Living with the frenemy

Sometimes I don't see how it happened so quickly. I'm possessed by food, once again, just like everybody else. That's me, I'm normal, I eat, I feel hunger, I enjoy food. My insides will be full of food for the rest of my life.

I will never forget the feeling of emptiness in my stomach, I had nearly constantly. I loved it so much. Now all I feel is a big football in my gut. My frame needs so much more strength just to be able to keep my gut in place. I bend down and my stomach falls and I feel the food inside. It's awful and a bad bad thought and an even worse feeling.

As I lie on my side and my stomach falls to one side. So bad, it's just full and it feels so wrong. I look and feel like a pig but still I'm feeling hungry. My digestive system is out of whack and my metabolism is working at high speed. I have to turn off my mind to prevent me from going insane.

As I still lie on my side, my knees aren't able to rest on top of each other, because it's bone on bone and it hurts. The proportions are all wrong and everything is out of balance. If I can go to the toilet or not, it makes no difference because I've managed to store a layer of fat. My stomach will always be there and it will always haunt me.

As I still lie on my side, I want to feel my hip, the one that I'm lying on, but my stomach is smothering it. My hip is buried underneath a layer of fat. The panic I feel when I realized that it had gone, was like a hot sensation in my chest and all could said outloud was: "oh no, oh no, oh no". For a second I wanted to cry. But I got my mind back into gear and I settled the uneasiness that I felt. The same feeling of panic arose when I realized that the bone in my lower back no longer sticks out when I stand up. I can only feel that bone now, when I'm sitting down.

As I still lie on my side, I decide that I feel better for lying on my back, because then I can still see my hips sticking out and I can still feel the bone in my lower back digging into the mattress.

As I still lie on my side, my ribs are no longer inclined to overlap each other and hurt like hell. Now I have more fat covering them, so they have more stability and more coziness. It will only get worse as I pile on the weight.

Whether I lie on my back or on my side, it feels awful, but it doesn't stop me from eating. Why can't I do that no more? It's because I'm possessed. Food has now got a hold on me and I can no longer live without it. Food has suddenly given me a strong back and full cheeks. Food has filled out my core. Food has taken over everything, my whole life.. My life now depends on food and my life depends on me learning to eat everyday with or without feeling bad about it. Without food I have no life. My day revolves around it. My body wants it all the time. My brain tells me to make a pig out of myself. My brain tells me I'm fat. My brain tells me that wanting food should make me weak. But the more I eat, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the more strength I want. I can only get more strength by eating, non-stop. But will it ever stop? This feeling of fatness, this feeling of weakness, this feeling of emptiness and fullness all at the same time?

Am I being punished for what I have done? Will my life ever stop revolving around food? Will I ever feel fine about the layer of fat that I've unwillingly created? Will people despise me now that I'm bigger? Will I forever tell myself that I didn't make myself ill enough and should I have aimed to weigh 29 kilo's?

Food has got me in it's grip.. How did it happen so fast.. Why did it have to happen.. When will it stop..
I go to bed to either escape from the urges I get to stuff my face or I go to bed to make my next mealtime come quicker. It killing time..that's all I'm doing. Everyday it's a question of killing as much time as possible to get through to the next meal and to get through to the next day so I can do it all over again...constantly living from meal to meal, planning it, dreaming about it, enjoying it and feeling awful. That's it, all day long..

As another day ends, another will begin. I'll walk up to bed, with breakfast on my mind. I get out of bed as soon as I'm awake, because I've been waiting so many hours through the night. I sometimes can't sleep for wanting breakfast to come. Going to bed isn't to rest, it's a chore, it's killing time.. my breakfast is downstairs in the fridge. It's waiting for me and I want it so bad. But I so strong, that I don't get up in the middle of night to eat it.
Is food now my friend or is food now my enemy.. It's both at the moment..I enjoy it so much, but it's for that reason I hate it.. it's my frenemy.