Just a chat

I'm so grateful right now, but I'm not too sure for what.. Just for everything I suppose. For the weather being awful, for the cup of tea I'm drinking, for having a good sleep last night, for feeling drained but fine, for the book I was reading this morning, for the new book I bought yesterday, for my cozy warm bed, for this blog.. The list could be endless. It's all too good to be true. But the funny thing is, it is true and it is good, so there's nothing really that funny about it.

Today is going to be the day to eat on intuition. So whenever I'm hungry I'm going to eat whatever it is I want. I've been thinking about it all morning. I don't know what to have though. Maybe more milk or yogurt..maybe a panini.. maybe a whole loaf of bread.. maybe a smoothie. The options are endless. I can have it all if I wanted. What a free feeling.

I had a dream last that I was standing on the weighing scales. I stood on it, but was so scared. It was late at night, which means I'm even more scared because I would have spent the whole day eating. I was above 50 kilo's. So I started going mad. I was convinced there was something wrong with the scales. So I stood on it again but then in the morning time, which means I would have been 1 or 2 kilos lighter, and I was above 60 kilo's!!! It wasn't a dream, but more like a nightmare. I woke up and was so relieved that it wasn't true.
It just tells me that it's playing on my mind.. What number could it be? I would love to know my weight. I think I would be feeling fine with it. I reckon I'm 46 now.. That's just a guess really..

I've been reading other stories about girls recovering and some of them go for months and months without weighing themselves. The last time I was weighed was at the doctor's office, on the 23rd of September.. I was 36 then. That was 6 weeks ago. So now, I'm definitely mid 40's..
When a daily diet is increased by a certain amount of calories for a certain amount of time and the body has gotten used to this, a steady weight-gain is usually 1 to 1.5 kilo's a week..

But really, what does it matter? I shouldn't care. I probably don't anymore. Only on bad days I'd care.. Maybe it would be wise to weigh myself, just to prevent me getting a massive shock if I put it off for another 2 months..
It could be the next hurdle to overcome...: Weighing myself and knowing I'm putting on weight, but feeling fine about the number that pops up on the scale and still eating and resting in order for the weight-gain to continue.

I know for a fact that if I wasn't gaining weight, I'd be panicking. Because I know that that's what has to happen to totally get through this. I know that a healthy body, isn't 35 kilo's. And isn't that what I'm aiming for? A healthy body with a healthy weight. Without that, I'm going nowhere.. So it has to be done. Knowing this in itself, is a pretty big.

I still fit my jeans, that are non-stretch and for a ten-year old. I can feel that they are getting a little tighter around my hips, but they still fit. Not for much longer though and that means that I'll be able to go shopping again and buy clothes that will still fit me in 3 and 4 months time..

I went to acupuncture on Wednesday. It was fine. He didn't tell me I was glowing or anything like that, thankfully. I went in prepared, to hear the "worst".. But we just talked in general about how I was doing. My energy levels are still pretty low, and they don't seem to be changing, even though it can be tricky to feel if I've got more energy or not, because I'm resting so much. But, then again, I'm resting because I'm tired, so that probably says that my I'm still zapped and drained. I haven't been to the toilet for nearly 2 weeks either. This could be making me so tired as well and being slightly sleep-deprived doesn't help either. Just about every morning I'd wake up at around 5 o'clock..sometimes I can be back to sleep for an hour, other times I can't. So all these factors are keeping me from feeling physically energized. If I don't have the energy to do much, then it will take longer for me to get back on my feet. As everyone knows, doing things or light exercise gives you a boost and makes you feel perkier.. But without the strength to start doing a normal "dose" of daily activity, without needing a nap afterwards, will only prolong everything... and all the food will get stuck to my enourmous hips..

Mr. Acupuncturist gave me different herbs that will get my bowls moving, which will hopefully make me feel less drained. They will also help me sleep and still strengthen my spleen (which is only slowly starting to do it job again) and also lighten my mood.. I wasn't too happy about that of the side-effects to be honest, because it sounds like a light dose of anti-depressants. But he reassured me that they aren't or else I wouldn't take them. I like to know that if I'm feeling good, that's its caused by myself and by medication. That way I'll know that I'm making progress and I won't need to rely on anything else.
I started taking them Wednesday, and maybe that's why I'm so grateful about everything today.. could it be the herbs? Well I hope not.. I hope it's just me, feeling on top of things.

1 thing I'm 100% sure about is that I've got all this energy bubbling away inside but I have no way of using it. I could be described as an energy saving device, which I suppose is good. Hopefully the herbs will kick in, over the next few days.

I had a different dream last night as well.. I dreamt that my boss from work came to the house for coffee. She wanted to see me and talk about how things were going. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back to work until after Christmas and she replied: "You can recover properly Niamh, under one condition.. you have to give your 150% when you come back to work, if not, you're coming back asap!!" I woke up, worried that she was going to contact me. I felt so bad, because I kind of know that I'm not going back..

The whole work situation, comes back to haunt me and make me feel guilty every couple of days. It's so annoying. It kicks in when I've been having good and positive days..Just to remind me that I could be getting myself into big trouble because I'm feeling so good. I know exactly why it haunts me and then I have to spend the whole morning convincing myself of the truth and the reality of it all..which is that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, even I was in Holland right now.. I'm entitled to still be on sick-leave.. I'm not lying to them.. And anyhow, It's only a company.. Do they really care if I go back or not? I'm just a number to them.. this isn't even a joke. When I would be sitting behind a computer, working away, sometimes a colleague would shout across the top of the computer screens.."Where's 10272?".. That would be my cue.. That's my number.. There are 180 people working there, in that location alone, and throughout the whole of Holland, 1300 people. So they don't care about me, or my health or if I come back or not.. and to be honest, I never really felt that I was that good at that job anyhow, even though they did give me a permanent contract.. I have to switch it all off.. I have to let it go..I'm NOT going to give myself even more "worry-wrinkles" than I've already given myself by worrying about them, they don't deserve my wrinkles.. ;)

Glad to get all that of my (slightly growing) chest...