Huummm.. beer...

I'm pleased to say that I've, yet again, gotten through another weekend without going crazy for a party. I can miss it so so much.

The feeling wasn't that bad this weekend. On some weekends it can make me go insane, the thought that the whole world is partying, except for me. I really can feel so sorry for myself at times, when I know I shouldn't. It's not important, and there are plenty of party nights awaiting me. Maybe they aren't top of list anymore.. Maybe I've lost the taste for it.. Maybe I don't want booze anymore.. Maybe I like the feeling of not abusing my body.. Maybe I don't want to feel out of control anymore.. Maybe I've learned to contain myself and I won't feel the need to drink myself stupid anytime I even smell alcohol. Over the past weeks I've been looking at photo's and most of them are of me holding a bottle of beer. And I look at it, and it just appeals to me so much. I can almost taste the beer, just by seeing it in the photo. But at the same time, as I see a bottle of beer I can instantly feel the hangover and exhaustion that follows in the morning.

I haven't had a drink for weeks, maybe even months. To be exact, since the middle of August I've had 1 shot of whiskey. It might sound like I'm fighting a different addiction, when I put it like that, but it can still be a big thing. I remember how I used to be with drink before I came back to Ireland. I was awful and looking back now, it was almost repulsive. The abuse I put myself through and I intentionally did it, as often as I could. If I would have been able, I would have partied every night. Back then, I wasn't eating properly, so the drink was effecting me more than it otherwise would have done.

The past week, I've had visions of the "morning after the night before". Whenever I had been drinking I'd lie on my sofa all day, if I didn't have to work. I wouldn't eat, because I had drank too much "empty calories" the night before. All I would do, was drink at least 4 or 5 liters of green tea to get all the alcohol out of my system. I wasn't physically able to do anything all day, because I hadn't eaten. Even a phone-conversation was too much. But that was fine, because I had had a great night and I was just punishing myself..trying to find the balance I suppose. How lifeless I felt was unreal but only natural considering my state of health back then.

Sometimes I think it might be good to just never drink again. But if I enjoy it so much, then I should need to have some now and then, to keep the craving at bay, just like having some chocolate on occasion as well. Now I've gotten to the stage, where I'm not sure I'll be able to stop drinking if I start.. But no, that's not true. Of course I'll be able to stop. I don't have a problem with drink, it's the food that's the issue and I'm not going to talk myself into having a problem either. Now I'm just babbling on, and making no sense at all.
It doesn't have to be a big deal. I'm just still getting over the restrictions I had myself under. I had, as by magic, cast a spell over me, making myself believe that alcohol should also become a "forbidden pleasure"..just like chocolate. I've overcome the chocolate, so alcohol should also be do-able.

Signing off now..not that I was intending on talking about alcohol..but it was obviously playing on my mind..