The conclusion of Friday

It's STILL Saturday morning.. or afternoon already.. But Friday is on my mind. Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling a little better around 4 o'clock. So me and Orla and little Enya decided to go up town. Just to the supermarket and to the only proper clothes shop they have here in Axel.. Deto Jeans.

Anyhow, all was okay. I knew that I didn't have be anything other than me around Orla and Emma. They know the drill. I know the drill. No expectations. But still, I pushed myself. Orla told me, if I wanted to go home, just to say. But oh no.. just like not wanting to sit down in the airport while we were waiting to board the plane..too subborn to admit that I wasn't feeling good. The thing is, I wanted to feel good. But wanting and actually being something are two totally different things. It's so hard and frustrating..

We were out for an hour and a half. In the clothes shop I ended up sitting down on a small table in one of the changing rooms, just to regain some energy to get me back home. I don't know why I couldn't just say the dreaded words: "I want to go home.." Probably because I didn't want to. But I had to.

Back in Orla's, Arno asked me how I was. I was on the verge of tears. But I didn't show them. I wasn't allowed to think about how awful I really felt. They wouldn't have thought any less of me if I had broken down, but I wouldn't let myself. And then I was soooo grateful that Orla cooked my dinner. Walking to the car in town and being overtaken by an 80 year-old woman carrying heavy shopping bags, all I could think about was my bed back in Orla's. In the car I was thinking about my bed back in Arklow. If Orla wouldn't have been so good as to cook the dinner, I wouldn't have eaten. I would have gone to bed and more than likely I wouldn't have gotten up. I needed my dinner so badly. Orla didn't fuss, she just asked me how I usually cook the salmon and veggies.. she got on with it and within 20 minutes I was eating. The salmon with veggies and rice. I didn't even think about the portion size of the rice. I didn't care, I just needed food and rest. I enjoyed it so much.

I didn't move off the couch for the rest of the evening. My body was aching and my back was sore. If I did get up, it was only to go to the loo.. slowly. I wasn't allowed to beat myself up, for overdoing it again. I couldn't keep on doing that. What's done is done.. end of. Dwelling and worrying would only make it worse. And I was in no fit state to make myself feel that way. I had a digestive biscuit last night. I could have felt fat and disgusting but I didn't have the energy to worry about it. I just needed to rest.

Around 11 I went to bed and I actually asked myself.. Is my body going to crumble and fall apart. The level of exhaustion was totally different from the night before or from Sunday last week. I knew it would take me ages to get over it. Everything would have to be at a snailspace.. Drink would have to be a minimum.. Walking would also have to be a little as possible.. Sleep sleep sleep... I even thought to myself: Is this what it feels like to be on downhill slope and to know that you're never ever going to get better or get your strength back? I was so worried, because my heart rate was different again.. But, just like Thursday night, I knew that I would feel better in the morning.
I had a better nightsleep and this morning I felt more rested again. What sleep can do to a body, is unreal..