life and with this "new life" come new ways. I can see the process so clearly. It's like Diann said yesterday.."you're building foundations"..or "you're sewing a seed".

I'll get to know what it is I want and I'll adjust my ways of thinking. I know I will and it will save me and set me free from Anna. It will just take time.. It's a journey I'm taking..I don't yet know the destination, but I shouldn't focus on that..it will come to me with time.