Maximun Over-drive Part I

Tuesday, my day. The one I look forward to the most. The start of a new week and a chance to be alone.. just me, the computer and my thoughts.

My session with Diann yesterday, was one that I needed badly. I didn't even realize it. I didn't feel the build up, I didn't think about it during the week. I even got to a point that I had convinced myself I didn't need anymore therapy. I thought it was going to be a wasted journey, going to see Diann, a waste of money and a waste of time. Sure, I was doing so well, and I was feeling so fine.. so I was cured.. wasn't I? How wrong could I have been.

This week was the hardest I've had, in a while. I say that now, but it probably wasn't at all. It probably just feels so bad, because 2 and 3 weeks ago I was doing brilliant. A week ago, I was on such a high and so overwhelmed by feeling so great inside, so clear, so happy, and so energized. Diann said to me weeks ago, that she was worried that once my energy does start to come back, it will take me such a surprise that I'll be blown away. That's kind of what's been happening over the course of the last week and yesterday, as I sat with Diann it all came to a head.

Even thinking back on it all, is giving me a spontaneous headache and dizziness. Last night it was the same, as I lay in bed, I felt so much pressure. I had totally over done it. In every which way possible.
I'd better start at the beginning, or else I won't be able to make any sense of anything. I need to clear it all up.

Last Tuesday I started the day by writing and I was still extremely high on life, loving every little thing and loving the feeling of clarity that had been an ongoing for days, at that point. But I had said a few times, to Diann and on my blog.. "it's all too good to be true". This was setting myself up for a break-down. Telling myself that it isn't all true and that I'm living in a fantasy world, means I'll never let that great feeling last, because I've convinced myself it isn't real.
That was Anna talking..She was still gripping on to me, trying her best to control me, anyway she can.

I knew on Tuesday morning, after all the writing, that it would break me down. And it did. 2 remarks, from Eileen and Mam, in the space of an hour, broke me down. I was back in bed at 4 in the afternoon and I don't remember getting up again, only to eat. At 4 o'clock the day only half way over.. I still had so many hours to go, but I didn't want to get through them. I wanted the day to end, but there were too many hours to kill. I wanted to start a fresh, because that day in particular had been ruined. I was so angry with them both. But Anna wouldn't let me speak my mind. I wasn't allowed to say to Mam what I thought of what she said. And I wouldn't even dream of saying to Eileen that I resented her for the remark she made, even if Anna would have let me.

The remarks that were made, weren't really that bad. But they insinuated that they think I'm doing better than I am. It was proof enough to me, on this awful awful Tuesday, that everyone thinks I'm better, when I'm not. Eileen hasn't been "tuned-in" to the steps I've been going through, whilst fighting Anna. She takes it as it comes, doesn't judge me and lets me be in whatever mood I'm in. She knows not to ask me how I'm feeling or to talk about future plans. Because I can't. Tuesday she asked me if I had to eat anything extra this week. I tried to explain that I'm eating whatever and whenever I like, preferably as often as I can. But I couldn't explain it, for it make any sense to her. So I ended up saying: "I'm allowed to eat anything I like". Well, to anybody, wouldn't that sound like I'm cured and healthy and I should be leaving soon and working and going back to Holland or traveling or whatever it is I should be doing. But there was this huge barrier that took a stand the moment she asked if I'm eating anything extra this week. I felt awful instantly. Not only because I couldn't explain it properly, but also because of not explaining it, she must think I'm better. But I'm not, and it isn't as simple as that. It was like getting a punch in the face. Poor Eileen, didn't know what was going on inside, when she asked. I just had to block it all out and didn't make a big deal, but on the inside I wasn't a happy chappy..

Then Mam came home, telling me in the most happiest way possible, that the doctor wanted Diann's number.. because a girl had come into the surgery with an eating disorder. Mam said it as though I was supposed to be happy about it and that I was able to deal with hearing about other girls' pain and heartache. This was proof to me, again, that Mam thought I was stronger and more positive than I actually was and therefore..nearly back to full health and should be getting my life back again.. This comment was like another slap in the mouth. I didn't feel compassion for the girl who went in to the doctor. All I felt was envious. I wanted to be back in the same position as she was. I wanted to be skinny like I was back in June. I wanted it sooo badly and I didn't want to be making anymore progress. I wanted to do damage..

These 2 remarks, put me to bed and I was miserable. Cried and cried. I didn't stop eating though. No matter how strongly I felt about wanting to be a proper anorexic, I had to eat. That took every ounce of strength for me to do. But I did it and felt awful whilst doing it. I was proper doom and gloom the rest of the night. Spent it in bed, wishing the hours away. Being around anybody just made me feel even worse, because I became more aware of the grip Anna had on me and the control she had over my mood when I really didn't want her to. But I couldn't help it. Being around anybody would just make me even more upset and more down. It was awful. I had so much anger and had no way of getting rid of it.

Instead I bottled it all up. The next morning, Wednesday, I still wasn't the chirpiest. Started the day, as I had ended the previous one: in tears. I went to acupuncture and that released some of the stress I was feeling. But it didn't help when he started pushing me into being more active, whenever I feel good on the inside. This just made me more driven to get back on top of things. It wrecked with my head. But the anger from Tuesday evening had gone.. or so I thought.

I bottled it up, and yesterday it was the first thing that made me breakdown, when I was with Diann. Those 2 remarks.. But they weren't intentional. Nobody meant to hurt me. The people around me deal with what I'm going through in their own way. I'm dealing with it myself, in my own way. I have to learn to accept that is as they are and make peace with it, because I'm the only it effects by taking other peoples' way of dealing with things, on board. It effects nobody else. I take it to heart, when really I shouldn't. Accepting things as they are, without trying to change them, will make it all so much easier for myself. I shouldn't make other people's issues, my own. If I accept, I instantly make peace with it and that gives me space to see things as they really are... or so Diann says. I know what she means and that's what I've been trying to do for months and months, but because it was such an issue for me, it was sooner or later going to overload...

To be continued...