Thinking too much

Thursday afternoon, still with Mr. Acupuncturist on my mind, I slightly over did it. He told me to start pushing to the boundaries. I think I did. I wanted to go to bed, but instead I went down town with Mam. Basically because it was one of few chances I have to get out the house. I knew that it would be too much, but I didn't care.

We were out for a couple of hours. When we were back home, I made dinner, and then went on the computer. I had be going for hours and hours, without taking a breather. I went to bed, for a lie-down and listened to some music, and I was so tired and so emotional. I don't know what came over me. As I listened to the music I could feel so much being released. I haven't cried like that for a week or 2. I didn't want to stop and I felt heart-broken again, like I did after I wrote the good-bye letter to Anna. Time heals a broken heart, is what they say.. And time will make my longing for Anna less and longing for Fay more.

It can be so much at times. I would be thinking about daily things, nothing in particular and that would keep me occupied for hours and I'd forget about all my worries and suddenly everything would come rushing back to me and I'd instantly feel like a loser for not having thought about Anna for so many hours. My mind then becomes jumbled because I suddenly realize that there's still so much I need to do. I shouldn't do this to myself, I'm know full well, but I sometimes can feel like I haven't suffered enough. Whenever this kicks in, the whole cycle of not deserving to be happy and feeling fine, gets stronger too, followed by "there's nothing wrong anymore, I'm fine and I have to go work".. That's Anna still gripping to me, by the skin of her teeth she's trying to hold on. The more I ignore her and shake her off, the better everything will get.

Mr. Acupuncturist did say something that I should take on-board. He said I should see Anna as my friend. Whenever anybody asks me how I'm doing.. I should be able to say.. "Me and Anna are doing fine".. It's all about taking more credit for what I've been through, well according to him anyhow.. Not until this is over, I shouldn't separate myself from Anna, not if it stops me from being proud of how far I've come and how good I'm feeling. Maybe I shouldn't only be proud of how far I've come, but also proud that it happened in the first place. Isn't pride the opposite to shame.. not too sure about that.. but I'm not ashamed of Anna, so therefore maybe I could be proud.. I don't know if that's wise, it might just make her stronger, and not in a good way. I don't know. I'm over-analyzing as usual.
Right now, I'm just sick of it all and I hate them both.