My dear friends

Friday afternoon I couldn't decide whether or not to meet up with 4 riends of mine, Natasja, Jorien, Wendy and Janneke. Even though I felt so awful, I knew if I just pushed myself a little, I would be able to make it. I'd get there and the happiness I'd feel by seeing them all, would give me natural buzz to get through an hour of being with them. But in saying that, it doesn't sound like the best way to go about things. If I would have met up with them, I'd have been exhausted afterwards and Saturday would be a day for recuperating..

Friday was supposed to that day..the day to get over the journey. So I texted them, letting them know, I wouldn't be meeting them today. I felt so awful and like a proper failure. But either way I wouldn't have been happy with myself. Because doing good or bad, can both send my head into turmoil. Therefore it's better to choose the right thing, with taking Fay into account and without taking the turmoil in head into account.

If I would have met up with them, even if it were for an hour, I wouldn't have been able to fully be aware of everything going on around me. I wouldn't have been able to express my enthusiasm and interest in their lives. I wouldn't have had the energy. Guilt wouldn't have played a part. If only it was the guilt tormenting me, it would have been easier because I can turn off to that, but feeling drained is something I can't turn off.

When I see them, I want to properly hear everything their saying and properly hear about their lives. I don't want to sit there like a zombie and feel lifeless and like a loser for not acting the way I so badly want to.

I can imagine it's so hard for anybody to understand how it feels. Because it's not just like being tired after working 8 hours and then cycling 10 or 15 kilometres. Some people might think.. We can just drink some tea and don't have to do anything, or put Niamh on a chair when she gets tired..If only it were that simple. Being around too many people can cause me set up the guard inside my head and to zone out, in order to get myself through a "stressfull" few hours..."stress" as in..not being in my comfort-zone. If this happens or not, it all depends on how tired I am and the surroundings I'm in. At home, a lot has to happen for me to zone-out. But in the open-air, sometimes nothing has to happen for me to automatically zone-out. Come to of it, this could have happened on Thursday during the journey and my first night back in Axel.

Seeing my friends again, would make me see just how drained I still am. It's hard enough being around family and seeing and hearing about their lives, without having the grief of hearing and seeing how my friends are all living too. It may sound awful and I may sound resentful but I'm not. Really I'm not. I want nothing more than for them all to be as happy as they can be. But I want to be able to feel their happiness too. I know they don't expect me to be on top of the world, right now, but that's how I want to be..on top of the world... and I'm not, so it frustrates me.

Meeting up with the 5 of us, would be too much. So I've said that I'll meet up with Natasja on Monday. She has just had a baby, 3 weeks ago and she's my priority. The 5 of us together, would mean that I would have to spread myself around.. and I don't want that. Natasja has just been through the most important time of her life, and I want to hear PROPERLY about it all.. That's why I have to make a choice, no matter how bad I felt. Once I'd made up my mind, the pressure fell of my shoulders. It was so nice and I enjoyed it. I instantly felt a little stronger. Suddenly feeling better of course made me think that I might have been able to meet up with them, afterall, but that's just me going round and round in circles and overthinking and analyzing everything..
I can't wait to see Natasja's little baby on Monday.. I'll have rested enough, which is what I plan to do on Sunday.. I hate the word plan, it scares the life out of me.. but planning to rest, isn't a stressful situation..