Thick and sweet substance

I've started the day totally wrong. I wanted to try something new, but I've mucked it all up.

I usually have orange juice, squeezed, with yogurt and muesli. But I thought I'd try some pear and apple juice, squeezed...wrong wrong wrong. I had 3 sips, before starting to eat, and I was full. I didn't want to have my usual breakfast, because it was of the same substance as the juice..thick and filling. So what did I do instead? I had a normal bowl of muesli with milk.. again..wrong wrong wrong. This was too sweet. After having the apple and pear juice, which felt like it was instantly rotting my teeth, and giving my body too much sugar that my body wouldn't have a clue what to do with it, the sweetness was overbearing and I made it all the worse, by having 5 tablespoons of muesli...FAR TOO SWEET. So now, I've ruined the day, and it's only just after 9 in the morning. What am I gonna do now? I'm full, feel so bad and disgusting and I can't stomach and digest the thickness and sweetness..it's so wrong.

To top it all, last night, after dinner, I had my supplement drink at 09.30 in the evening, and I was still hungry. I didn't yet have a digestive biscuit, I was still meant to have it. I did, and then another... at 10 o'clock at night. I couldn't help myself. I just walked back to the biscuit tin, and had the last one. It's just as well the packet was empty or else I think I would have had more than the 2 I enjoyed so much.

I woke up this morning, after dreaming about my delicious breakfast that I usually have..in my dream I had already eaten it, and I woke and realized that I hadn't, which made me happy.. Then I thought about the 2 biscuits and instantly felt awful again. It's ruined my day and I've made it even worse by having the apple and pear juice.. Why did I do that? Because now I've missed the enjoyment of the vanilla yogurt with nuts, seeds, dried fruit and muesli. I have to wait another 24 hours now, before I get to enjoy it.. I crave it already, but if I give in, then I'm having too much dairy products and too much dairy means too much fat.. But it's all I want.. Why.. where has the craving come from?? It's so unfair, and I hate it so much. It will then have been 48 hours since I've had my delicious and "safe" breakfast. Having a normal bowl of muesli means I don't know the calories, sugar content. I don't know if the portion is too much or too little. I don't know if it's better for me or if it's the muesli that's making me fat...

Probably to make today even worse, I might to having lasagna for dinner. Diann wanted me to have some, because I mentioned it during the session on Monday. She picked up on the fact that I love it and won't let myself have it yet. So this week, she's told me to have some. Just the thought of the thick, greasy mince sauce, is putting fat on my hips.

The is all such a dilemma, and making it worse, now, is that I have to decide whether to go to the shops with Mam or not. I should, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if it's good or bad. I don't know why I'll be doing it. The smallest decision and I'm terrified. Maybe I should be still in bed, waiting for this bad feeling to end. But if I don't get out of the house today, I'll never forget about this bad start I'm having and visions of the sugar running through my veins will be too much to bare. But it won't stop me from wanting to stuff my face all day long.

So what's best? What am I to do? To make it all that little bit worse, the sky is blue and the sun is shining.. how awful. That means that I'd totally feel guilty and awful by staying inside, because blue skies mean there's a world outside this house. I don't want to be apart of it, and I don't care if it stops turning either.. But maybe I have to push myself, even if it does feel awful.. Where and when am I ever going to find the answers to these dilemma's.. can't it just stop??????