Midday on a Monday

It's Monday morning. Usually I would be going to see Diann now, but my appointment isn't until tomorrow night, because Mam is in Holland for a long weekend.
I'm feeling fine. I can wait until tomorrow, I won't explode and I'm just taking it easy.

Seeing as though Mam isn't here, running the house has kind of become my job. Okay, we're all "adults" so it shouldn't really have to come down to me..well, Sean being 14 is on his way to being an adult, and Eileen, well she's nearly 21 so she should be classed as one, even though she doesn't act like one half the time, but that's besides the point. I've taken over Mams job, which means I feel like I'm constantly picking up after everybody. I can't stand living in a mess, so I just get on with it. I'm tired now, because I've been at it for around an hour now.. Even though I've been taking it easy, doing the washing, cleaning up and stuff, I'm still exhausted. Maybe I have been overdoing it, but it's all been for the right reasons. It's because I don't want Mam coming home to a mess, because that would piss me off too.

I just sat down now, behind the computer, and it's only me now, I feel slightly sick, fragile and shaky, for being busy. But if someone were to see what I was to see me keeping busy, I wouldn't look like I'm overdoing it at all. Maybe I just feel the pressure of everything being put down to me, to keep things in "order"..

I'm hungry and I'm drinking my supplement, but it's not filling me at all.

You know when you feel so hungry, that you can't eat fast enough, to feel full again..that's what I'm experiencing now. But if I drink my drink too fast, then it will hit my stomach in 20 minutes time and I'll feel full and more disgusting than I feel constantly. I still have to eat something extra before I go to see Diann tomorrow night. I prefer to do when nobody is around. Sean is in school and Eileen is in bed. So I've been trying to decide what to have. But can't quite make up my mind..

Last night and Saturday night, I was starving again.. I was counting down the hours till it was time to go to bed, which made the evenings go on forever. I wanted them to end as quickly as possible, because that would mean that I wouldn't eat too much before going to sleep. I know this was wrong and I probably should have had larger portions at dinnertime, but when I'm full, I'm full. And after dinner I'm full.

Last night I was finished dinner at 7 and had a digestive biscuit at 8 and my drink at 9. I was hungry and my stomach was rumbling. I should have made a choice..either I should have went to bed as soon as I was tired which would have made breakfast time come faster.. or I should have obeyed my hunger and ate something which wouldn't have made me count down the hours until it was time to go to bed and the evening wouldn't have dragged on for what felt like forever. But I didn't do either. I just watched a movie and felt my stomach rumbling, I held onto my fat belly telling myself that I had to wait until breakfast time before eating again. So in the space of 5 hours, I had a biscuit and a supplement drink. This made me feel good, because I ate less food than my body needed. I know it's so bad, but I couldn't help it.

My legs were back to normal yesterday, after all the resting and lying down I did on Friday night and all day Saturday.. So I feel I'm back on track..leg-wise. But I have to save them now again for another while, even though I'm tempted to wear them out again.. It can be so annoying..when I don't know what to do, even though I've got lots of things to keep my mind occupied..

I'm munching on my apple now. It's so nice. I'm ahead of my food-plan today, like never before.. It's only 12 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm already halfway through my "menu"..This could get tricky.. It might mean I'll be overeating.. I'll see how it goes, but it's nicer to eat when I'm empty than to eat when I'm full (which is usually how I feel when I'm eating).

Sometimes I get so fed-up of talking and thinking and dreaming about food.. It's so repetitive and the same story over and over again.. it's draining at times.. O well.. Enough for now about food. I'm switching off.