A game of tennis

A tennis-court with a tennis-ball being hit back and forth, back and forth. Constantly, over and over again. Sometimes the ball is being played at high speed, other times it's at a slower pace. When the game is over and when the score is set, there's no more ball being played. There's nothing more to look at, there's nothing more to focus on.. all has stopped and there's only the tennis-court. Nothing more, nothing less. The tennis-ball, is like my thoughts. The tennis-court is me. I'm not the tennis-ball being played. I'm therefore not my thoughts. I'm just the space where my thoughts are being fed. But I can distance myself from my thoughts. I can make them stop. The game doesn't have to be ongoing. The ball can stop as can my thoughts. The ball can be taken away from the tennis-court as can my thoughts.

A tennis-court can seem insignificant, when there isn't a game being played. What's the purpose of the court? The tennis-court is just there. It has no purpose, it just IS. There is no action, there is just quietness. As the court without a tennis-ball, I am without thoughts. That makes me become aware of my consciousness. It makes me aware that my thoughts are me and they don't possess me, they don't own me. Being aware of my thoughts and of myself, seeing them as separate, brings me to that quiet place. It's that place where all is well and good. A place where time isn't an issue. When the game isn't being played, or the thoughts aren't being thought, then there are no worries about the outcome and length of the game or there are no worries about the time, space and destination of my life.

Distancing myself from my thoughts and worries and becoming aware that I'm thinking means I can make the worrying stop. I can make the stress go away. I can let everything take the course it's meant to take and I can go to that happy place, inside. That's the only space, at this moment in time, where I can keep on going on the right track, in order to get through this. Once I leave this place, I seem to become the tennis-ball again. I start to see and identify myself as my thoughts. But this doesn't give me freedom, this doesn't give me the life I long for so much.

The thoughts that I've been having over the past week, take a grip and I become muddled, confused and focused on all the things that make me do wrong by myself. The things that I would use in order to project myself to the outside world. All the wrong things and they are all encouraged by Anna. Once I forget I'm the court, I loose focus of what's really important. Because time isn't important. But when I'm the ball, I want time to my friend but it becomes my enemy. Whenever I go to my happy place, nothing else is important, just living, breathing and being. Whether I'm lonely or not. Whether I'm busy or not. Whether I'm traveling or not. Whether I'm skinny or not. None of these things matter.

I start to think I'm my thoughts and in order to be my thoughts, I have to follow my thoughts through. I have to make them happen. If they don't happen, I worry. I worry then about the months to come. Worrying means fear of what might or might not happen. Fear means I'm trying to predict the future. This is impossible. I can't control it, by holding on to my thoughts and being driven by Anna and trying to make everything happen exactly the way I want it to. It's impossible. It's causing stress and pressure for no reason. The stress won't effect the outcome, it's going to happen one way or another.

By telling myself over and over again that I am not my worries, fears and thoughts, I'll know who it is I am and I'll be able to trust myself to know that where I am is the right place and what I'm doing is the right thing. If I continue to listen and to feel, then I'll know when the time is right and I'll know when I want to leave and not when I SHOULD leave. I'll know where I want to go and not where I SHOULD go. There's a huge difference. "Should" means "mus"t and "must" triggers visions of Anna standing above me with a whip, forcing me through life. That's not freedom, that sounds more like a prison. Being trapped inside my own body, just because thoughts possessed me and I therefore thought that was me.

I know that was wrong and I know what's right. I know I can get to that place again. I know how to get there. But if I tell myself it can only last for so long, then it WILL only last for so long. Because Anna will never to pleased and she'll forever try to get her claws into me. If I keep giving her strength by getting lost again and forgetting about my happy place, she has a hold on me and she doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over me. And she'll never have enough power and will never be happy..she won't be pleased if I'm eating, if I'm laughing, if I'm sleeping, if I'm resting, if I'm happy, if I'm caring for myself. I will never fully be doing the right thing by her and she'll continue to try and grip me with every ounce she has. She'll go to massive lengths to make me miserable in whatever way she can. And she'll continue to do so, until she's totally gone. If she has my thoughts, it strengthens her. Because Fay becomes trapped again. So I'm not going to let her control me by putting bad thoughts into my head. What's the point? She'll never have the control over me, the way she once had. So why tease her with a little the mind-games. It's pointless.

This was what Diann was talking to me about yesterday. It's only now that I can see, what Diann saw yesterday. I couldn't see it and maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I was just distraught and tired of being in my happy place and I thought I would get my freedom back by giving in to my fears. But that wasn't the case. It makes sense now and I can see how it all fits again.. Diann is a star...