I'm just not bothered

It's Wednesday evening. And the past 2 days I've been drained.

Last night and the night before that, just before going to sleep, I'd be so tired, that I'd feel a floating sensation and I'd have little bursts of adrenaline running through and I'd be dizzy, all at the same time. I would be full of life but so happy to feel exhausted at the same time. Feeling so drained, makes me happier because it means I deserve to sleep and that's good. If I'm not happy, I'm not allowed to sleep. But the past 2 nights, it's the strangest feeling, I can't hardly explain. Sometimes I'd have pressure in my chest and I'd feeling a buzzing nervousness going through me. Just before nodding off, I'd try to ask myself a certain question hoping that I'll be able to influence my dreams.. thinking that maybe everything will become clear in my sleep. But, to my knowledge, it doesn't work. Not for me anyhow.

The answers haven't been coming to me, and come to think of it, I don't even know the questions. I don't really know that much. I don't feel like I know anything. I don't know the questions so I definitely don't know the answers. I'm empty and just want quiet. Maybe being isolated will make me think of questions and get me worrying again and give me purpose. It might make me feel alive again. At the moment all I want is rest, silence, isolation...that's nothing. All I want is nothing. Where this has come from, I have no idea. I'm lifeless and really couldn't care less. It doesn't bother. It just makes me wonder where it has come from.. Maybe it was the acupuncture this afternoon, maybe it was the session with Diann that's only now starting to effect in the right way. But I don't know if it's the right way, because I feel so bad for it. I feel awful because of it.

I feel so bad for not worrying. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel bad for not questioning everything I do. I feel bad for not being able to enjoy the silence in my head. It feels so wrong, but if I dig deep enough, I know it all okay and that it's exactly what I need.

If someone where to give me a ticket to South-America, at this very moment, I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't feel tempted, I wouldn't care...

I can't believe I just wrote that. That isn't ME at all. It just goes to show, how far I am from being my normal self. But when I come to think of it, I don't really know what my normal self is, anymore. Because she left me, so long ago, and now she's being built up again. What if I don't like her, what if nobody wants to know me anymore, once I come out of this..
Oops...did you see what just happened there.. did you see how sneakily Anna just came in by trying to make me think that everyone will end up hating me for not having her in my life anymore.. That's so annoying when that happens.. it's beyond my control, at that very instant, when all I'm doing is letting my fingers type my thoughts. A few seconds is all it takes, for 1 thought to become the worrying next thought and for me to type it and then realize who typed it and why..

It can be so hard. I'm just tired of it all. I'm scared to do anything at the moment. I don't want to overdo it. I can't overwhelm myself by getting too distracted by things on telly or by people and positive things around. So what am I supposed to do? Just curl up in a ball forever and let life pass me by? That would probably be the easiest way. Then I wouldn't have to think so much. I could give myself a break. I wouldn't hate myself for doing or not doing certain things. I wouldn't need to worry. I wouldn't need to do anything, just lie there. But isn't that what I've been doing the past 5 months? I can't remember ever been bored, I can't hardly remember anything.. All I can see when I think back, is this site, food, Diann and my ceiling. That's it. So why don't I care? And why wouldn't I jump on a plane if I had the chance? What's wrong with me? Aren't I better? Who knows. How can I ever expect anybody to understand me, when I don't even understand me myself? Maybe I do, but I just want to and I'm ignoring it all.

I can't plan ahead. I was doing that all last week, and it ended up causing havoc. So I can't go there. I can never imagine me ever having a normal life again. It feels so out of reach. It might never happen. Having fun with friends, enjoying a drink, going to a nightclub, being happy after a good day's work, hopping on a plane without any doubts of not being capable. It all seems like things that are so far out of my league, that if I were to take all that on right now, I'd drown. I'd be a goner. Maybe that's why I wouldn't jump on a plane to South-America right now, if I had the chance. The funny thing is, and I'm repeating myself again, I don't care that I'm not capable of anything right now. I probably wouldn't even flinch if the house were to fall down around me..the only thing that might phase me would be if the computer broke down or the fridge was empty..

Again, I can't believe I just wrote that..I WOULD care if I didn't have any food.. well, that's proof enough to me.. If that's more important to me, than the house falling down, that means I'm choosing to have my life back..it should only be a matter of time, before I'll say yes to that plane ticket to South-America..
This sense of "not giving a damn" is the craziest feeling in the world..