Friday evening 14-11-08

The past few days I've been eating intuitively. That word "intuitively" seems to be going round and round in my mind all day long..the same thing, over and over again. I'm sick to death of it, but that's just how I have to eat. I have no other word to use, other than "acting on the hunger" and that's a bit of mouthful, not literally, but just a figure of speech.

Last night, for the first time in months, I gave in to the voice in my head that was telling me not have a piece of garlic bread. I would always go to my ears on garlic bread, whenever I would be in restaurant for dinner or at home having it with lasagne. It would be my all time favorite. But I stopped eating it months ago, because once I start I can't stopped. I didn't ever want to give in to enjoying the mixture of soft white bread, warm on the inside and slightly brown on the top, with melted butter and garlic herbs...huummm. I had my dinner last night, noodles with chicken and vegetables. Afterwards there was some garlic bread left that Mam and Sean didn't finish, who had lasangne for dinner. So I ate it. I stayed strong for all of 10 minutes. Once I felt that I was restricting myself, I knew I had to have it. So I had the last 2 little pieces.. That was all that was left. I was clearing up after the dinner and eating it at the same time..this to me is a sure sign of a pig in the making..walking around, stuffing myself even when I'm not hungry and knowing that once I had finished those 2 pieces of garlic bread that I would be dieing for more. And I was of course. But it was gone. Giving into a craving that is so delicious, would only make me want more. I felt awful afterwards, I was close to tears and hated myself for having it. I felt so stuffed, absolutely disgusting. I couldn't hardly move afterwards..I was that full. I instantly said to myself, I'm not eating until tomorrow now. But once I had said that to myself, I was restricting again, so I knew I had to have it and not give Anna any strength. I had a biscuit within a half an hour of eating the bread..overeating like there's no tomorrow which again made me feel even worse than I already was. I had my drink aswell at half 9. In the end, I didn't restrict no matter much I wanted to.

This morning when I woke up, I had forgotten about the 2 slices of garlic bread. It was a new day, so I had start a fresh.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I've been missing a supplement drink each morning. Instead of the drink I would have a bowl of yogurt with half an apple, some watermelon and dried fruit. It's absolutely delicious.. I've been enjoying it so much. I thought that I would be overdoing it on the yogurt, seeing as though I have yogurt for breakfast as well, so for those 3 days I've had muesli with soya milk instead of yogurt for breakfast, just trying my best to keep the balance and to stop myself from feeling anxious about eating the right and the wrong things. It was wrecking my head. That's how my intuitively eating has been going. I've been constantly thinking about what else I could have instead.. But I haven't really wanted anything and I sometimes am sick of thinking and worrying about what I'm eating and if I'm getting enough calories to keep on putting on weight and to keep the recovery going steady.

I was feeling strong the past 3 days. Feeling good about what I've been eating, except for the garlic bread.. Today I wanted to give myself a break, so I've just had my normal food-plan which feels safe because I'm eating as much as I should and not experimenting. My only worry with the intuitively eating, is that for me to eat when I'm hungry means that I'm not eating as much as I would do on days that I eat according to my food-plan. If I feel satisfied, then isn't that ok? If I'm not hungry anymore and I haven't been restricting, then surely I'm doing ok.. It's so hard to know sometimes.

At night I've been feeling sickly at times, fragile and yuck. I don't know why.. But I don't start to feel it, until I sit down.. but that's always the way, when you keep on going and doing things, you never really stop to see how you're feeling.. So it probably isn't all that strange. I'm sick of food for now and sick of analyzing.. fuzzy and tired..the sofa is calling my name...