Unwanted Fleshiness

The curves are seriously starting to take a stand and make their presence known. They are appearing in all the wrong place. Is it possible to have a curving nose? Or a curvy arm? Well, when the word curvy means chubby or fleshy..then yes I think it is possible for every part of the body to become curvy.

It's happening whether I like it or not. I look in the mirror and my ribs are gone. They've vanished. My arms a getting fat. Which means my muscles are disappearing and so are my bones. Doing nothing all day means that every muscle in my body is becoming weak and they're been replaced with fat.. But I eat healthy now, so why is it all turning into fat?

I sit down on the sofa and the tops of my legs are 2 tree-trunks, I've got a roll of fat around my stomach when I sit down and chunk of flesh sitting on both of my hips. But then I stand up and I hit my hips and I box them, just to see if it's all flabby and spongy. But they're neither. I'm still hitting and boxing bone. So why is that when I sit down, I have chunk of meat that I can take hold of? Is it fat? Or is it just me being paranoid? Well, of course it is, everyone will tell me. But just because people say this to me, doesn't make it all better. It doesn't make me believe that I'm really not fat and that I need flesh. Because I'm fine the way I am. Right now, I want to the weight to stop being piled on. Enough is enough. I don't want anymore weight. My legs are too weak to carry the fat top half of my body, so can't it just stop now? I'm fine, I'm better.

I really would love to know my weight. I reckon I'm around 45kilos now. So I think that's pretty acceptable. I'm not tall so for my height I reckon it's fine. If I tell myself I'm 45kilos, and I calculate my BMI (body mass index), I won't be underweight. I'll be a healthy weight. So I'm better and my body should stop making all this food turn into fat. I wish I had a weighing scales.. But do I care if my weight goes up to 50? to be honest.. yes, I do. I wish I could say that I don't care and that my weight doesn't bother me anymore. But it does..

Knowing that I've got all these new reserves, should make me feel good and energized and it should make me want to stop eating, just for a short while? But it doesn't, because I'm still hungry and still wanting more food, so my body still isn't getting enough after already eating so much this morning, which means it needs me to keep on putting on the weight. It's so unfair really.

When I think back to July, I remember thinking that by November I would be cured.. somebody will have waved their magic wand, and I would be all better. Unfortunately this isn't the case. I thought I would have more energy and be fine with eating and with my weight. But I'm none of these things. It's so frustrating.
Right, enough of talking Anna into my head and into ruining my day. Not that I'm having such a great one anyhow, but that's besides the point.

I just hate me body, and I want to stop the weight..even if it's only for a week or two. Can I not just give my insides a break? They deserve a rest now and then..Right, I'm stopping myself from going of on a rant..enough is enough..