Another day - Another say

Another day, meaning another chance. I started off as usual. I didn't experiment with other fruit juices, I didn't have a different breakfast. I stuck to what I'm used to. I wasn't going to rock the boat, like I did yesterday..o yeah, and apples aren't my enemy anymore. But I'm not too sure about the pears.. will have to see how it goes..

I made it through yesterday, thankfully. Throughout the evening, I started to feel a little more normal. But I kept on having these urges to write and to analyze everything and how I was feeling and why I was feeling the way I was and why the day had been so awful. But the instant these thoughts started going round in my head, I had to switch them off, and I had to force myself constantly to think of other things and to keep my occupied with either a book or the the telly. I managed. I knew if I were to sit behind the computer, I would make myself feel worse and set myself up for another break down. I was able, so I left it alone.

I lay on the sofa last night, and I felt physically ill, and my legs were so sore. Mr. Acupuncturist told me to eat 3 banana's a week, which will help the stinging pain to stop. But I don't want to. It's like I'd be taking a medicine and taking medicine is something that will help me get better, but I want to it without medicine. I want to feel the difference in my legs, whenever I'm lying down. I want to notice, without the help of anything, that I'm making myself better, by resting. And it doesn't help that I'm not that big of a fan of the banana. All the fats and stuff, and they make you feel so full.. not nice at all. But I used to enjoy them. Especially dried banana's..hummm, gorgeous, very sweet, but still lovely. So maybe I might have to have one, sometime soon. I would love to have banana on pizza..with salami, pineapple and ham.. My favorite. It sounds like an awful combination, but the sweet and savory is yummy..

I didn't have lasagna for dinner yesterday. I think it's on the cards for today though. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I ate well yesterday, even though I wanted to restrict so badly. I didn't though. I jumbled things around and I didn't count the calories. I don't know if it was a lot or too much or too little that I ate, but I was eating, so that was good. I was eating intuitively... What a word..

Well, it's Friday morning now and a big weekend is starting. My first "big" weekend in months. It's Eileens 21st birthday party tomorrow night, and Emma and Orla are coming over. Haven't seen them for ages, or so it feels. There'll be other family that I haven't seen for ages as well. It might all be a little overwhelming. But if I take it easy, I'll get through it. If there's anything that I've learned from the past 3 weeks, it's that I'm NOT to convince myself that this is all "too good to be true", because that just wrecks my head and makes everything feel like a punishment and too much enjoyment. So I have to let those thoughts go and whenever the guilt rises, I have to ask myself.. "Who is judging me by the amount of enjoyment I'm having?".. The answer will be..nobody. And I also have to tell myself that there are no limits to the amount of fun I'm supposed to be having. Because there aren't.

I'm reading a book at the moment, and there have been a few chapters about an alcoholic is severely depressed. She said at one stage: "The ceiling the presents the pleasure in life is low and the floor of despair is bottomless.." That sounded so familiar, but it's all in the mind. Because the ceiling of pleasure, shouldn't even exist, it should be without a roof..it should be as high as high can be.. and nobody knows what the highest height is, so therefore pleasure should be endless as well.. The mind creates the ceiling and the floor.. Breaking free from them will let me enjoy myself beyond belief, without boundaries and without guilt..
I'm taking each day as it comes, this weekend..