Maximum Over-drive Part II

...O, this is so so difficult and I hate it so much. The whole week, all I did was keep busy. But I thought I was doing so well. The rest of Wednesday I rested.

Thursday I went shopping with Mam and was out and about for 2 or 3 hours, I came back, thought I was doing good, but broke down and cried for an hour or so and felt nauseous, heartbroken and felt I was never going to be able to do anything without feeling so yuck. But if I kept on doing nothing, I was never going to get better..or so Mr. Acupuncturist told me (not in so many words, but I reckon that's what he wanted me to believe). My mood was good, but I was distraught. Friday, all I wanted to do, was recover from my little outing on Thursday, so I was in bed all afternoon, reading and resting. I felt fine and not at all guilty, because I was going to the movies on Friday night. So I would still have done something active and some resting.. best of both worlds.

Saturday was total different level of activeness. I haven't had a day like that in ages. It was going to a easy day, or so I told myself when I woke up. I was trying to figure out if I was feeling energized and full of beans or not. But I didn't know if I was or if I was just pushing myself too far. It didn't help that I was sick to death of thinking about food either. I had to get out and about and I did. It turned out to be a day full of "excitement"...

First of all, I got a text from Sandra that her Ma and Da are coming over from Oz this week, which means we'll be seeing them when we go over to Holland in 2 weeks time. That was sooo cool. I was so excited. Then I spontaneously went down town and popped into Julie (Mam's dear friend) and chatted for quite a while. It was so nice, to be able to do that, without feeling guilty or tired. I wanted to have a chat and I was feeling fine about it. I ended up being out for longer than planned.

It was still Saturday morning and I had also owned up to Mam, that I wanted to colour my hair.. Something I haven't done for over 6 months. This is a sure sign of Niamh nearly being better..I knew exactly what Mam was thinking..or maybe it was just me thinking that. Saying outloud that I want to do something regarding my appearance, was HUGE.. It may sound like the smallest thing, but to me it was far from it. I shouldn't be allowed to care about how I look. Because wanting to look good, is bad for Anna and good for Fay and that's why I haven't been able to say it for so many months.

I had taken the plunge and bought a colour for my hair. It was only 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. and the amount of positiveness and goodness going on around me and inside me, was nearly too much to bare. I was exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon on the sofa and again, felt sickly. I was waiting for all the energy to kick in again. I thought it did, by dinnertime and then the phone went.. It was my uncle Thomas from America on the phone.. Well, I hadn't spoken to him for years and years.. Mam wasn't home, so I ended up chatting to him for ages. It was great and funny and I was feeling fine.. no guilt and all was well in my little world revolving around the kitchen table. While I was still chatting and laughing on the phone to Thomas, one of Eileen's friends came to the door to pick something up and said to me: "Niamh, you're looking so great, you really are, I meant to say it to you last night". She added that another of Eileen's friends had said the same. I thanked her, and genuinely meant it.. and I was still chatting happily to Thomas. I got off the phone and was ready to collapse. But I didn't, because I had to keep on pushing the barrier, as Mr. Acupuncturist told me..

To most of you, this isn't really a big day. It would probably sound like a nice, chilled out Saturday afternoon. Well, to me, it was the biggest day I've had in ages. Once I sat down, after dinner, I was feeling nauseous again, from being so active. I never feel sick when I'm actually doing things, but it's not until I sit down that it hits me.

Sunday I had to chill. The only thing I did was go for my first 10 minute walk around the block and did no more.. or actually I did.. I wouldn't let myself sit down and rest. I had to stay active, and use the buzz I had. But, come to think of it, I don't know if I actually had a buzz inside. So I was probably doing everything for the wrong reasons. I told myself that it wasn't Anna who was driving me all day, but it was Fay, because I was feeling good. But looking back, I'm not too sure. Maybe I did want to do it all and feel excitement about everything, but my body doesn't seem to be coping too well with this inner drive I've got.

Yesterday as I sat, I didn't even tell Diann half of what went on. She knew and said instantly that she could see it was Anna that was at work. She said if I push myself, to the point of only stopping because I'm feeling sick, then I'm overdoing it and I'm not ready for the world. It's too much. She said she doesn't care what other people say and that she believes I burnt out ever cell in my body, energy-wise and the beans I feel on the inside, need to refuel my organs and every fiber in my body, before I'm able to deal with daily activeness. It's not instant and just because I've felt good for 2 weeks running and have felt nice and bubbling inside, doesn't mean that I'm ready to concur the world. I'm not there..not by a long shot. These were Diann's words. All I did was cry and think about how much I still have to do the next few months.. Then the worries and thoughts started to spill...