Endless gratitude - The great session

The shortest week but probably one of the clearest since the start. Yesterday morning I went to Diann, and I knew that after last week, this one was going to be great and the easiest session to date. My predictions were right. There wasn't a big build up, there wasn't any anger that I needed to release, there weren't any questions I needed answering. All I needed was a way to get all the great things happening to me, out in the open. They needed to be said, for them to feel more real and I needed to hear myself saying them without being plagued by guilt for everything feeling so good. One of a few weeks, without any tears, and if there were tears, they were tears of joy.

By the way..writing today, will probably feel awful, because I know it's going to be good..it's almost like a "guilty pleasure". But I don't care.

On Wednesday, last week, after acupuncture, I felt so good. Well, after having a nap in the afternoon. In the evening I felt so light and everything was so clear. Thursday morning, I was feeling the same. Friday morning I was grateful for absolutely everything. I was overwhelmed with love for everything..love for life that I cannot describe. It lasted for days. But the frustrating thing about having so much goodness going on inside, was that I had no way of getting it out in the world. How do you express your love for life? By living.. But I'm living, I'm breathing, I'm eating, I'm feeling, I'm communicating, I'm going through the motions and as Diann said last week..embracing the things that happen to you, can show your passion for just living. I can't put into words how good it felt.. Or, come to think of it:..a feeling of natural ecstasy.. (not that I would know from experience..but I can only imagine), a feeling that I could concur anything and it would be fine, a feeling that I'm not getting older but I'm getting stronger and therefore younger. Just feeling blessed about everything that has happened, not only the past year, but my whole life. This continued over the course of the week.

Friday morning it was gratitude that I was feeling the most. It can be so overpowering, but in a way that words will never be enough to show how grateful I am for everything. How can you tell life that you're thankful for everything that's been thrown at you? There's just no way to say. You could show your gratitude to life by embracing it, but still it can feel like it's not enough. Gratitude towards my family..Another tricky one. How will I ever be able to tell my Mam and family how grateful I am for everything they have done for me? I can thank them a million times, but it would never be enough..not in a million years. Even though it's me who's doing the work, I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for them, especially my Mam. That's something I'm 100% sure of. Actions speak louder than words, but neither will ever be enough..

I've spent most of my life being grateful and thanking people for everything. Mostly because I wouldn't feel I was worth the bother or the effort.. I would think: Why would somebody go through so much effort for me? I wouldn't want to burden people or put people out. I didn't feel I deserved it. Sometimes I would even be grateful for people being my friend.. As if they are doing me a favour by hanging out with me. That's how insignificant I would feel. I know now, that to myself, I shouldn't be insignificant. If I'm insignificant to others, what does it matter?
There are always things is life to be grateful for, no matter how hard it can be. Seeing that there is always some treasure to be grateful for, even if it's your warm bed at night or for the day to finally end, it can make the big problems seem less. So gratitude isn't a bad feeling, it's good and makes you appreciate things so much more.
I've always been grateful, but mainly because other people were more important than me and I didn't feel I was deserving of anything because of me being insignificant. But last week, I was feeling a whole different kind of gratitude. It had me flying..

On Wednesday Mr. Acupuncturist gave me different herbs. They have worked wonders, to say the least. They were to get my bowels moving and if this were to happen, it would also make me feel energized. Well, a miracle happened on Saturday.. I went to the toilet TWICE!! I know it's not the nicest subject, but it made a huge difference over the weekend. Saturday was the first day, in probably over a year, that I instantly felt properly energized, nourished, strong and healthy after my visits to the toilet. The energized feel I could describe it as "full", but not as in "I've eaten too much", but a full figure, in a good way. I feel my back is filling out and toning up again and it's making me feel so strong. My whole core is stronger, my head was clear and I was eating..

Saturday I had so much energy on the inside, but to look at me you wouldn't have thought it. My legs were still weak and I was still slow and taking it easy, but I was full of beans. It was the first time, I could actually feel the effects the food is having on me and feeling so fit, I could also suddenly feel the effects NOT eating had on me. It's been well over a year since I felt so full of life and it's all down to the food.

I took away the food, slowly but surely. My body became used to feeling lifeless and I was living on my reserves. My body adjusted and I thought I was feeling fit and healthy. It's only NOW, by feeling so full of good life, that I can see what I had taken away from myself by not eating. It was a glorious feeling. Saturday I was still pacing myself, doing some work on the computer and scrap-booking, nothing out of the ordinary, but nothing was ordinary on the inside. Everything was extraordinary.. But maybe it will become normal, because is this how it feels to feel full of life when someone eats properly? If this is normal, then I want more. If this was peek at how I could feel forever, then I can't wait..

There will soon be no more restraints. I will soon be able to do things that 8 months ago, I would have wanted to do but others would have called me crazy for even thinking I could do these things, seeing my weight was so low. For instance, I've thought about running a marathon.. a year ago I wouldn't have been able and I never thought I would be able to again, because I wanted to stay 38 kilo's forever. I didn't see a way of getting back my strength and staying skinny. I didn't see there was a possibility for me to get to the root of the problem and go through the pain and heartache to get my energy back and to gain weight, no matter how badly I wanted it deep down. But now, I see there is an end, I don't when, but I'm getting there and I won't have to think twice about running a marathon or jumping out of plane or joining the gym. Nothing will be forever out of my reach. The journey back to full health seemed too far away and too much to deal with, that I had secretly settled for a life of restrictions and restraints. I thought that was it. I might have thought I had made peace with not living as I wanted to, because I continued to focus on being skinny. But eventually it did get the better of me and I did come to realize that I needed to come clean.

This was the only time during the session, that I choked up, but for good reason.. Who would have thought this journey would have been so painful yet so brilliant..all at once..
To be continued..