Weightless issues - The great session

The story of the diamond continues to unravel itself..

Weeks ago, Diann said to me.. "Niamh, you should try and see the diamond in yourself and each person you meet on while doing your daily things.." Now, I don't get out of the house much, so I wasn't going to meet a lot of people. But I tried to see the diamond in the dentist (even when he is drilling and hammering and grinding at my teeth and gums), I tried to see the diamond in the shopkeeper (even though she couldn't speak a word of English and was so arrogant to even say "hello"), and I tried to see the diamond in myself (even though I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror).. I was focused on this assignment and whilst doing so, I started looking back to the start of this journey. I remember I started this blog and, on occasions, I would feel upbeat, positive and great about who I was and what I was doing and the progress I was making. These moments would be only moments. They wouldn't last and I never knew why they were only so brief.. The moments stopped as soon as they started and I'd instantly feel the doom and gloom again, that I constantly felt back then.

The past weeks, I've only started to see what these moments meant and what they were.. They were moments that my diamond was shining. I didn't know back then that it was in there, even though it was a subject Diann constantly spoke to me about. I remember not knowing how I would be able to get it to shine again. I didn't know that my shiny diamond was my self-worth and that through my self-esteem I could project my diamond to the world. I didn't believe I had self-worth or a diamond. I thought self-esteem was something I would never have again. But suddenly I saw what that feeling was. As the months have passed and things got harder and harder and gradually easier and easier, my diamond started to shine more.

During the week, I realized how unimportant weight is, when on the inside everything is so great and feels so good. Self-esteem can soar if you know that your diamond is working and shining as it should do. If someone is so happy within themselves, because of the diamond and the ability to express oneself which provides the confidence needed to thrive on life, then what does it matter if someone has chubby cheeks and a layer covering the potential abs.. Because it doesn't matter.. Food does give me the life, but at the same time, it doesn't have to rule..

I look in the mirror and I've been feeling fine. I talk myself into believing that I'm not fat and that I like what I see. It's like an exercise I have started putting myself through, a few times a week. Walking around in my underwear, and not avoiding the mirror but trying to see what's real. This week I haven't felt bad about what I've been seeing. By seeing that my bones are disappearing, Anna hasn't been triggered. This was one of Diann's concerns.. that if I were to get obsessed with trying to see what has expanded, I might then want to cut down on the food again. This week, this wasn't the case.
If I look and I see an elephant, I try to see the diamond and then everything is okay again.. not taking into consideration just how hard it is to fight out those feelings of fattening myself up, intentionally.. But the more time that passes, the easier it should become.. To be continued..