Lasagna & Rose Wine

Yesterday evening, Friday.. very very big indeed.. Lasagna and rose wine.. 2 big big pleasures.. AND Emma and Orla arrived from Holland as well, for Eileen's 21st birthday party, which is tonight. So, all in all, a big day.

I had the lasagna for dinner, for the first time, since June. I will never forget that night I had it last. I was here on holidays, just before everything came to the surface about me and Anna, and I was trying to hide it so I was eating everything that was put in front of me. Ma made lasagna, or more to the point, she bought a frozen one and stuck it in the oven. It was so delicious that I had a second plate.. Nobody seen that I had taken some more so when Ma went over to the cooker, she was astonished that all the lasagna had gone.. And then I had to "own up" to eating it. I'll never forget how awful I felt, for having eaten more than Anna would allow me to. I felt like a failure towards Ma and Anna. I remember worrying that Ma would probably think of me as a disgusting fat pig. Of course she didn't think that of me, but I thought that of myself. Since then, I've steered clear of pasta dishes and garlic bread.

Last night, I didn't over-think my "reunion" with the lasagna. I wasn't worrying about it all day. Ma asked, just before dinnertime, if I was having something else. I said that I was going to have the same as the rest. It was lasagna day. I didn't have a large piece, it was actually quite small. It was fine it was fine it was fine.. No major problems. I had it with some salad and 4 pieces of garlic bread.

Diann said that, when I'm eating it, I should try to be really present. So not worrying about what it's going to do to me and cutting out the visions I'd have about the greasy sauce clogging my arteries and making my hips all mushy. I wasn't to worry about the feeling I might have afterwards and forget the guilt. So that's what I did. I tried my best. And it was fine. I enjoyed it so so much. I didn't overdo it on the garlic bread. Only 1 piece was big, the other 3 were pretty small, so that made me feel better.

After dinner, there was still some garlic bread left.. It started jumping up at me... shouting: "Eat me, eat me..you know you want to..go on..you can have me..I'm here..I'm tasty and delicious".. But I resisted because I was full and I knew if I were to have 1 more piece, it would soon be another and then another.. Instead, I hid the leftovers in the microwave and was so happy to throw it in the bin a few hours later. The rest of the evening I was feeling really really bloated. My stomach was swollen, but I wasn't all THAT full.

I started to get hungry around 08.30. But I ignored it. Because it was a day, that I was going to make just one more step and I didn't want to wreck my head by overdoing it, food-wise. Around 9 o'clock, sitting on the sofa, with Orla, Emma, Eileen and Ma, everyone started drinking. I knew this was going to be the weekend, for alcohol again. But I didn't mind, because I'd be gearing myself up for it.

I was fighting with myself whether or not have a glass of rose wine. June was probably the last time I had a glass (I've had some whiskey since then, but not my favorite delicious drink..hummmm). I had to break the ice, or at least just have a taste of it, before Eileen's party. I was cautious that I otherwise might go totally overboard. So I decided to take the step.

I told myself over and over again..: "Me and Anna are fine.. Drinking rose wine doesn't mean I'm cured.. Nobody expects me to be anything other than myself.. There's nobody judging me.. There are no boundaries as to how much enjoyment I'm allowed to have.."
Round and round these thoughts were going in my head. I was also trying to be aware if I wasn't pushing myself, by being in a good mood and chatting. I was doing the exact amount of talking, eating and drinking that I could physically and mentally cope with.

I don't have to feel awful, I don't have to break down. If I'm feeling fine, then that's what I reflect to the outside world. I wasn't feeling guilty when I was drinking it. But I did notice, that I would have easily given in, and had the whole bottle, instead of just the 2 glasses. It had been so long since I had had a glass, that all these memories came flooding back, once I took that first sip. I drank so much of the rose the 6 months leading to up the whole "Anna explosion".. I was suddenly back in Holland, drinking and partying. It was so vivid that I could even feel the awful feelings I felt back them. I could recall them so easily. But it didn't make me upset or feel depressed. The memories were just there, and that was fine, as long as they stay memories and I don't have to relive them and I don't have to block them. If anything, it showed me that I must be so much healthier now, to be able to feel how awful and lifeless I felt back then. The difference is immense.

I sat there drinking this rose wine. I was weary that I might want to restrict myself the following day, which is today. I worried that I wouldn't let myself have breakfast, because of all the empty calories in the wine. But I had to constantly tell myself, that I'll need every ounce of energy to get through this weekend, with a clear mind and with as little clouds as possible. If I eat as much healthy good foods as possible then that will only help me to feel okay when enjoying myself. My mind wouldn't be as foggy and clogged up. If I were to restrict myself, then I wouldn't be getting enough calories and I wouldn't be mentally strong enough to fight the guilt that might arise.

It can be so complicated, but so logical at the same time.. It was a big day yesterday, but again, I got through it.