Listening for the Tummy-Rumble

It's Saturday afternoon and I'm so tired. Yesterday I might have over-exerted myself a little.

I was just pottering about the house, but might have been standing for an hour or so, without sitting down, and think that took it out of me.. My legs have been aching all through the night and all morning.

By 8 o'clock last night I was on the sofa, feeling that kind of tiredness that makes you feel dizzy and sick. I was so hungry as well. Maybe because the day had been longer than usual and I had been more active than usual too even though I went to bed for an hour during the day.. I don't really know where the exhaustion and hunger came from. I sat on the couch and I was thinking about whether or not to eat something extra. But I wasn't too sure if I was getting mixed up with my hunger and exhaustion. I felt like I needed to either sleep or eat.. I had to do something to make myself feel better. I didn't want to go to bed, but I didn't want to eat either.. I was almost enjoying feeling so shit.

During the day, I had eaten everything I was supposed to eat. So I sat there, thinking.."what should I have?".. I just didn't know what to eat.. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. At one stage it was after 10. I knew the longer I put off the eating, the harder it would be to not eat, which would mean I would end up eating anyhow but feel more guilt for eating so late. I cracked at 10.45 pm.. But all I had was a 60 calorie muesli bar. That's it. I couldn't bring myself to have something that I really wanted. Because I didn't know what to have..

I knew as I sat there on the sofa, that it would have been the best time for me to challenge Anna, and to act on the hunger. I should have pushed myself.. It wouldn't have felt good, but it would have been the right thing to do.. As I've been told so many times over the past months.. "Choosing the RIGHT option, doesn't always means it's the EASIEST option".. And there's so much truth in that. But what can I say? I chose the easy way last night, I chose the safe option, by having something I have everyday. I chose not to properly listen to what I was in the mood for. The muesli bar was safe. But, in saying that, I didn't feel guilty for having it, which I usually would have done. Because eating so late, is a reason in itself to feel fat and disgusting..right? Wrong.. I didn't feel fat and disgusting.. I went to bed an hour or 2 later and had forgotten all about it. So that was probably a small step.

Today I feel so tired, that I'm relaxed and don't feel the need to do anything around the house or to get active in any way. I got up this morning, thinking I might get a taxi down town. But once I was up and I felt how weak my legs are and how fuzzy my head feels, still tired from yesterday I reckon, I soon put that idea out of my head. I would only walk around, with my head in the clouds thinking of my bed. I feel like I've done so much yesterday that today I deserve to sit and watch dvds or bad daytime telly, even though the sun is shining..

Now, if I feel the need to do something constructive..it will be to challenge Anna...Which means..Obeying my hunger, for the first time, this week.
I took a card from the deck this morning. It told me: "I need to take healthy risks and I have to let go of my fear of failure and success..I have to live my life fully so that I can start experiencing all the wonderful parts of my journey".
I thought that was a sign that I need to take a risk and eat something forbidden.. Something just to make this journey a little bit more exciting or a little bit more bumpy than it already is..

So, The big question.. What do I want to have?? There are a few options I have been weighing up.. Either I could make a smoothie, with proper yogurt and rice and fruit..It would be like rice pudding..delicious.. full of goodness as well.. Or I could have a small toasted pancake with cheese, melted under the grill.. Uhhmmm..

The smoothie, might mean I'd overdo it on the dairy, for today..So maybe I'll make that either tomorrow or Monday.. I can think some more about it. But now, I'm going to go for the small pancake..There's only 79 calories in one..not fats and not a lot of sugar..with a some low low cheese (thanks mam, for buying those..).

Right, I've just taken it from under the grill..I'm not going to inspect it and I'm not going to think about the fats in the low low cheese slices.. I'm just going to enjoy it. Oh my god..that is so tasty.. It's typical American really..toasted pancakes..you could compare them to a crumpet, but not as thick. It's the sweet and the savoury, that make it's so yummy. What a treat.

In Holland they have these "egg-cakes". My Mam goes mad for them. You can't get them here in Ireland. But whenever she's back to Holland, so eats them toasted with a slice of melted cheese. The egg-cakes are real spongy and are sweet, just like the small pancakes. This reminds me of them. When I was living in Holland, if I were to have an egg-cake with cheese, I would have it as part of my dinner. But now it's different. It's not my lunch, it's not my dinner.. I don't know what it is.. But it doesn't need a label of course.. maybe only a label: DELICIOUS. I'm not labeling it anything else because I'm not supposed to be compensating one food for the other.. I'm supposed to be following my instincts..Whatever food, whenever I like.. that's so hard to grasp..

Anyhow.. I'm fine eating this small pancake with cheese.. I've got a cup of green tea as well, of course.. Just to make myself feel a little better.
Thats my good deed done for today..Is time to go to bed yet??..oh no, it's only 01.30 in the afternoon...