"Zoned-out" or "Zoned-in"

Two hugs in one day, what more can I say.... I can't remember the last time that happened to me, the last time I LET it happen to me or the last time I ASKED for it to happen to me. But it was a natural response. A hug from Emma because she has come to visit this weekend and it's been 2 months since I seen her and a hug from Sean because I did some of his homework. I didn't feel guilty for letting them hug me and they both made me feel happy. This was last night, it was Thursday and my day was fine. Fay was in control and I was using my energy in the way I do best these days.. writing. I didn't let myself think about the other things I could be doing with my energy. I did what I felt was right and I felt good about it. It's the only place I feel calm, the only place I know I'm doing good things, the only place that makes me feel like the work I'm doing is benefiting my health, the only place I'm in control in a positive sense of the word, the place I'm learning about me, the place that recognizes the different stage I'm going through.. Right here, this blog, my "lifeline".

This morning, when I woke up, I heard laughter and the sound of little feet on the kitchen floor. It was my little nephew Aiden. He's a year and 8 months and gorgeous. It can be hard having more people in the house than we usually do. Especially with my mood being up and down like a roller coaster. But all the same, it's so nice. It makes me see everything from a total different angle....Sometimes I get so scared that people won't know me anymore, because I feel like I'm changing, I feel like I'm looking at the world differently and then I obsess about not ever being on the same "wave-length" as my family and friends anymore..it's inevitable that going through something like this will change me. Sometimes I feel so alien as well and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like "wandering soul" and like I don't know where I should be to feel like I belong..Sometimes I feel like the only 2 people in the world I can be myself with are Eileen and Sean..they don't expect anything from me, Mam doesn't either but Eileen and Sean don't "test the water" and they don't make me feel like I'm being watched and being worried about and they don't make me feel like a child.. they distance themselves but at the same time are aware of what's going on. Diann told me, that I have to think about this rationally.. Because will it really be the case, that just because I'm not feeling well and my usual self right now, that people won't know me? Of course people will still know me.. I know. I'll just have more depth (again..Diann's words). So with so many fears of little things that usually seem so normal and natural in daily life, it often helps to be pushed into the real world (of which I haven't been a part of for weeks now) to realize that these fears aren't worth the energy.

With Emma and Aiden being here now, my little worries have been "lightened". This morning I felt as if I was being pulled up. I was being coaxed out of my "comfort zone". My "comfort zone" being my own head, my own thoughts and my own world, preferably zoned out from the reality. This isn't the first time I've felt the pulling sensation, but today I was really aware. The strange thing is that when it's happening, my family or friends aren't even doing it intentionally. Nobody realizes that they are literally pulling me up (except my Mam and Eileen who may do it on purpose, which is good and I DO need this) and the "pulling" is through the most normal daily things, like having a conversation...Again..great stuff and I need it.. When I'm being pulled into reality I can see that there's still a world out there and that I will still have the ability to live a normal life all by myself. Sometimes when the pulling gets too much, I need to let go. I choose this myself, and I drop down into my own world again. Other times I'm being let go without me choosing to. When I'm being let go, I can either choose to go back to my comfort zone or do I can choose to stay in with reality and "test the water"...my answer to this, depends on who's in charge..Anna or Fay..

So, as I already said, I felt this pulling sensation this morning. Everybody was awake and there was hustle and bustle around the house. It was nice and I was apart of it. Aiden was pulling me and he didn't even realize what he was doing..I was dragged into this world, but it was nice. Playing with him and not having to pretend anything.. Such a "liberated" feeling. Being myself and being free and being in this normal world. Then..talking with Emma and realizing that she still knows me and that what Diann said is so right.. Just because I'm going through this, doesn't mean that I'm not myself anymore. I realized that I DO belong somewhere and I realized that belonging somewhere doesn't mean that that's your place for the rest of your life. Right here, right now, this is where I belong. I realized that I'm not alien and that the people I love the most, love me as well, unconditionally no matter how much this journey changes me.

I was chatting with Emma and I felt different in a good way. It's hard to describe. I no longer felt withdrawn, isolated or ashamed like I used to feel weeks or even months ago before I openly admitted to having this disorder. Today I felt stronger and I felt that the boundaries were gone. The boundaries that were once between me and every single person that I love and the boundaries that once existed between me and the world. It's hard to put into words..

Today, in the space of 3 or 4 hours.. I was not only being pulled into reality, but I was also seeing that everything is being lifted. This "lifting" comes along with everyone I love becoming more special, because they also have a diamond..

For months I wouldn't let myself show exactly what was going with me. At one stage I had decided that I was going to carry the burden of Anna forever and live an isolated life because I thought there was no way out. But now, I feel like I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. It's the total opposite. It's turned 180 degrees. The main reason for this, is because of this blog. It's the way I've chosen to work through this journey. I've chosen the honest and open road. I've gone from living a "secret life" to living a life to which to world has access..

I never really saw this blog in that light. It makes me feel better and stronger about it all. Because being honest to myself and everyone around me, shows that I can trust and have faith and because I made this possible and I chose the right thing to do when I started this journey in a dark and lost place.. I knew what was right for me and I trusted myself.