Talking the thoughts

On Wednesday afternoon I think I actually spoke about me for the first time, in conversation with Mam. It just happened, and it slightly threw me.

I was looking up some information on yoga classes on the internet on Wednesday morning. I told Mam that I was interested in starting to practice it again. It was the first time, I openly spoke about something I was interested in. It was like I was owning up or opening up about my desire to get better and to start doing daily things and to take a step in getting back on track again.

I started doing yoga in Australia, but for the wrong reasons. I did it to be strong, lean and burn calories. But I loved it. I stopped doing it, when I first started to go to Diann in July. It would always make me feel so good and energized. I spoke to Diann about it last week and she said that I could give it a go, take a class and see if it's too much for me or not. If I listen to my body, I'll know soon enough if I'm taking on too much or not. I'm still trying to find out where I can take some classes.. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I want to start it again, from scratch..learning from scratch and taking a different approach to it. So if I do start it again, it will be because it I enjoy it and because it energizes me and not because I'm burning calories..

I used to do it obsessively, every morning, for 20 minutes. I would sometimes get up at 6 o'clock in the morning, if I had to be in work at 8, just to do the 20 minutes of yoga. I would also stand on my head for 5 minutes afterwards.. That feels so good as well, but I was doing all this and seeing it as a chore. If I didn't do them, I wouldn't be allowed to eat an orange in the morning.. This was all so wrong. But starting a fresh would be a good idea I think..

Talking about this to Mam wasn't the only thing I suddenly spoke about. I also told her at some point during the week, that I hadn't been to the toilet for weeks. This, like the yoga, also felt like I was owning up to my physical state of being. Saying outloud that it was bothering me, was a big thing.

It might sound like something so minor, but when you take into consideration that for months I wouldn't dare let something that's bothering me, or something that's playing on my mind or something that I really want to do, pass my lips except to Diann, then it's a big step.

It shows that I'm slowly feeling less guilty about getting stronger. It shows that, even if I were to feel guilty, it isn't as overpowering as it used to be. It shows that I'll let myself openly express my thoughts again. It shows that I'll let myself enjoy the simple things in life and that I'll be able to be honest about it.

Over the past months, it's all been going on inside my head. Everything so good and so positive and dreams so exciting.. But I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody about them, except to Diann. I wondered for weeks and weeks, and even worried, that I would never be able to enjoy things without guilt or I wouldn't be able to talk about thing I love so much like I used to be able to.

However, saying these 2 things during the week to Mam, was proof to me that in time I'll be wanting to express myself through speech, hobbies, clothes, hair, dance, music, writing... or to put in short, I'll want to express myself in every sense of the word and I'll feel good about it.