Saying "no"

What to do, what to do... Locked up in the bathroom, not being able to decide whether or not, I should or shouldn't so shopping with Ma. The pressure was immense and the tears wouldn't stop.
thinking, thinking..yes no yes no yes no..
I could have gotten my act together, wiped away the tears, put on a happy face and helped Ma out. Or I couldn't have let all the stress fall away and not push myself, go back to bed and hope the bad feelings of despair will leave.

Once I had said "no" I felt better. I told Ma I wasn't going, but then feeling better made me think that probably I would have been able to go with her. That made me feel awful again. I don't know who was in control, Anna or Fay.. All I know is that I felt immense guilt. I instantly felt better, maybe because I was doing what I wanted to do and what I was meant to do. It felt good, so it made me feel worse, but it would be better for me to break down now, instead of over the weekend. I must have needed that time-out..nobody standing too close to me, nobody wanting advice, nobody there for my mood to be reflected on, nobody to make me see just how awful I am, nobody to rub my nose in it..

I was watching Oprah yesterday afternoon, and she said that when you say "no" to others, you're often saying "yes" to yourself. So that's what I had to tell myself. I was back in bed, at 10 o'clock this morning. I had only been up since 8. After 3 hours of dozing, worrying, thinking, dreaming, crying I had to get up, just to eat.. So I'm just up now, 10 minutes, and it's Thursday morning, take two..

When I was in the bathroom this morning, all I could do was loath my big red head, with cheeks that have gone beyond the size of hamster cheeks..now they could probably be classed as 2 full-bodied hamsters, either side of my nose. My head is pear-shaped..well it was until last week, until I started to notice that even my forehead is fattening up. It's getting spongy. I never used to be able to push down into the fat, but now I can. So my head is slowly becoming apple-shaped. And after this mornings experiment with apple and pear juice, I hate both of them. They have probably now become my enemy.. Well pears anyhow. That isn't the only thing that's fattening up.. my armpits are another thing. They used to be proper hollow "cups". Now they've filled out and have become saucers. How awful is that.

I had to get up out of bed by 1 o'clock, because I was starving.. It had only been 4 hours since breakfast. That really isn't that long, and all I had done was lie in bed and feel disgusting.. I'm having a piece of toast now. It's nice. But it's wrecking my head. As I lay in bed, all I could do was wish so much to be have a day without eating. Just 1 day, that all I wanted, so so much. But I know I can't. Physically I would be able to, because I'm carrying around so much weight and reserves, that I won't fall down in a heap for not eating. But if I do, it will only tease me, and I'll want more emptiness. I'll want that feeling of nothingness even more. Telling myself I can't have something and that it's forbidden, makes me want it all and that makes the will to not eat, even stronger. I would go straight back into that "special" way of thinking. Diann told me on Monday, that once you've had an eating disorder, the pathways are carved so deep, that it only takes one little thing or one restriction to get you thinking in those "special" pathways again, which sets all the Anna related habits into action. The pathways will aways be there, it's just learning to live without getting distracted by that road or feeling tempted to go there.

I told myself, this morning, maybe I could just have this or that, and leave out this or that.. I was already feeling better for thinking like this, and I knew if I were to do it, that I would feel even better. But it's a pleasure that's short lived.. I probably won't eat everything I'm supposed to today, but if I tell myself I'm allowed everything, then I won't overeat trying to make up for the four hours I've gone without eating. Telling myself this, will make me see there are no barriers, so I'm not restricting and not giving in to Anna.

This might turn out to be the longest day in the history of time. I think it's all down to me having a bad nights sleep.. All I want to do now, is go back to bed and read or watch dvds.. As long as I'm not harming anybody by doing so, then I'm okay.. I'm allowed to do it and I'm safe.